Emmitt on the Brink – Season 12: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT’S PLAN BACKFIRES

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, Jan. 3, 2021

Emmitt’s forces, led by Executive Vice President of Football Operations Troy Vincent, stood at the gates of Sporleisport. The plan was to take control of the city to prevent NFL Antarctica Expansion Trainer Thornin Yourside from striking first.

“It clear that AllStar Thorn guy try to distraction me so he can take over my yardback,” Emmitt told Darren Sproles in their meeting the day before. Emmitt, paranoid that his backyard – or rather, “yardback” – would be commandeered, made sure Vincent traveled to Sprolesiport hastily. It’s unclear what Sproleisport has to do with Emmitt’s backyard, or why Emmitt thought Thornin Yourside would try to conquer his backyard in the first place, but this was the strategy recommended to Emmitt by his newest advisor, Darren Sproles.

Vincent didn’t want any bloodshed. However, this proved to be difficult because Sproles’ sister, Seriously Sproles, wouldn’t lower the gates.

“I’ll never come out, no matter what!” Seriously Sproles shouted from one of the towers. “You might as well either leave or start swinging your swords, because we will not surrender!”

Vincent was prepared for this. He knew exactly what to say to make Seriously Sproles change her mind.

“I have a baby girl here, resting on this trebuchet,” Vincent said. “If you don’t lower your gates in five minutes, I will do something unspeakable. I will give the baby girl to Joe Biden.”

“No, not Joe Biden!” Seriously Sproles shrieked. “Please don’t let him smell her hair, or put his hands inside her mouth, or cup her unformed breast!”

“You have four minutes and 30 seconds,” Vincent warned.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” Seriously Sproles said. “But I doubt you’ll be able to sleep at night, knowing what you just almost did.”

Vincent would sleep just fine. He had no intentions of letting Biden molest the baby. It was merely a threat.

The gates opened seconds later, and Vincent’s forces moved inside Sproleisport. Emmitt had done it. He had conquered one of the richest cities in the seven continents.

Meanwhile, back at the NFL headquarters…

“Sir, a Baltimore Raven has just arrived,” said Melissa Stark, Emmitt’s secretary and translator. “It was Mark Andrews. He dropped off this letter. It contains good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Are there no medium news?” Emmitt asked.

“No, just good and bad,” Stark replied.

“Oh man, no medium news sound like bad news to me, so I need to be cheer up, so gived me the good news first,” Emmitt said.

“The good news is that Troy Vincent has conquered Sproleisport,” Stark said. “The city is yours, sir.”

“That great news indeed, so what are the bad news?” Emmitt asked.

“With Troy Vincent’s forces gone, your backyard has been conquered by Thornin Yourside,” Stark said.

“No, not my yardback!” Emmitt gasped, turning to Darren Sproles, who looked ashamed. “You say my yardback gonna be safe!”

“I’m sorry, sir, Thornin Yourside must have outsmarted me,” Sproles said. “But let me have a second chance even though I haven’t proven my worth to you at all. I am the cleverest man in the seven continents, and I will be of great use to you.”

“Yes, you very smart, even though I do not have any prove of this,” Emmitt replied. “You can keep giving me advicement.”