2013: Emmitt on the Brink – Week 14

2013: Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2013 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!

MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Thursday, Dec. 5, 2013

As if Tampa Bay’s season wasn’t terrible enough. The reeling Buccaneers, who now stand at 3-9, will play their last game ever with Donovan McNabb as their quarterback. McNabb, along with about 100 more NFL players, will be suspended early next week for unknowingly ingesting a masking agent for steroids.

“It’s terrible,” McNabb said. “I’ve never been a part of a steroids scandal. I didn’t even know there were steroid scandals. I’d like to see what happens in the Super Bowl if there’s a steroids scandal.”

Mirroring a 2008 occurrence when five players were eventually suspended for taking StarCaps, media members, fans and NFL players are once again irate that the league didn’t inform anyone that the food item in question was indeed a steroid masking agent. However, steroids expert Dr. Shawne Merriman opined that the athletes should have known this because what they put into their body is their responsibility.

“Eating gummy bears is very serious, and players should be penalized for this,” Merriman said. “See, gummy bears have an ingredient that mask a certain protein. That protein then masks a certain vitamin. That vitamin allows the blockage of another element, which then masks the same ingridient found in StarCaps. I can’t believe today’s athletes don’t know this!”

McNabb will receive the harshest penalty. It’s estimated that this year alone, McNabb has consumed more than 580,000 gummy bears. McNabb, of course, has been the spokesperson for Haribo Gold-Bears Gummi Candy ever since he was canned by Campbell’s Chunky Soup for ballooning up to 450 pounds. McNabb has since trimmed down to a svelte 420, thanks to his all-gummy bear diet.

“Donovan’s played his last game in the NFL, that much I can tell you,” Goodell declared. “You can’t eat that many gummy bears and expect to play in the NFL. For every gummy bear he consumed, there’s a chance he could have taken steroids. That means, it’s possible that Donovan could have 580,000 steroids in his body!”

OK, so McNabb’s career is over. What about the other 100 or so players?

“Believe me, I’d like to give these guys life in prison,” Goodell stated. “Unfortunately, that’s just a pipe dream. Everyone who has eaten at least one gummy bear this past calendar year will be suspended for a few games. Matt Jones is an exception. I need more information before I can suspend him.”

GAME ENDS EARLY AS MCNABB IS SENT TO HOSPITAL

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2013

When Dan Orlovsky and Ryan Fitzpatrick battled each other in a 2010 contest, the two inept signal callers set a record for most consecutive interceptions thrown, with seven. No one ever thought that embarrassing mark would ever be broken again.

So much for that. Not only was that record broken in this game – fans were left wondering if they’d ever see a completed pass ever again.

Anthony Morelli, who was sweating profusely and stumbling around, often lined up in the wrong position. On a few occasions, he tried to take the snap from his tight end. Once he got the ball, Morelli basically fired it downfield as hard as he could. His first eight throws were intercepted.

Meanwhile, McNabb, who was also sweating – it’s speculated that he now has gummy bear withdrawal – seemed disinterested, launching passes toward random spots on the field. Four of his throws were taken back for touchdowns.

Once New England established a 28-0 lead, Patriots offensive coordinator Brad Childress unleashed his “Jeff Dugan package,” which was essentially three consecutive carries for backup full back Jeff Dugan, followed by a punt.

“I’ve been waiting for a long time to use the Jeff Dugan Package,” Childress admitted. “And even though it let the other team back into the game, I’m still pleased with the results. The Buccaneers didn’t expect us to run Jeff three times in a row. We tricked them! Ha!”

Tampa Bay eventually drew to within one touchdown with eight minutes remaining and got the ball back with six minutes left.

No problem right? Not so much for McNabb. On first down, McNabb fired incomplete. Forty seconds later, the Buccaneers were whistled for a delay of game because McNabb began heaving. Right before taking the snap on second-and-15, McNabb threw up on center Jeff Faine.

Jon Gruden then motioned McNabb over, but suffered the same fate as Faine. McNabb then ran over to the Patriots sideline, and puked all over Emmitt Smith and Romeo Crennel. As official Jerome Boger called this game off, citing that he needed the Patriots to cover the 6-point spread, McNabb vomited all over ESPN sideline reporter Wendy Testaburger.

McNabb was then carted off to the hospital. Doctors told the media afterward that McNabb was simply suffering from morning sickness, and will be due in seven months.

“This is a new experience for me,” McNabb said. “I’ve never been pregnant before. Never have been part of a pregnancy. I’d like to see what would happen if a quarterback had morning sickness in the Super Bowl…”

“Oh, wait…” McNabb interjected. “That already happened to me.”