Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 8

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 29, 2015

Everyone has a certain moment in their lives where they realize that they’re not living in some sort of fantasy land. It could be when a child discovers that Santa Claus isn’t real. Maybe it’s when a kid walks in on their parents doing the nasty and then realizing that babies don’t come from storks. Or perhaps it takes much longer, and a college graduate can’t find a job and is facing the prospect of having no money and a ton of debt.

For Emmitt, this occurred yesterday when he and Broncos head coach Brad Childress engaged in a heated argument at a dual press conference.

Childress lashed out at Emmitt and expressed anger that Patriots quarterback Anthony Morelli wrote “8-0” on the side of a Denver building Tuesday night. What Childress didn’t realize at the time was that Morelli wasn’t predicting a New England victory and a subsequent improvement to 8-0; he was simply counting the number of beer pong games he won in a row.

“Eh yo, I win… uhh… one two three… uhh… eight games in a row of beer pong haha,” Morelli said. “Haha I win all night, eh yo, so many I lost count… haha, huh? Eh yo.”

Assuming Morelli was bragging about New England’s early-season dominance and berating Denver’s ineptness – the Broncos are currently 1-5 – Childress had some harsh words for Emmitt.

“Emmitt, my Broncos shall impale your Patriots, much like the Visigoth Empire slayed the Romans under the venerable Alaric the First,” Childress said. “Of course, I will be praying as I enjoy my elixir of choice on this eve that this won’t be like the Battle of Guadalete in which the Visigoths did not fathom the Berbers upon which the dominance of the Councils of Toledo and the episcopacy came to an unceremonious termination.”

Emmitt, unable to understand what Childress was talking about – and he was not alone – lashed back at his former offensive coordinator.

“Brett Childish, you have done many foolhardy thing in your careerment in the Conference of Footballs,” Emmitt said. “First, you say that Tardaris Jackson is the best quarterbacks in the conference. Then you make Brett Favre come back from unretirement twice in two season, and then you leave the Patriot to coach the Bronco, a team that cannot lose even if they wanted to. Your careerment have been debacled.”

As soon as Emmitt said that final sentence, Childress broke out in laughter for about five minutes.

“Oh Emmitt, your inexplicable lack of grammar, punctuation and overall acumen never ceases to baffle me,” a smug Childress said.

“I am confuse, very confuse,” a confused Emmitt replied. “You say I do not has a acumen. But there is a Acumen shoppin’ market around the corner from my house. You seem to have debacled your own argumentative.”

“Acumen; not Acme,” Childress snarled. “And stop saying ‘debacled.’ It’s not even a real word!”

Now, Emmitt was the one laughing.

“I has been sayin’ debacled all my lives, and even my daddy Emmitt Junior the Second have been sayin’ debacled his entire lives,” Emmitt said. “I will even proved it to you. I will go grab my son’s Emmitt Smith IV the Fifth’s dictionarysaurs and look up the word debacled.”

Unfortunately, Emmitt’s plan failed. He feverishly flipped through his son’s dictionary for about 20 minutes, but predictably had no luck finding the word ‘debacled.’

“I do not understand what have happening,” Emmitt said. “I see the word ‘debacle’ in the dictionarysaurs, but ‘debacled’ nowhere to be founded. The people who make the dictionarysaurs very lazy if all the neededed to do was add a number ‘D’ at the end of the debacle word.”

However, after searching through three other “dictionarysaurses,” Emmitt finally realized that “debacled” is not a real word after all.

“‘Debacled’ not real worded,” Emmitt continuously muttered to himself as he walked out of the press conference.

Two hours later, Emmitt called owner Bob Kraft and told him that he needed to skip the game in order to do some soul searching.

“Fine, whatever,” Kraft shouted. “I just don’t know why you had to interrupt my seventh dinner. Arby’s is closing soon!”

With Emmitt excused for Sunday’s game, the battery of offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell will have to coach New England to a victory.