Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 6

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

EMMITT HAS SCHEDULED MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, July 18, 2019

Emmitt received an e-mail during the second half of his flight to North Korea on Monday. It was from Roger Goodell:

Emmitt, it’s Roger. I called Kim Jong-un and told him I wanted to negotiate a peace treaty with him. He told me he was intrigued, so I informed him that I would be sending a negotiator along. The meeting will be scheduled on Wednesday afternoon, so make sure you prepare. Do anything in your power to convince Kim not to blow up America. Keep in mind that I don’t expect him to back off his threats, so proceed with your plan to eliminate him if the meeting doesn’t go well.

P.S. Whatever you do, do not make fun of Kim’s action figurines; he is rather sensitive about them.

P.P.S. I sent you a picture of myself. Do you think I look handsome today?

Emmitt showed Ray Rice the e-mail.

“That is one handsome devil,” Rice said to himself.

Emmitt, however, had questions for Rice.

“What do Roger Goldman mean by a negotiator? Who do you think that is going to be?” Emmitt asked.

Rice slapped his forehead.

“That’s you, Emmitt,” Rice said, sighing. “You’re the negotiator. Don’t worry though, I’ll come along and help you as best I can.”

“Ah, that make senses, all five senses,” Emmitt replied. “I have one more question, what do the alphabet mean at the end? The P.P.S. alphabets. Do it mean Roger Goldman have to go to the bathroom to release himselves?”

Rice didn’t bother answering. Before the two men knew it, the plane landed in Pyongyang Sunan International Airport. They took a taxi to the hotel and spent all day Tuesday reviewing their plan.

“Remember, Emmitt,” Rice said. “We need to paint Tom Brady as evilly as possible. If Kim Jong-un stops worshipping Tom Brady, perhaps he’ll cease his threats against America.”

The following day, Emmitt and Rice made their way to Kim Jong-un’s headquarters. The receptionist, an old woman, told them to wait until Kim Jong-un’s current meeting came to an end.

“Don’t worry, Kimberly will be done soon,” she said. “I told him if his meetings run late, I won’t let him eat dinner while watching TV.” Emmitt and Rice exchanged looks.

“Kimberly!?” they both exclaimed at once.

“Yes, that’s his actual given name, which I can only call him, since I’m his wet nurse,” she explained. “Ever since Kimberly’s mother passed away, I’ve taken care of him. I make his dinner, clean up his messes and even make sure that he brushes his teeth before going to bed.”

Before either Emmitt or Rice had a chance to respond, the door to Kim Jong-un’s office opened. Out stepped a man whom Rice recognized immediately. It was Jared Fogle, the former spokesman of Subway.

“Jared, what are you doing here!?” Rice asked, taking the words right out of Emmitt’s mouth.

“What do you mean?” Jared replied.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in prison for child rape?” Rice snapped, staring angrily at the pervert.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in prison for beating your wife?” Jared snorted. “But nah, to answer your question, everyone from my prison escaped during the Walking Bucs breakout, so I defected to North Korea. Not that I want to go back to America; the age of consent in North Korea is 5, so this is the perfect place for me.”

Before Emmitt and Rice could question Jared any further, the former Subway employee stormed off.

“Kimberly will see you now,” his wet nurse/secretary said.