Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 6

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Oct. 5, 2018

Emmitt didn’t waste any time interrogating his new boss upon his arrival in Foxborough. Emmitt stormed into Kraft’s office, where saw the Patriots’ owner doing unspeakable things with a 30-year-old blonde. Sitting naked on top of his desk, Kraft commanded the blonde to insert Arby’s roast beef sandwiches into his backside. Kraft stuffed mozzarella sticks into his mouth as this was going on.

“That’s eight… it’ll be a new record if we get to 12, Sally…” Kraft moaned.

“My name is Betty!” the woman replied sharply.

“Whatever you say; all I know is that you’re the love of my life,” Kraft gasped as sandwich No. 9 entered his rear end.

Kraft looked up and spotted a short, but compact black man standing in his doorway.

“Emmitt, can’t you see that I’m busy here!?” Kraft shouted. “Why didn’t my secretary tell you that I was… uhh… giving Sally here a job interview?”

“My name is Betty!” the woman repeated herself.

“Yeah, Betty, this is an important job interview, and you’re ruining it!” Kraft bellowed. “Now, get the hell out of my office before I fire you and keep the Arby’s coupons I was planning on giving you later!”

Emmitt approached the owner, unfazed by neither the perverted Arby’s ordeal nor Kraft’s threats.

“Guy who own New Zealand Patriot, maybe you do not recognize myselves, but I am Emmitt Smith, the guy who was your coach a few week ago. I mean a few year ago,” Emmitt said. “I comed back to the team to find out what you has done with Brandon Lloyd chicken fingers.”

“Chicken fingers?” Kraft said aloud. “As far as I know, Arby’s doesn’t have chicken fingers. And if they do, I’m going to have to take the entire weekend off so Sally and I can shove them into… I mean eat them together.”

Emmitt turned to Betty, who didn’t correct herself this time.

“Excuse me, Miss Salad, may I have a word in privates with guy that own Patriot?” Emmitt asked.

The dejected blonde gathered her clothes and walked out of the office. When she shut the door, Emmitt walked even closer to Kraft.

“Guy that own Patriot, I am under the covers tryin’ to find out who kill Brandon Lloyd and stolened his chicken finger,” Emmitt said quietly. “I has been ask by the FIB to infuriate the Patriot and find out the culprict behind the crime. And since you the boss, you the No. 1 suspect on my list. After that is guy who coach the Patriot and all the guy who play for Patriot.”

“Emmitt, I honestly didn’t do it!” Kraft pleaded. “Seriously, I have an alibi! Sally and I were at an Arby’s convention when all of the crimes went down. I have pictures and convention tickets to prove it, I swear!”

Emmitt scratched his head in confusion. Kraft took this moment of silence to make a deal with his former coach.

“Emmitt, a scandal like this could totally ruin my franchise,” Kraft said. “Can you imagine all of the distractions? I’ll have to answer questions from the media instead of eat Arby’s food, which would be a borderline disaster. I’ll provide you with a cushy job here and all of the resources you need to find the perpetrator. In return, please be my voice to the media so I can concentrate on more pertinent business.”

Kraft extended his arm, and Emmitt shook it. Hours later, the paperwork was complete, and Emmitt was the new Arby’s Distraction Chief of Operations for the New England Patriots.