Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT BATTLES STATUE-13

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 3, 2020

Anthony Morelli never ran so quickly in his life. If someone had timed him, he surely would have broken the world record for how fast he sprinted back to the Great Wall of China. In fact, physics defies how hastily Morelli galloped.

Morelli hopped onto Emmitt’s goose and flew back to Foxborough, where Erin Andrews-Sanders was waiting for him.

“What happened?” she asked. “Where’s Eric!? Did something happen to him!?”

“EH YO, GRAY GUY COME, THEN BOSS GUY TELLED ME SOMETHING AND ONLY WORD I UNDERSTAND RUN SO I RUN, EH YO!” Morelli yelled.

“We have to go rescue th-” Andrews-Sanders said, with her voice trailing off when a boy walked into the press room.

“Hello, I’m Leroy Brown,” he said. “I’ve finally solved the Case of the Murdered Bodies Near the Statues.”

“Sorry, kid, but we know the statues have been killing people, so you’re a little late there,” Andrews-Sanders said, frustrated that there was a delay in saving her newfound love.

“No, ma’am, you misunderstand me,” the boy said. “You know already that if you kill a statue leader, all of his minions will crumble. But I know who the true statue leader is, and if you kill him, every single statue will fall. I’ll tell you who that is, but first please pay me. It’s 25 cents, plus expenses.”

Andrews-Sanders wasted no time paying the young boy, though it was a hefty sum. The expenses ended up being $716,000. It was worth it, however, as she learned how to finally vanquish Statue-13.

Hours later, Andrews-Sanders flew over the Great Wall of China and soon spotted Emmitt and his group trapped in the middle of a frozen lake. She was about to fly toward them when a large gray ball sailed right by her head. She looked down, and it was the Tom Brady statue, patting yet another stone football. He released it, and it had better aim this time, clipping the goose’s wing. The goose cried in agony, but continued to flutter its wings.

“Stop trying to kill my girlfriend!” Mangini cried.

It’s difficult to explain what happened next, because we’re still not sure how it occurred. Mangini began running across the water, but rather than falling into the icy lake, he was able to sprint on the water. Even the statues stopped, as they couldn’t believe their eyes.

Mangini reached the Tom Brady statue in no time. He swung twice, but the Tom Brady statue proved to be too elusive, as it just recently eclipsed the 1,000-yard rushing barrier. Mangini then knew exactly what to do. He brandished some hair product in his pocket – it was there to impress Andrews-Sanders – and sprayed Brady’s hair. The statue cried in agony, shouting something about how the Gisele statue would be displeased. Mangini took the opportunity to cut his blade into the statue of Tom Brady, and it shattered into pieces.

There was an immediate reaction. Several dozens of statues burst in response to the death of the Tom Brady statue. However, the Bill Belichick statue remained, and he commanded his countless minions to seize Mangini.

As this was happening, everyone boarded Emmitt’s goose. Andrews-Sanders wanted to wait for her love, but once all of the statues pounced on Mangini, Emmitt gave the order for his goose to take off.

“No!” Andrews-Sanders cried, but to no avail.

As the group flew away, Emmitt expressed his frustration.

“The Tim Brady statue guy die, and there so many statue still leftness,” Emmitt said. “If Tim Brady not leaderness, then who the leaderness we has to kill to destroy all statue?”

Andrews-Sanders looked at Emmitt with tears in her eyes.

“Eric might be dead, but I know exactly what to do,” she said. “We can end this right now.”