Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 7

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT REQUESTS THE RICE OF PASSAGE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Unknown, Month?, XYZV

Thanks to Hugh Freeze’s assistance, Emmitt and his companions, the striped leopard and the single ranger, were able to locate Eli Manning’s brothel without much difficulty. During the walk to their destination, Emmitt asked about Manning’s precious item.

“So, why do we need this rice of patches?” Emmitt asked.

“That’s rice of passage, Emmitt,” the striped leopard said, correcting his friend. “And neither of us is quite sure, but according to lore, you’ll need it to leave the evil universe in order to confront your dark self.”

Emmitt shuddered at fighting his evil twin again; he was debacled quite well during their first fight. Emmitt tried everything, but the dark version of himself knew what he was going to do every time. It was like fighting his mirror image, only it had a split-second advantage.

“Thanks for telling me about these, but how is we going to lure the ripe of passage away from Alan Manning?” Emmitt asked.

“That’s lore with an, you know, never mind, we’re here,” the striped leopard relented.

The three approached the building and were met with a steel door with a combination on it. The single ranger quickly recalled the code Freeze told him to enter: 2-6-5-6.

“Who are you looking for?” a voice asked from behind the door.

“Eve,” the single ranger replied. A strange name, considering that every available “item” in the brothel was a former football player, but the doors opened regardless.

Emmitt and his friends were led through a candlelit hall and into a room with stuffed animals hanging on the walls. In the center of it, there was a poker table, where Eli Manning, his brother Peyton, and several other players Emmitt didn’t recognize were seated. A familiar-looking dog was sitting next to Eli, expecting scraps of food.

“Hello, I am Eli Manning and I run this brothel I have lots of football players available for sex including my brother Peyton who is seated here though I’m not sure why you’d want Peyton, he’s a bit of an a**hole, not the type of a**hole you’d want to bang, but the a**hole you don’t want to hang out with or even have sex with, I’m the favorite brother of the Manning family and I run the show, and no one can stop me,” evil Eli said in one breath, somehow.

Emmitt looked over at Peyton, the “evil” facsimile of himself, who looked much more downtrodden than the real version. Emmitt expected Peyton to advertise some product with confidence. Instead…

“Hi, I’m Peyton Manning,” evil Peyton said. “This introduction was brought to you by AIDS. AIDS, the auto-immune disease.”

“Yes, yes, Peyton, keep advertising diseases like I ordered you to, for I am the superior Manning, and you shall worship me for all my glory, so anyway, Emmitt, what can I do for you and your friends, it better be important because you’re interrupting my poker game, I’m the best poker player in Mistissippi, maybe even the whole world, I won so much money playing poker which is how I can run this brothel and order my idiot brother to advertise diseases,” evil Eli laughed.

“Alan Manning, we looking for something you may have has, which called the ripe… or… uhh… right… or… uhh… ripe… or… uhh… rain… or… uhh…” Emmitt stammered.

“He means the rice of passage,” the striped leopard said, impatiently.

“This correction is brought to you by SARS,” evil Peyton said. “SARS, the infectious disease that can lead to pneumonia and respiratory failure.”

“Shut up Peyton, you don’t have to do that every time, you’re so f***ing annoying you know that, you’re so lucky you won the Super Bowl, I’m better than you in so many ways and I have all the passing records, and daddy likes me and not you, and mommy likes me and not you, and Cooper, our great football player brother though not as great as me hates you too so I’m going to leave this brothel for now and accompany Emmitt and his friends because I want to get away from you, Peyton, you giant p***y, and I will bring both my rice of passage and my deck of cards so you can’t play poker without me, you idiot,” evil Eli said without pausing.

“So, wait, I confuse,” Emmitt said. “If scars a disease, I then real sick from my fight with my evil selves.”