Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 26, 2016

DeSean Jackson is in deep trouble after making controversial comments in the wake of Philadelphia’s loss to San Francisco. In fact, he may have played his last down in the NFL.

In an era where everyone is sensitive about everything, it’s never a good idea to offend anyone. Jackson discovered just that on Sunday.

We can’t exactly blame Jackson though. He took a nasty, helmet-to-helmet hit in the third quarter from 49er corner Dunta Robinson. It appeared as though official Walt Coleman would call a personal-foul penalty on Robinson, but he announced the following to a chorus of boos:

“Personal foul… on… the offense… the guy did… he did somethin’ wrong… that’s a 25-yard penalty… fourth down!”

We asked Coleman about this questionable call after the game, but he didn’t seem to remember it. In fact, he thought I was his grandson.

Jackson apparently didn’t forgive Coleman’s senility.

“F***ing hetero,” Jackson said at his post-game press conference. “These f***ing hetero refs are out to get me, man. I f***ing hate heteros.”

As you can imagine, this deeply upset the straight community. Al Bundy, head of the Heterosexual Human Alliance (HHA) offered a brief statement hours afterward.

“On behalf of the heterosexual community, I can tell you that we are deeply disappointed by Mr. Jackson’s comments,” Bundy said. “It sickens me that a role model such as Jackson can’t understand that not everyone can be born gay; some women like men, and some men like big’uns and there’s nothing we can do about it. We just want people to understand that it can be cool to be heterosexual. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a huge dump, and there’s a toilet with my name on it.”

Right off the heels of Bundy’s comment, NFL overlord Roger Goodell announced that he would ban Jackson for life and fine the receiver $8.4 billion.

“He’s done,” Goodell said bluntly. “There’s no room for this in the National Football League.”

Goodell certainly didn’t look like he was joking around. More red-faced than usual, Goodell explained his decision.

“Are we making an example of Jackson? Sure,” Goodell admitted. “But we have to send a message that this sort of thing isn’t talented. The NFL has always been a league that has embraced any nationality, culture and sexual orientation. We fully support the straight community.”

Goodell also announced that every single NFL player will be forced to contribute 50 hours of his time to heterosexual activities, including planning the Straight Pride Parade in Texas and building more nudie bars throughout the country.

We just hope that Jackson has learned his lesson.