Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT REQUESTS HELP TO DESTROY STATUES

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 6, 2020

With his quarterback DeShone Kizer recuperating from eye surgery to correct his color blindness, Emmitt had some time on his hands despite being owner of the New England Patriots. Besides, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave him an objective in front of a throng of media members, so Emmitt had no choice but to comply.

The problem was that Emmitt didn’t know whom to trust to help him remove the statues in front of all the NFL stadiums. He couldn’t afford screwing this up, as he was already under heavy heat for some actions earlier in the season. In fact, this all started because a now-deceased custodian of his called the authorities on non-paying customers at Gillette Stadium when the venue was closed.

“How I get onto this mess?” Emmitt wondered aloud as he scoured the contact menu on his phone. “Killing zombie, going to East Korea to stop King Jong Boom and defbeating myselves in the parallelogram universe all easierness than this.”

Emmitt decided that his former teammates were the most trustworthy. He called Michael Irvin first, who answered with an excited voice.

“Point win championship!?” Irvin answered.

“Hello Michael Irving, this Emmitt, the guy who run with ball on the Cowboy,” Emmitt replied.

Emmitt told Irvin about his plight, which caught the former receiver by surprise. Irvin, however, told Emmitt he couldn’t help him.

“CAN’T DO THAT!” Irvin yelled, suddenly. “I NEED TO RESTORE MY FORMER TEAM TO BE THE KINGS OF THE NFL! THEY NEED TO GET BACK TO THEIR PLACE AMONG KINGS! AND I DON’T MEAN THE SACRAMENTO KINGS, OR THE LOS ANGELES KINGS, EMMITT, BUT ACTUAL KINGS, LIKE THE ONE IN ENGLAND!”

Emmitt told Irvin that he couldn’t help him, as he had the Patriots to worry about. He then called Troy Aikman.

“Hello Troy… uhh… Johnson, this Emmitt, the guy you gived the ball on the Cowboy a long time ago,” Emmitt said.

“Joe, let me tell you, my former teammate Emmitt called me and introduced himself,” Aikman said.

“Who Joe, exactly?” Emmitt asked.

“Joe, let me tell you, Emmitt just asked me who Joe is, Joe,” Aikman replied.

“Mr. Troy… uhh… Jordan… what you talking about exactly?” Emmitt asked.

“Joe, let me tell you, Emmitt just asked what I’m talking about, Joe, looks like this will be an interesting phone conversation, Joe,” Aikman said.

After five minutes of similar responses, Emmitt hung up the phone. Suddenly, his phone rang.

“Hey, Emmitt, this is Eric Mangini, you used to call me Eric Mangina,” Mangini said. “I helped you out a lot, and now you have to help me. I know Erin Andrews-Sanders is working for you. She’s my girlfriend, and I need to see her. She’s not returning my calls, so her phone must be broken. Please, Emmitt, please let me help you with the statues so I can impress my girlfriend Erin Andrews-Sanders, so that she finally starts calling me her boyfriend even though she’s married to Colonel Sanders,” Mangini said in one breath, which was probably stinky.

Emmitt hung up his phone again. He promised his NFL press secretary that he would protect her no matter what – even if it meant rejecting all help and taking all of the statues down himself.