Emmitt on the Brink – Season 7: Week 16

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

FINDING HELP IN TAMPA

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Feb. 23, 2019

The nine men rested for the night and embarked back for Tampa on Thursday morning. Their goal was simple – find a man named Jeeves who was the only person they were aware of who knew how to end the Walking Buc apocalypse.

The trip back to Tampa was uneventful, and Justin Bieber serenaded his friends with a lovely tune. The skies opened up, and rain poured down as Bieber began his third song.

“See those raindrops?” asked DeSean Jackson, who was finally taking a break from driving his Toyota Sienna. “Those are angels crying upon hearing Justin’s beautiful voice.” Jackson proceeded to rub his own nipples. He reached for Adrian Peterson’s, but the former Viking running back resisted.

“This is all business,” Peterson said, gripping his switch. “I’m not here to make lovers.”

The Sienna reached Tampa by Friday morning. Emmitt opened up his trusty atlas in hopes of discovering where Jeeves happened to be.

“It only show three ball of light on the Florida city page,” Emmitt said, sounding disappointed. “I almost got excitement when I see the three balls, but then I remember that one of the balls is myselves, the other balls is Justin Beaver and the other balls is… uhh… I forgetted the name of the guy holdin’ the sticks.”

“My name is Adrian Peterson,” Peterson said, looking hurt.

“I apologize,” Emmitt said, putting his hand on Peterson’s shoulder. “I very apologize.”

“Like I said, I’m not here to make lovers,” Peterson snapped, turning away.

“Emmitt,” Johnny Manziel interrupted. “Why don’t you try speaking to your atlas?”

“How can I speak to my atlas?” Emmitt asked, giving Manziel a weird look. “The atlas do not have a… uhh… thing on the face with lip and teeth and tongues.”

“You mean a mouth?” Manziel replied. “It doesn’t need a mouth. Just ask it where to find Jeeves, and it might show you the way.”

“OK, trusty atlas,” Emmitt said, clearing his throat and looking down at the book. “Where can I found the guy name Jeeves?”

A fourth ball of light appeared on the book. It was shining over Coyote Ugly, one of the more famous bars in Tampa. Jerry Jones, who was at the wheel, took everyone there.

Upon arrival, the nine men skirted toward the bar, trying to avoid making any loud noises to attract any Walking Bucs. Emmitt attempted to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Maybe I should try to make a talk to the door like I doned with my trusty atlas?” Emmitt said quietly, looking hopeful that Manziel would approve of this idea. Manziel instead shook his head and knocked.

“Jeeves, we know you’re in there,” Manziel tried to announce without yelling. “I’m with Adrian Peterson, and we need your help.”

The door instantly unlocked, and it opened. Vincent Jackson and a British gentleman wearing a tuxedo were standing before them.

“My name is Jeeves, and this is my lover, Vincent Jackson,” the Englishman said. “We’ll do whatever we can to help.”