Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

ANALYST REFUSES TO ACCEPT CLEVELAND LOSS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 24, 2017

We don’t know why the NFL decided to pit the Browns and the Lions together in a nationally televised game on Thanksgiving. The game was completely uneventful, save for one occasion in which Brandon Weeden had to get some assistance from his teammates.

“I shoiled my underwearsh shonny,” Weeden told an inquisitive media member afterward, explaining why the entire team huddled around him before bringing him a new pair of underpants.

Weeden, who had to use a walker to get around the field in between plays, completed just one pass in 27 attempts. He fumbled eight times and threw 10 interceptions, five of which were returned for touchdowns.

“I’m sho glad my team won, shonny,” Weeden told another journalist. “Wait, where am I again, shonny? And where am I? I forget what year it ish.”

It should have been obvious that the Browns would lose. After all, the Lions entered the game as an 84-point favorite. They narrowly covered, winning 87-2. Still, this game was never in doubt. Not for one single second. Well, that was the case for everyone except for CBS’ newest NFL analyst.

“I’m not sure we can say, with absolutely certainty, that the Lions have won this game,” declared the new CBS analyst.

It must be said that this new analyst may not be completely familiar with football, given that he covered political news for another media conglomerate for years. This analyst, of course, is for FOX News employee Karl Rove.

“When I look at the numbers – and believe me, I’ve done the extensive math on this – there is no proof that states the Browns have lost this game,” Rove said while shifting through pieces of paper. “There are still lots of factors that haven’t been accounted for.”

There are lots of factors unaccounted for? What could possibly be unaccounted for in an 87-2 victory?

“The sack numbers haven’t come in yet,” Rove stammered. “There are no sack numbers yet, and the sack numbers are projected to be heavily in favor of the Browns… and, and don’t forget about the drops either. We don’t have those figures calculated yet, and the Lions were projected to drop more passes than Cleveland in this contest. I’m refreshing this NFL.com page every few seconds, so it can’t be confirmed that the Browns lost.”

Rove, who had sweat dripping down his brow, was escorted to the back room of the stadium, where he spoke with official Mike Carey.

“Karl, I understand your frustration, but the Browns lost, and there’s just no doubt about it,” Carey said. “Believe me, Karl. We crunched the numbers, and there are too many things going against the Browns.”

“No, that can’t be possible, or wait, at least I think you should admit that you called the game prematurely,” Rove replied.

Carey laughed and shook his head. “Karl, I can tell you that with 99.9995-percent certainty, the Browns lost this game.”

Rove beamed. “Ah-ha! So you admit that there’s still a chance!”

Hours later, it was revealed that Rove placed $400,000 on the Browns’ moneyline. Why he would do this when it was a foregone conclusion the Lions would win is beyond us, but we have to believe that like after his previous nonsensical tirade in the 2012 Presidential Election, Rove will be looking for employment elsewhere quite soon.