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Emmitt on the Brink. The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement. This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days. Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology. |
 Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement! |
BROCK OSWEILER HOSTS ESPYS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 10, 2020
The ESPYs are finally here. ESPN’s famous awards show was delayed for a couple of months because of some comments Sage Steele made.
“She really hurt my feelings,” Sportscenter host Neil Everett sobbed. “I was stuck in bed for three weeks as a result.”
Everett, of course, is referring to Steele saying that she thought white and black athletes should be covered equally by the media. This enraged some and endangered others. NBC’s Bob Costas, for example, had to spend two months in the Intensive Care Unit because his feelings were hurt too much.
We visited ESPN president John Skipper on his deathbed so that we could share his thoughts on the matter.
“How… how… could… an… African… American… woman… say… something… like… like… that…?” Skipper said, gasping for air before falling asleep forever.
Good night, sweet prince.
Alas, enough ESPN employees recovered from their hurt feelings to stage the ESPYs one day prior to the start of the NFL regular season. They had issues finding someone to host it because of their delay, so they ultimately had to settle with Brock Osweiler.
“Brock is very deserving of this distinction,” said his former teammate Peyton Manning, who was too busy filming commercials to be the host again. “Brock’s doing to do a great job. This positive reinforcement is brought to you by Buick. The new symbol for quality in America.”
Osweiler began the award show by issuing ESPN’s infamous Arthur Ashe Courage Award, which was previously given out to Caitlyn Jenner. This time, Osweiler handed the trophy to former baseball pitcher Bartolo Colon, who came out of the closet as the first spawn of Jabba the Hut to ever play professional sports.
ESPN was once again celebrated for its great diversity, as people quickly forgot Steele’s harmful comments.
“This is a great day for diversity,” said ESPN vice president Sergio Dipp. “Bartolo is having the time of his life!”
Unfortunately, the ESPYs took a turn for the worse, as Osweiler seemingly ignored all of the nominations.
“And the nominations for the best male athlete go to Brock Osweiler, for being such a great quarterback; Brock Osweiler because the proof is in the film about how good he is; Brock Osweiler for being strikingly handsome; and Brock Osweiler for his many great accomplishments throughout his prolific career,” Osweiler announced.
“And the winner for best male athlete goes to – oh my gosh – Brock Osweiler!” Osweiler exclaimed. “Well done, Brock Osweiler, you were extremely deserving of this!”
“Now, on to best female athlete,” Osweiler said. “The nominees are Brock Osweiler, because he is identifying himself as a woman for this award; Brock Osweiler, because it’s unfair that only women get to win best female athlete; Brock Osweiler for being strikingly handsome; and Brock Osweiler because no one else deserves this award.
“And the winner for best female athlete goes to – oh my gosh, guys, you shouldn’t have – Brock Osweiler!”
This was the only time ESPN employees applauded throughout the evening, as they considered it virtuous to award a male with the best female athlete award. However, their opinions changed once Osweiler gave himself the next nine awards.
“I’ve never seen such a ridiculous spectacle,” said former ESPN employee Keith Olbermann. “And believe me, as someone who is legitimately better than everyone, I can tell you when someone deserves to give himself lots of awards. And Brock Osweiler is not it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go admire the smell of my armpits.”
As for Manning, he was surprised that his prediction wasn’t true.
“I thought Brock would do a great job, but I was wrong,” Manning said. “This admission of mistakenness is brought to you by Chevy. Chevy runs deep.” Osweiler predictably disagreed with his critics.
“They’re just jealous that I did so well,” Osweiler said afterward. “The proof is in the tape. Watch the ESPYs again, and you’ll see that I had the best performance of any host ever.”
Osweiler went on to build a statue for himself, but it was quickly destroyed because some college students said it offended them and hurt their feelings.
EVIL EMMITT TEAMS UP WITH SUCCESSOR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 11, 2020
The 2020 NFL season is underway, and yet, no one cares about it. With all 32 teams now in Los Angeles, all of the teams’ fan bases have abandoned the squads they once rooted for. Even someone like Michael Wilbon, a life-long Bears fan who has a mansion in Los Angeles, can’t get over the change.
“Mark my words, I will never root for the Los Angeles Bears,” Wilbon said vehemently. “And why doesn’t Colin Kaepernick have a job yet? Why can’t anyone give Kaep a job!? Sure, he’s washed up, but he deserves to be in the NFL over that monster Jay Cutler!”
Evil Emmitt, trying desperately to keep the Patriots out of Los Angeles so that Robert Kraft could help him talk to the grapevine, visited one of his many successors Thursday afternoon.
Evil Emmitt took a trip to a Women’s Unclothing Store, owned by Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. The store specializes in selling gadgets and gizmos to help men unclothe women, especially in public.
“Hello there,” Elliott said joyfully, without recognizing who it was. “Today we have a special. Buy a shiny object to distract a woman so you can take her top off, and get a tank top where the straps come off with a press of a button for free!”
“I am not here for your good and item,” Evil Emmitt said. “Adzekiel Elliott, I hear for your help. And help mean I need your assistments.”
Elliott’s jaw dropped, as he finally realized whom he was speaking to.
“Oh gosh, Emmitt Smith!” Elliott squealed. “Please, please, help yourself to something free! You deserve it!”
“How much do the free thing cost?” Evil Emmitt asked.
“Nothing, it’s free,” Elliott replied.
“I know it are free, but I am trying to understand how much it gonna cost me,” Emmitt answered.
Elliott stared blankly at Evil Emmitt, realizing that he needed to stoop to his predecessor’s level to get the message through.
“It is free dollars and free cents,” Elliott responded, confidently.
“Ah, I do not have free dollar, nor free cent,” Emmitt said.
“That’s too bad, Emmitt,” Elliott replied, feigning disappointment. “So, what can I do for you?”
“I need to prevent the New Zealand Patriot from moving to the city of Las Vegasles,” Evil Emmitt revealed. “I need your assistment.”
“So, let me guess, you need me to punch some women,” Elliott guessed. “Look, Emmitt, I have a business to run, and there are better people you can find in that regard. Why not ask Floyd Mayweather? He fights defensively unless he’s battling a woman, and then he’s not afraid to throw wild punches.”
“No, it have nothing to do with a women,” Evil Emmitt said. “It have to do with DJ, the guy who make music. I belief DJ stand for dinosaur jig.”
“DJs!?” Elliott growled, his fists clenching. “I will destroy all DJs!”
“Good,” Emmitt smiled. “I had a feeling you were going to joint me.”
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBER�S POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
Season 8, Week 1 - OUTRAGE OVER DEFLATEGATE - Sept. 15
Season 8, Week 2 - EMMITT STOPS SEEMINGLY HORRIBLE CRIME - Sept. 22
Season 8, Week 3 - CHIP KELLY ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST AGAIN - Sept. 29
Season 8, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES JAY CUTLER WITH SOME HELP - Oct. 7
Season 8, Week 5 - MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST TOM BRADY - Oct. 14
Season 8, Week 6 - INSIDE EMMITT'S MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN - Oct. 21
Season 8, Week 7 - DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI�S PLAN TO STEAL NORTH KOREA�S NUCLEAR KEY - Oct. 28
Season 8, Week 8 - ENTERING THE NORTH KOREA NUCLEAR FACILITY - Nov. 4
Season 8, Week 9 - ESCAPING FROM JARED FOGLE'S DUNGEON - Nov. 11
Season 8, Week 10 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT - Nov. 18
Season 8, Week 11 - EMMITT AND HIS CREW MEET WITH MICHAEL SAM - Nov. 25
Season 8, Week 12 - OLD NEMESIS ABDUCTS EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Dec. 2
Season 8, Week 13 - EMMITT AND COMPANY INVADE JARED FOGLE'S MANOR - Dec. 9
Season 8, Week 14 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES ULTIMATE THREAT AGAINST AMERICA - Dec. 16
Season 8, Week 15 - THE STARTLING TRUTH ABOUT KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 23
Season 8, Week 16 - ROGER GOODELL AND KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 30
Season 9, Week 1 - EMMITT'S BUTTERFLIES - Sept. 13
Season 9, Week 2 - EMMITT SEEKS HELP FOR NEW DANGER - Sept. 20
Season 9, Week 3 - EMMITT IN HOT WATER AFTER INTERVIEW - Sept. 27
Season 9, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES OLD FRIEND FROM TROUBLE - Oct. 3
Season 9, Week 5 - JOHNNY MANZIEL RECOUNTS EVENTS OF PAST FIVE MONTHS - Oct. 10
Season 9, Week 6 - EMMITT INCITES RIOT - Oct. 17
Season 9, Week 7 - COLLEGE STUDENTS AIM TO DEBACLE EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Oct. 24
Season 9, Week 8 - THE GRAND MASTER PLAN OF THE LEAGUE OF FAILED GENERAL MANAGERS - Oct. 31
Season 9, Week 9 - HOW A SHARK SAVED EMMITT'S LIFE - Nov. 7
Season 9, Week 10 - EMMITT MEETS WITH DONALD TRUMP - Nov. 14
Season 9, Week 11 - CAN EMMITT SURVIVE ATTACK FROM COLLEGE IDIOTS? - Nov. 21
Season 9, Week 12 - EMMITT EXPOSES HILLARY CLINTON - Nov. 28
Season 9, Week 13 - THE CONNECTION BETWEEN HILLARY CLINTON AND MATT MILLEN - Dec. 5
Season 9, Week 14 - EMMITT SEEKS TO SAVE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE - Dec. 12
Season 9, Week 15 - INSIDE THE EVIL DIMENSION - Dec. 19
Season 9, Week 16 - GOOD EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT - Dec. 26
Season 10, Week 1 - A YEAR OF EVIL EMMITT - Sept. 12
Season 10, Week 2 - EVIL EMMITT MEETS WITH ROGER GOODELL - Sept. 19
Season 10, Week 3 - BROCK OSWEILER HOSTS ESPYS - Sept. 26
Season 10, Week 4 - THE SINGLE RANGER SEEKS TO HELP EMMITT - Oct. 2
Season 10, Week 5 - EVIL EMMITT AND EZEKIEL ELLIOTT JOIN FORCES WITH DANTE FOWLER - Oct. 9
Season 10, Week 6 - EMMITT SEEKS OUT ELI MANNING IN MISTISSIPPI - Oct. 16
Season 10, Week 7 - EMMITT REQUESTS THE RICE OF PASSAGE - Oct. 23
Season 10, Week 8 - EMMITT ENTERS THE DRAGONLORD'S CASTLE - Oct. 30
Season 10, Week 9 - EMMITT MEETS DRAGONLORD ROSIE O'DONNELL - Nov. 6
Season 10, Week 10 - OBTAINING BRETT FAVRE'S GOOSE EGG - Nov. 13
Season 10, Week 11 - CONFRONTING NORV TURNER'S TURKEY NECK ONCE MORE - Nov. 20
Season 10, Week 12 - EMMITT IS SET ABLAZE - Nov. 27
Season 10, Week 13 - EMMITT GETS HIS REVENGE ON TURKEY NECK TOWN - Dec. 4
Season 10, Week 14 - EMMITT IS TESTED TO OBTAIN THE SWORD OF LEGENDARY SWORD - Dec. 11
Season 10, Week 15 - THE EMMITTS RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - Dec. 18
Season 10, Week 16 - REAL EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT, THE REMATCH - Dec. 25
Season 11, Week 1 - EMMITT, AS NEW OWNER, ALREADY IN HOT WATER - Sept. 12
Season 11, Week 2 - MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Sept. 19
Season 11, Week 3 - PATRIOTS DROP TO 0-4 IN EMMITT'S FIRST GAME - Sept. 26
Season 11, Week 4 - ANOTHER MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Oct. 2
Season 11, Week 5 - PATRIOTS BLOWN OUT AGAIN - Oct. 9
Season 11, Week 6 - PATRIOTS DON'T LOSE FOR FIRST TIME ALL YEAR - Oct. 16
Season 11, Week 7 - LEAD INVESTIGATOR GIVES INITIAL REPORT ON GILLETTE STADIUM MURDERS - Oct. 23
Season 11, Week 8 - EMMITT HAS MEETING OF THE MINDS TO TURN PATRIOTS AROUND - Oct. 30
Season 11, Week 9 - ROGER GOODELL FINALLY MEETS WITH EMMITT REGARDING STATUES - Nov. 6
Season 11, Week 10 - EMMITT REQUESTS HELP TO DESTROY STATUES - Nov. 13
Season 11, Week 11 - PATRIOTS ONCE AGAIN WIN WITHOUT A QUARTERBACK - Nov. 20
Season 11, Week 12 - ATTACK DURING PATRIOTS-RAIDERS GAME - Nov. 27
Season 11, Week 13 - ROGER GOODELL PLANS FOR STATUE ATTACK - Dec. 4
Season 11, Week 14 - NFL DECIDES NOT TO CANCEL ANY GAMES AMID STATUE-13 ATTACK - Dec. 11
Season 11, Week 15 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS CLASH WITH STATUES NORTH OF THE WALL - Dec. 18
Season 11, Week 16 - EMMITT BATTLES STATUE-13 - Dec. 25
Season 12, Week 1 - A NEW THREAT ARISES - Sept. 10
Season 12, Week 2 - QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF EMMITT'S COMMISSIONERSHIP - Sept. 17
Season 12, Week 3 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ARRIVES IN ANTARCTICA - Sept. 24
Season 12, Week 4 - EMMITT'S TRUEBORN SON HEADS NORTH - Oct. 1
Season 12, Week 5 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR BIG GAME AGAINST STEELERS - Oct. 8
Season 12, Week 6 - THE BATTLE OF SOFTHOUSE - Oct. 15
Season 12, Week 7 - EMMITT SNOW JR. WARNS EVERYONE OF IMPENDING THREAT - Oct. 22
Season 12, Week 8 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ATTEMPTS TO WIN ELECTION - Oct. 29
Season 12, Week 9 - EMMITT GRIEVES; LOVE BLOSSOMS - Nov. 5
Season 12, Week 10 - MYSTERIOUS FORCE WIPES OUT BUCCANEERS - Nov. 12
Season 12, Week 11 - EMMITT'S PLAN BACKFIRES - Nov. 19
Season 12, Week 12 - THE THREE-EYED BALTIMORE RAVEN - Nov. 26
Season 12, Week 13 - EMMITT�S CONFRONTATION WITH THORNIN YOURSIDE - Dec. 3
Season 12, Week 14 - THE LONG FIGHT - Dec. 10
Season 12, Week 15 - THE TRUE ENEMY IS REVEALED - Dec. 17
Season 12, Week 16 - A NEW NFL COMMISSIONER - Dec. 24
Season 13, Week 1 - EMMITT IN THE NORTH - Sept. 15
Season 13, Week 2 - EMMITT RECEIVES GRAVE NEWS - Sept. 22
Season 13, Week 3 - THE BEAR'S SPECIAL TRIP - Sept. 29
Season 13, Week 4 - NEW UNEXPECTED NFL LEADERSHIP - Oct. 6
Season 13, Week 5 - CONGRESS HAS SECRET MEETING TO DISCUSS EMMITT'S RETURN - Oct. 13
Season 13, Week 6 - A SURPRISE TWIST AT THE MAKO REACTOR - Oct. 20
Season 13, Week 7 - SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS AT THE NFL HEADQUARTERS BREAKIN - Oct. 27
Season 13, Week 8 - ANOTHER SENSELESS TRAGEDY - Nov. 2
Season 13, Week 9 - MORE RIOTS COMMENCE - Nov. 9
Season 13, Week 10 - THE BATTLE AGAINST FRANKIE AND THE RAT - Nov. 16
Season 13, Week 11 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REACH ESPN HEADQUARTERS - Nov. 23
Season 13, Week 12 - THE BATTLE AGAINST GRETCHEN UMBRIDGE - Nov. 30
Season 13, Week 13 - ESPN TRIES TO RECOVER AS THE RITUAL BEGINS - Dec. 7
Season 13, Week 14 - CONGRESSMEN AND GOODELL BOT PLAN THEIR NEXT MOVE - Dec. 14
Season 13, Week 15 - EMMITT BRACES FOR THE BEAR'S ARRIVAL - Dec. 21
Season 13, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FORETOLD BATTLE VERSUS THE GIANT BEAR - Dec. 28
NFL Picks - Nov. 20
2025 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 20
NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
