Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 3

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

EAGLES SIGN TWO; PREPARE TO TAKE ON PATRIOTS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 18, 2014

Forget about having all hands on deck for the New England game; the Eagles apparently thought they needed extra hands to take down the 2-0 Patriots.

On Wednesday, the Eagles made two controversial signings that had half the fan base in an uproar. One is an old face.

“Umm… uhh… we had to… uhh… bring Michael Vick back, hem hem…” said Andy Reid, who is back from a 2-year hiatus in which he coached the 49ers. “Michael, umm… deserves a third chance… uhh… umm… and we would like to give it to him, hem hem. Time’s yours.”

Vick was arrested a year ago for illegal cat fighting. He had quarterbacked the Falcons after Matt Ryan’s mysterious disappearance, but was sent to jail for a year. Vick admitted to performing Chinese water torture on some the kittens. Other kittens perished when Vick deprived them of sleep. According to court documents, Vick would spend days making sure some of his kittens didn’t fall asleep.

“I learned my lesson and I swear I will never do it again,” Vick said this week, reading from a napkin. “I know what I did wrong, and I would like to… umm… I can’t read this… hold on… oh yeah, I would like to reach out to animal rights organizations to stop others from torturing cats.”

Though Vick is no longer engaged in cat fighting, he told the media he is now involved in mouse fighting, which is legal in Pennsylvania.

“Mouses are fierce animals,” Vick said. “But don’t worry, PETA. I put little boxing gloves on their hands so they don’t really hurt each other. And no matter who wins or loses, I take both fighters out for a fancy meal at Red Lobster. There are no losers in Michael Vick’s Good Newz Mouse Holez.”

Philadelphia’s second acquisition should have stirred up more of a controversy. Needing to replace Shawn Andrews, who was placed on IR for the seventh consecutive season, Andy Reid reached out to John Wayne Gacy, a former serial killer who murdered 33 people.

“Uhh… umm… John Wayne deserves a second chance, hem hem,” Reid said of Gacy, who was believed to be executed. “We didn’t work John Wayne out, but… uhh… umm… we believe… uhh… he can make a positive contribution for us with… umm… Shawn out… John, time’s yours.”

All eyes and cameras turned to Gacy, who was sitting next to Reid at the podium.

“Tee hee hee, I am so glad for a second chance,” said Gacy, whose eyes were twitching. “I am so remorseful for my actions. I will never do them again tee hee hee!”

Gacy then leered at a little boy in the room. His hands began to shake and drool poured out of his mouth.

“You see?” interjected owner Jeffrey Lurie, who smiled at his new acquisition. “Everyone deserves a second chance. We believe John Wayne is a decent human being who made a mistake in the past. He’s going to be a great addition to our team. More importantly, the money that he’s going to bring in will help me build a 15th pool in my castle.”

Though a few fans were outraged by the Gacy signing, most Philadelphias were thrilled by the acquisition.

“Wooooo!!! John Wayne is awesome!” yelled one crazed fan wearing jorts.

“Everyone deserves a second chance. Why not John Wayne?” asked an Eagles homer.

“John Wayne made a stupid mistake in his past. He’ll never do it again. And it’s not like he killed hundreds of people; it was only 33,” remarked an artsy-fartsy college student.

Emmitt, meanwhile, was astonished that the Eagles would go to such great lengths to vanquish his team.

“I am very perpl… uhh… perplexative,” Emmitt said. “Why would anyone on their right minds sign a serious killer? John Wayne Gordon did not just kill one people. He did not just kill two people. He kill many many people. He killed so many people that he was label a serious killer. Andy Reid needs to be ashamed of himselves for doing them.”

For once, Emmitt actually made a lot of sense.