Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT RECEIVES GRAVE NEWS

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith wasn’t quite sure how he would explain the deadly virus to his father. This virus claimed more than 100,000 lives in the United States alone, slaughtering the elderly with ease. It also created an economic collapse, one that the country hadn’t seen since the Great Depression. If only life were so simple like it was in the northern wilderness of Canada.

While Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith took his time to decide on how to begin discussing the deadly virus, his father grew impatient.

“My fruit loom, I appreciateness you coming all the way up here to the north village to speak to myselves, it not necessarily to do so if only one guy got sickness from a flu bug,” Emmitt said.

“Father, it’s way worse than the flu,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith said. “You can’t believe the carnage it has caused. More than 100,000 people have died!”

Emmitt was taken aback.

“Wow that a lot of number,” Emmitt muttered. “I not sure how many thousand of people are in 100,000, but it sure sound like a lot of million of people.”

“It’s exactly 100 thousand,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith said, calmly.

“So accordingfulness to my calculatron, which I carry on my people at all time, the calculatron say that 100,000 are equal to 719 thousand people.”

“That’s not correct, father, but it might as well be that high, based on the economic devastation it has caused,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith said. “Tens of millions of people have lost their jobs, and those with cancer and heart problems aren’t being screened. No sports are being played, except for League of Legends, which is just 12-year-old Chinese boys playing video games. It’s horrible.”

Emmitt sunk into deep thought. He was conflicted. On one hand, he was sorrowful to hear that his once-beloved country fell apart. On the other, he was spiteful enough to feel content that everything had gone into ruin without him. Perhaps if the government didn’t spend so much energy attempting to remove him as commissioner of the NFL, he could have done enough to prevent the virus from causing so much devastation.

After some quick deliberation, Emmitt decided that taking the high road was best, if only to set an example for his son.

“I sorryness to hear all this,” Emmitt said. “I hope somebody brave enough to beat up the virus and punch him into the ocean. And that, my son, are call taking the high road, which also mean the road that happen to be higher than the low road.”

“I appreciate that, father, but a virus is not something someone can beat up,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith explained. “A vaccine needs to be created. Until then, everyone must stay inside unless they need essentials, but even then, a mask must be worn.”

“Good thing the flu bug not here in the north village because I leave all my face mask at home!” Emmitt exclaimed.

“Not that sort of mask…” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith muttered.

“So, my loom fruit, why has you comed all this way to tell me about this flu bug that have debacled the United State of American?”

“Because, father, you’re one of two people who can stop it,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith replied. “You and Emmitt Snow Jr. will have to fight a giant bear.”