Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

RAIDERS OWNER HAS NEW STRATEGY FOR PATRIOTS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 20, 2015

Like the Patriots, Al Davis’ Oakland Raiders are undefeated, thanks to the NFL’s perfect football player.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, you know of Glandor – a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound creation who once ran a 40-yard dash in 0.6 seconds. In nine games, Glandor has 7,250 rushing yards and 96 touchdowns.

“Glandor… is a great… playah…” Davis always says of his star lab rat.

Unfortunately for the man called Undead Al, the Raiders have not been able to beat the Patriots with Glandor on the roster.

“The referees… continue… to screw… the Oakland Raidahs…” Davis said. “It’s time… to start… a new strategy… so we can win… even if… commissionah… Pete Rozelle… wants us… to lose…”

Davis’ new strategy was unintentionally spawned Thursday afternoon when he took his great-great-great-great-grandchildren to see Harry Potter 4D. Harry Potter 4D is the first movie to use four-dimensional technology – where you can watch multiple movies at the same exact time (in this case, all eight Harry Potter films.)

While most people who want to see 4D movies must wear heavy glasses to prevent blindness, a mouth piece to stop bleeding, ear plugs to avert seizures and an x-ray vest to thwart radiation poisoning, Davis was able to don just his regular old black-and-white jumpsuit.

“All of my surgeries… have prevented me… from suffering… any maladies…” Davis revealed. “That’s why… I am able to continue… to scout great playahs… at the age… of 255…”

Davis, who was reluctant to watch Harry Potter 4D, claimed that he was optimistic about his chances of defeating the Patriots once the movies concluded.

“Voldemort… would have been… a great… football ownah…” Davis said. “But his one mistake… was focusing… on killing… Harry Pottah… instead… Vodemort should have… told his minions… to play football… for his team…”

So how specifically does Davis plan on finally beating New England?

“Like Voldemort… I will… dabble… in the… dark arts…” Davis said. “I will learn… how to use… dark magic… to beat… the Patriots… and then… get my revenge… on commissionah… Pete Rozelle…”

So, is the New England coaching staff afraid of the Raiders now that Davis plans on using dark magic? Not a chance.

“That’s so stupid,” said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. “Everyone knows the stuff in those Harry Potter movies isn’t real. If it were real, then Hermoine wouldn’t have gotten a restraining order against me when I sent her a real owl in the mail as a gift. I thought she’d be able to use it to write love letters to me, but instead, it pooped on all over her clothes. How do I know this? Well, by using my Teddy Ruxpin binoculars to spy into her bedroom window, of course.”

JaMarcus Russell, the other co-interim head coach, seemed more confused than confident.

“Uhh… I watch Hairy Pooper 4C do ya tink so?” Russell said or asked. “In the movie guy with glasses ride broom haha… uhh… and den big guy in forest with hair on face walk with dog and talk to spider, do ya tink so?”

Vegas isn’t as confident as Mangini and Russell; the oddsmakers have made the Raiders a 73-point favorite. After watching Davis’ antics over the years, it’s apparent that they’re legitimately concerned that the undead owner has something up his jumpsuit sleeve.