Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

EMMITT AND HIS CREW MEET WITH MICHAEL SAM

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, July 21, 2019

Everyone agreed that they’d leave in the morning, so they settled into the available second-floor rooms of the cafe. The owner was very accommodating, though space was limited. Emmitt,

Ray Rice and Shannon Sharpe’s ninja friend all had to share one room.

“What does Michael Sam have to do with all of this?” Rice asked the ninja prior to turning in. “And what’s he doing here in North Korea, anyway?”

“To answer the latter question first, Michael Sam is working hard on reviving his NFL career,” the ninja replied. “The CFL doesn’t want him anymore because he quit on them, but Kim Jong-un was more than happy to harbor him. According to Kim Jong-un’s reasoning, the more gays the better, since it means more women for him.”

“Understandable,” Rice said, his fists clenched. “Though more women means that you have to be on guard to defend yourself.”

The ninja looked at Rice oddly for a second, but continued.

“Michael Sam is on Kim Jong-un’s favorite football team, so he shares a locker room with Robert Griffin,” the ninja said. “So, we need to have Michael convince Robert to help us out.

Robert is close with his owner, but he can be coerced, I’m sure. However, we can’t do it because we barely know the guy. He and Michael are close, being the few Americans on the North Korean football team.”

The ninja stared at both Rice and Emmitt, and noticed that the latter had a worried expression on his face.

“What’s wrong, Emmitt?” he asked.

“Well, Michael Sam from what I can recalls, is a homophobe, and he like to have sexual with other guy from what I remember correct,” he said. The ninja nodded his head.

“Well, what if I catch the disease he have and become a homophobe myselves? I have a wive and kids. If I suddenly want to have a sexual with a man, my wive might want to diverse me.”

The ninja tried his hardest not to laugh.

“You can’t become gay, Emmitt, you’re either born that way or not,” he said. “Anyway, let’s get some rest. We have a big day ahead of ourselves.”

He turned the light off, and soon enough, he and Rice were fast asleep. Emmitt, however, struggled to fall into a slumber, as he was still unconvinced that being in close proximity to Sam couldn’t harm him.

The crew left the following morning – Emmitt, Rice, the ninja, Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe and Lane Kiffin – piled into a van and drove to the North Korean football team’s practice facility. They took the back roads, just to make sure to avoid any checkpoints that Kim Jong-un happened to set up. They were fugitives, after all.

Kiffin, who wasn’t one of the suspects Kim Jong-un highlighted in his newscast the night before in which he threatened to steal little American girls for Jared Fogle, went around and asked where they could find Sam. No one seemed to know where they could locate him until one player revealed a promising lead.

“He hasn’t been into practice all week,” he said. “But when I stopped for an energy drink this morning, I think I saw him walk into the studio down the block. Not too many big black guys wearing scarves here in North Korea – not that there’s anything wrong with wearing a scarf – so I’m betting it was him.”

Kiffin went back to the van and delivered the news. They then drove down to this studio and entered it. They immediately saw Sam prancing around with numerous cameras pointed at him. The only other people in the room were those working the camera, as well as a small woman in her 50s.

“Michael, long time no see,” Kiffin said. “But what are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?”

“I’m totally focused in on football now,” Sam said. “But I have to film my reality TV show first. That takes precedent over anything, but I want everyone to know that I’m like totally serious about football and stuff.”

Sam looked at Emmitt, who was standing in the corner, covering his mouth.

“What’s his deal?” Sam asked. “Does he not want to be in my great reality TV show? It’s going to be a hit! It’s all about my times in North Korea and stuff, and how I’m trying to be a great football player.”

“Nah, he’s scared of being turned gay,” the ninja said.

Sam shook his head and began to laugh, but immediately looked at the older woman.

“Megan, what’s up with my coffee!? I explicitly asked for two ounces of cream. Not 1.8 ounces! I can tell it’s 1.8 ounces! You know how!? Because I’m Michael Sam, hoe! I’m Michael freaking Sam, and I’m the star here, and I want exactly two ounces!”

Sam snapped his fingers and shooed his assistant away.

“I can’t believe the poor service here,” Sam whined, hurling the cup on the floor. “People think I’m like a diva and stuff, but I can’t get this stupid woman to give me the correct ounces in my coffee!”

Sam then looked suspiciously at everyone.

“Why are you all here?” he asked. “Come to star in my reality TV show? Because I’m the one true star on this show! No one else can steal my stardom! This all about me and my road to the NFL! I’m working so hard to get back into the league, and you’re trying to steal it from me!”

The ninja explained the situation to Sam. Emmitt and his crew expected him to realize how dire the situation was. Sam, however, planned on taking advantage of this opportunity.

“I’ll help you,” Sam said. “But I’ll need something first.”