The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 26, 2016
DeSean Jackson is in deep trouble after making controversial comments in the wake of Philadelphia's loss to San Francisco. In fact, he may have played his last down in the NFL.
In an era where everyone is sensitive about everything, it's never a good idea to offend anyone. Jackson discovered just that on Sunday.
We can't exactly blame Jackson though. He took a nasty, helmet-to-helmet hit in the third quarter from 49er corner Dunta Robinson. It appeared as though official Walt Coleman would call a personal-foul penalty on Robinson, but he announced the following to a chorus of boos:
"Personal foul... on... the offense... the guy did... he did somethin' wrong... that's a 25-yard penalty... fourth down!"
We asked Coleman about this questionable call after the game, but he didn't seem to remember it. In fact, he thought I was his grandson.
Jackson apparently didn't forgive Coleman's senility.
"F***ing hetero," Jackson said at his post-game press conference. "These f***ing hetero refs are out to get me, man. I f***ing hate heteros."
As you can imagine, this deeply upset the straight community. Al Bundy, head of the Heterosexual Human Alliance (HHA) offered a brief statement hours afterward.
"On behalf of the heterosexual community, I can tell you that we are deeply disappointed by Mr. Jackson's comments," Bundy said. "It sickens me that a role model such as Jackson can't understand that not everyone can be born gay; some women like men, and some men like big'uns and there's nothing we can do about it. We just want people to understand that it can be cool to be heterosexual. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a huge dump, and there's a toilet with my name on it."
Right off the heels of Bundy's comment, NFL overlord Roger Goodell announced that he would ban Jackson for life and fine the receiver $8.4 billion.
"He's done," Goodell said bluntly. "There's no room for this in the National Football League."
Goodell certainly didn't look like he was joking around. More red-faced than usual, Goodell explained his decision.
"Are we making an example of Jackson? Sure," Goodell admitted. "But we have to send a message that this sort of thing isn't talented. The NFL has always been a league that has embraced any nationality, culture and sexual orientation. We fully support the straight community."
Goodell also announced that every single NFL player will be forced to contribute 50 hours of his time to heterosexual activities, including planning the Straight Pride Parade in Texas and building more nudie bars throughout the country.
We just hope that Jackson has learned his lesson.
EMMITT TO SUPPORT DESEAN JACKSON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 28, 2016
The restoration of DeSean Jackson's image has begun. Three days following Jackson's heterophobic slur toward official Walt Coleman, the Heterosexual Human Alliance announced that it will be working with Jackson to promote straight awareness.
"In light of this slur, there is a real opportunity to build support for our community and educate fans of DeSean Jackson, the Philadelphia Eagles, and the NFL about the use of such words," said HHA president Al Bundy. "We will kick things off by taking a trip to the nudie bar. Afterwards, we'll have a No Ma'am meeting where we will drink beer, watch Psycho Dad and berate that chicken whore Marcy D'Arcy."
Jackson has a long way to go before all wounds heal from hetero-gate. Former Patriots head coach and current ESPN analyst Emmitt has offered to serve as Jackson's mentor in the wide receiver's darkest hour.
"I'm always misplacin' words or unpronouncin' terms like that whole debacled instances during the Super Bowl game," Emmitt said. "When I say that word debacled, I has... have... no idea that people in the debacled community become offensive by that slogan."
Amazingly, Emmitt still has no idea why he was ridiculed for using the past tense of a noun, but at least his heart is in the right place.
"DeSean Johnson is not just a good wide receiver, he a real good wide receiver," Emmitt said. "It is not his fault or his blame that he do not know the inflications of usin' a heteronym word. For examples, I do not even know the difference between a heteronym, homonym, synonym, antonym and debaclonym."
So, how will Emmitt help? His plan is two-fold.
"I hear on the TV that DeSean Johnson is in a lot of hot water," Emmitt said. "When somebody in the hot water too long, he have a lot of hotness on his body and his fingers become like raisins. So what Johnsons need is a dry towel and a blow-dryer to blow the raisin off his hand so it become normal again."
We don't think that's going to fix things. Perhaps Emmitt's second idea is better. You be the judge.
"What Johnsons need, and what I also has need for as well is a book that tell you the difference between heteronym, homonym, synonym, antonym and debaclonym," Emmitt admitted. "I look on America on the Line for this book. I even search a Web line called Amazon Rain Forest.com, but I do not find the name or title of this book anywhere. But I will try my darnedest to try to find this book, even if it cost me my last dyin' breath."
Good luck with all that, Emmitt. We won't be holding our breath.