Emmitt on the Brink – Season 7: Week 10

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2019

Emmitt and his friends narrowly escaped from the corrupt city of Snozzberry and its evil Secretary of Education, Gus Bradley. Emmitt’s crew, now reduced to seven – Johnny Manziel, Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Jerry Jones, Jim Irsay, DeSean Jackson and Emmitt himself – drove as far west as they could go, but encountered a blockade in Arizona. The Onett police department wouldn’t let Jackson’s Toyota Sienna pass through.

“But we have to get to California to find the second scion of the Walking Buc Apocalypse!” Jackson complained, but to no avail. The Onett police officer murmured something about going for the roadblock world record.

Emmitt opened his trusty atlas and studied the map of Europe before he realized he was looking at the wrong continent. He then flipped to America and noticed that two parts of the map were glowing. Three circles – one in California; two others in Texas – radiated. Emmitt assumed it was just the sunlight and then went told everyone the detour they’d have to take.

“It took like we going to have to travel in the up direction and go through the city of Utah and then the country with the triangle at the bottom to get to California,” Emmitt said.

“This is not good … not good at all,” Manziel replied.

“Why’s that, Johnny?’ Irsay responded. “We’re going through Nevada, which means Vegas, which means more hookers for me to sell my drugs to!”

“We’re not here to do that,” Manziel snapped. “And we have to get through Utah first anyway. I’ve heard horrible things about Utah. Ever since the Walking Bucs started showing up, no one has ventured into Utah and lived to tell about it. No one knows what’s going on there, but it can’t be good.”

“Well, we don’t have a choice, do we?” Gordon asked. “If we can’t find the two remaining scions, humanity is doomed forever.”

The seven men all agreed that they needed to go in the “up direction” and venture into Utah. So, they did just that, passing by deserted cities in Arizona like Twoson and Threed before they reached the border.

No one said anything as Jackson’s minivan turned west toward Nevada. The hum of the engine and the occasional bump on the road provided the only respite from the eerie silence. A third sound – the brakes squeaking – interrupted the soundless monotony.

“Guys, where do we go?” Jackson asked.

The men suddenly found themselves confronted with an eight-way intersection.

“Why don’t you just go straight?” Rice asked.

“Or now that we stop going in the up direction, maybe we go in the left direction,” Emmitt chimed in.

“I have been going straight and left,” Jackson answered. “I’ve been at this intersection seven times already, and I’ve gone down a different road on each occasion. I even tried going back, and nothing works – we just keep coming back here.”

“What about the eighth road?” Gordon asked.

“That’s the problem,” Jackson said. “It says it leads to Salt Lake City, but we don’t need to go there because I know from looking at Emmitt’s trusty atlas that it’s out of the way.”

“Might as well go there and see if we can ask anyone for directions,” Gordon suggested.

Jackson shrugged his shoulders and turned on the road that led to Salt Lake City. The sky grew darker with each passing mile, and the men saw signs every so often. The words “sanctuary” and “safe haven” were most prevalent.

“Safe heaven?” Emmitt asked. “Maybe God know the answer to our question.”

An hour later, the men finally arrived at Salt Lake City – or rather, a large building with the words “Salt Lake City” taped to the windows.

“Maybe one of us should stay behind just in case it’s a trap,” Rice suggested.

“Don’t be a sissy, Ray,” Gordon snapped. “Didn’t you see the signs that said ‘sanctuary’ and ‘safe haven?’ We’re totally safe. Let’s all go in at the same time.”

Emmitt and his crew gathered some supplies and approached the entrance. They walked by a garden, turned the corner and saw a woman barbecuing meat. She was a middle-aged blonde wearing an odd black-and-gold uniform, almost as if she were from space. A metallic signet was taped to her chest.

“Welcome to Salt Lake City,” she said warmly. “Now, let me make you a plate.”

THWAP!

Seven men snuck up behind Emmitt and each of his companions and knocked them out.

“I didn’t finish,” she sneered. “I’ll make you a plate that we can enjoy for dinner.”