Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 5

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

RAY RICE REVEALS SUCCESS STORY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, July 14, 2019

Emmitt was shocked. He stuttered and stammered for what seemed like quite a while, unable to gather his words upon hearing that Ray Rice was capable of flying him to North Korea this entire time.

“I cannot believe my nose… I mean my ear!” Emmitt exclaimed, finally collecting his thoughts. “You has a plane this whole time? Why did I have to pick you up from the air-o-port then? Why did you just not fly to the Hotel Davidson?”

“My private jet landed at the airport, Emmitt,” Rice explained. “And I couldn’t exactly park it here. There’s no runway. Where would I land the plane?”

“That is great question,” Emmitt said, scratching his head. “I just has one question of my own. How in the whirl did you get a private jets? And am I to understand that this private jets cannot turn into a car and drive somewhere, which is why you had to park your plane at the air-o-port?”

“That’s two questions, Emmitt, and to answer the latter, it cannot turn into a car, unfortunately,” Rice replied, raising one eyebrow at his friend.

“Ladder?” Emmitt asked, now looking quizzically at Rice. “What do a ladder have to do with a plane? Do you have a ladder on the plane?”

“No, a latter with two T’s; not two D’s.”

“The word ‘ladder’ do not have the letter ‘T’ trust me,” Emmitt said, confidently. “Trust me, in the University of Florida, I take a test in English class on spelling, and one of the hardest word we have to learn was ‘ladder.’ I study on how to spell ladder for two week, and I know for factual that ‘ladder’ is spelt L-A-D-D-R-E. The final ‘E’ is silence.”

Rice quietly mouthed the word “wow” and shook his head.

“OK, you’re right, Emmitt, I’m wrong,” Rice said, wishing to move on from this impasse. “As for how I got this private jet, well, I basically saved up my money. I’ve been able to collect a lot of it over the years, and it all started with that incident in the hotel elevator where I punched my current wife.”

“Ah, your wife give you money so you do not punch her again?” Emmitt asked.

“No, quite the contrary,” Rice said. “Other people have given us money. The first year after the video was released was a complete nightmare, but my PR staff did a great job. They told me to look all apologetic, and soon enough, I was appearing on SportsCenter and such and talking about how horrible of a mistake it was. Everyone ate it up, and soon enough I was given book deals. I wrote such BS in those books, Emmitt, it’s unreal. Eventually, Hollywood wanted to make a movie about it, and I received money from going on all of these talk shows and selling my story to others. It made me rich beyond belief, Emmitt. I’d lose all my positive fame and good will if anyone heard me say this, but punching my current wife in the elevator that fateful night is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Emmitt was still scratching his head.

“I am confuse, very confuse,” Emmitt said. “You said you have a PR staff. Are they the guys who give you the ladder?”

“What ladder?” Rice asked, annoyed that this was what Emmitt took away from the story.

“The ladder you talk about earlier,” Emmitt replied.

“Ugh,” Rice said, wanting to conclude this frustrating conversation. “Let’s just go to my jet.”

“OK, great,” Emmitt obliged. “I cannot wait to see the ladders!”