Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

STARTLING BREAKING NEWS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, July 22, 2019

Emmitt and his crew went back to the cafe and spent the night there, recuperating following the Greg Hardy kidnapping. Being trapped in a death room with a collapsing ceiling and then taking down someone as evil as Hardy, as well as his minions, took a toll on the team, so they all collapsed into a deep slumber that evening. All, except for Emmitt, who spent some time talking to Barry Sanders.

“Barry I do not understanding,” Emmitt said. “You said I am the master of unlockers, and then Diana Mariana Russia say earlier that there are seven master of unlockers.”

“This is true,” Sanders confirmed. “The Seven Masters of Unlocking are key – pun very much intended – to saving the universe. There’s you, and Jill, and I recently have found two others.

One is the guy who played Cody Lambert from Step by Step. The other is… well…”

“Well?” Emmitt asked. “I do not know any guy by the name of Well.”

“No, the word ‘well,’ Emmitt,” Sanders said.

“The word ‘well’ what, and what do that have to do with the guy name Well?” Emmitt asked.

“No, ugh,” Sanders replied with a hint of frustration in his voice. “The guy’s name isn’t Well. It’s… Jared Fogle.”

The two sat silently for a beat, as Emmitt finished drinking his sleepy-time tea.

“So, I’m a bit nervous about all of this,” Sanders said. “Jared Fogle is an evil man who must be stopped, but we also need him to help save the universe.”

“Can we help save the universal without him?” Emmitt asked.

“No, we need all seven, or we will all be doomed,” Sanders replied. “There’s a war coming, and we need to be on the right side of it.”

Emmitt asked Sanders why the universe was in danger, or what this supposed war was, but Sanders wouldn’t offer any hints, and he eventually suggested for the two of them to go to bed.

However, Emmitt’s slumber was interrupted by a commotion downstairs. He rolled out of bed, got dressed, and joined everyone to see what they were so rowdy about.

“Emmitt, look what’s happening!” Diana Marie Russini shouted, pointing at the TV.

“Ah, someone turned on the TV!” Emmitt exclaimed. “Does you think it was a ghost?”

“No, Emmitt, we turned on the TV,” Russini said. “Listen to the news report!”

The news reporter was showing hundreds – perhaps thousands – of little girls being escorted off a plane. None of them were over the age of 5, and some of them looked as young as 2.

“They expedited the process of stealing little girls from America so that Jared could legally have sex with them here!” Ray Rice cried.

All of these young ladies will now be taken to Jared Fogle’s manor, where they will join the sleazy American sandwich salesman until they are too old to pleasure him, the news anchor said. Some of these girls are much younger than 5, but Kim Jong-un declared today that the new age of consent in North Korea is now 2.

“I decrare today that 5 year ord too ord for consent!” Kim Jong-un said in a press conference. “Now, 2 year ord ord enough, so this make a Jared Fogre very happy!”

It appears as though Jared Fogle is a very happy man today, the news anchor continued. Reports indicate that there are more young American girls on their way.

“What do we do?” Rice asked.

“Easy,” the ninja answered. “We go to Jared Fogle’s manor and slit his throat.”

Emmitt glanced over at Sanders, who looked extremely nervous.