Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 14

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

KIM JONG-UN MAKES ULTIMATE THREAT AGAINST AMERICA

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, July 22, 2019

Emmitt and his companions wasted no time dragging Jared Fogle back to their home base at the cafe. Fogle, who was once arrogant about being able to do horrible things to 5-year-old girls, appeared to be completely defeated now that his penis and scrotum were sliced off. He sat silently with his head down the entire time during the trip.

Eric Mangini stared at Fogle’s penis, which was sealed tightly in plastic wrap.

“Look at how big it is!” Mangini exclaimed. “Mine is big, but not that big!”

“Big? Ha!” Dianna Marie Russini burst out laughing. “That’s not big at all! It’s three inches! Granted, it’s larger than Kim Jong-un’s penis, but three inches is pretty tiny, so it’s sad that your member is smaller than that.”

Mangini blushed and folded his arms.

“My girlfriend is Erin Andrews and she doesn’t think my penis is small, I swear!” he snorted, prompting everyone to laugh.

It was around noon by the time they made it back to their hideout. The cafe owner met them outside.

“You guys have to check this out!” he shouted, summoning them to the bar. The TV was on, and Kim Jong-un was delivering another press conference.

“I have to make announcement during noon o’crock news!” Kim Jong-un began. “As you arr now, dirty American trying to overthrow Kim Jong-un because I threaten to brow up America after NFR make my favorite prayer Tom Brady out to be criminar in Defrate Gate! This make Kim Jong-un angry! Now they arrest Jared Fogre, my second-in-command, onry because he want to have sex with girr who five year ord, which regar in North Korea. Very regar!

“Kim Jong-un very angry and need make retariation!” he continued. “So, I make new raw go into effect! Untir the scoundrers who kidnap Jared Fogre become arrest, no person in repubric of

North Korea can have a sex except me! Arso, I pran to hasten my pran to bomb United States American. In fact, I am standing here in the rear North Korea Nucrear Facirity, and I gonna brow up United States American by sundown. Rong rive repubric of North Korea!”

No one knew how to respond right away; instead, everyone looked around at each other without saying a word.

“What are we going to do?” Russini asked, finally breaking the silence. “We have about eight hours until Kim Jong-un blows up America. We have to find those nukes.”

“Should we torture Jared Fogle so that he tells us where the real North Korean Nuclear Facility is?” Barry Sanders asked.

“I’m not saying anything!” Fogle snapped. “You cut off my penis, and now I can’t have sex with little girls. No torture is going to be worse than that.”

“Ugh, this is why I wanted him unharmed,” Sanders said, looking at Russini, who appeared to be disappointed in herself.

“H UGhrgw oirw goerg lghi etnlhv trnhkv my trnh,gk,svd otdnglv lntoec vrpiv ntr hvtpr hnfglnv,” Shannon Sharpe chimed in.

“There’s no need for that Shannon, nor is torturing Jared necessary,” Ray Rice said. “Just by watching Kim Jong-un’s press conference, I’ve figured out where the real North Korea Nuclear Facility is.”