2013: Emmitt on the Brink – Week 12

2013: Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2013 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!

MANGINI’S BIRTHDAY RUINED

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Sunday, Nov. 24, 2013

On a normal Saturday evening before a big game, coaches usually put the finishing touches on their game plan and go to bed early. Yesterday was not a typical Saturday.

Eric Mangini celebrated his birthday at Super Fun Time last night. Normally, the Patriots aren’t invited, but Mangini made an exception because Bill Belichick is no longer with the team, despite the fact that the two squads will be playing against each other the next day.

“I used to be BFF’s with Billy but not anymore,” Mangini said before the festivities began. Mangini asked the Super Fun Time staff to make sure Belichick didn’t sneak in.

“Why would I want to go to his crappy parties?” Belichick asked via conference call. “He’s a loser and his parties suck. I hang out with much cooler people now.”

Though Belichick’s absence made things look promising, Mangini quickly became frustrated with the seating arrangements. Hoping to sit next to Randy Moss and Jerricho Cotchery, Mangini was sandwiched between Romeo Crennel and Shannon Sharpe. Crennel devoured two large pizzas on his own, leaving Mangini with nothing. Meanwhile, Sharpe frustrated Mangini by continuously trying to make conversation with him.

“Ugh, why’d you have to stick me with the stuttering kid?” Mangini angrily asked Cotchery after all the pizza was gone. “I wanted you and Randy to sit next to me. I couldn’t understand what he was saying! The only reason he was even invited is because my mom made me do it!”

Before the guys hit the arcades, Mangini made an announcement.

“Hey, guys! Whoever gets the most tickets and shares them with me will be my new BFF!”

While desperate guys like Sharpe and Crennel ran off to collect tickets, most of Mangini’s other guests shrugged their shoulders.

After about two hours, Mangini went around and counted everyone’s tickets. Crennel had none because he got sidetracked and ate more pizza. Sharpe, meanwhile, never figured out how to put the tokens in the machine.

Emmitt actually won Mangini’s “challenge,” accumulating 385 tickets playing nothing but skee ball. However, after Emmitt refused to relinquished his share, Mangini began crying and accused Emmitt of cheating.

“I would never cheated at uhh… Scrabble balls,” Emmitt said. “I just roll the balls and the balls go in the hole. Eric Martini do not have video tape surv… surv… uhh… survivalance that I drop the ball in the hole with my hand.”

Unfortunately, the festivities concluded early. Adam “Donkey Kong” Jones, purposely uninvited, crashed the party. Jones, who changed his nickname from “Pacman” to “Donkey Kong” to enhance his image, tossed hundreds of tokens up in the air and shouted, “I’m makin’ it rain!”

Mangini, who was hit in the eye by one of the tokens, began crying again and told everyone to leave. As the guests departed, Sharpe approached Mangini and told him that he had to sleep over because his parents were away on a business trip.

As if Mangini’s night couldn’t get any worse…

PATRIOTS SWEEP RIVAL; FAVRE’S INDECISION PARAMOUNT IN JETS LOSS

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Nov. 25, 2013

Brett Favre has always been notorious for wavering on retirement. But even his wife admitted that he took things too far on Sunday.

Favre, who announced his “final” retirement after the 2012 season, talked about coming back to the NFL to Peter King throughout the months of September and October, even though new Jets quarterback Brett Ratliff has been having an MVP-caliber year.

“Yeah, Brett Favre has been hounding me about coming back,” King said in an earlier press conference. “And by ‘hounding,’ I mean that Brett sent me texts at 4 in the morning. He would constantly send me instant messages when I was trying to do work. Even if I had my away message up, he would keep IMing me. One time, he sent me 150 IMs before I blocked him. But then he just messaged me from another screen name.”

Favre finally announced his return to the NFL an hour prior to the game. Eric Mangini, preoccupied with Shannon Sharpe’s presence on the sidelines, put Favre into the game without even thinking about it. Per Mangini, Sharpe was supposed to go home after last night’s sleepover, but his parents never picked him up. Mangini was consequently stuck hanging out with Sharpe the entire afternoon.

A rusty Favre carelessly launched a punt-like downfield throw to Jerricho Cotchery. Unfortunately, it was picked off by Tyrone Poole and returned for a touchdown.

After that play, Favre announced his retirement and walked off toward the locker room. Two series later, Favre returned to the field, where he announced that he was un-retiring. Favre subsequently launched another pick-six and walked off the field again. This happened four more times.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” vented a frustrated Ratliff after New York’s 42-28 loss. “Whenever I was in the game, we scored touchdowns. Whenever he was in the game, he gave up touchdowns. He hasn’t even practiced, and Coach was letting him play! This game was basically for the division. Now, we’re really two out because the Patriots swept us. And it’s a shame too because they didn’t even do anything today. When I was warming up, Anthony Morelli approached me and asked if I wanted to kill a case of beer with him before kickoff. After I said no, he later came back and told me he drank all 30 cans by himself!”

Morelli denied being drunk.

“Uhh… haha… uhh… I drink 30 beer but I am no drunk!” Morelli yelled. “Eh, yo… it take me 150 beer to get… hic… drink!”

So, why did Favre play over Ratliff? Mangini couldn’t answer that question after the game.

“Ow! My head hurts! Stop yelling!” exclaimed Mangini, who later told reporters he was hung over from drinking too much soda at his birthday party the night before.

“My head was fuzzy. I couldn’t think straight,” Mangini admitted later that night. “But I’ll review the game film later. Now, I have to go to sleep because it’s my bed time, and my mom is making me hang out with Shannon tomorrow. My life sucks!”

When your birthday is ruined, you lose a big game because you’ve had too much soda the night before, and your parents make you hang out with a stuttering guy with a lisp, you probably have the right to say that.