Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018

If someone paid Eagles’ receiver Riley Cooper and 49ers’ cornerback Chris Culliver each time they used a slur against minorities, they could probably buy out Facebook. To no one’s surprise, Cooper and Culliver are both in hot water over actions they committed this past weekend.

Culliver, who made homophobic remarks prior to Super Bowl five years ago, was detained for killing a gay man Sunday evening. Police found the body as they were searching for the Ragnarok Lloyd family killers. They unearthed the remains of this gay man with the words, “Chris Culliver was here” painted onto his chest. The authorities questioned Culliver, who admitted to the crime. In fact, he said it was the 19th time he has killed a gay man this year.

“Thank you, thank you,” Culliver said, smiling at the cameras. “Gay people are evil and they need to die, so it’s time for someone to step up.”

No one knew what to say. The media members surrounding Culliver seemed appalled by what Culliver had just admitted. Sensing they didn’t agree with him, Culliver went on a rant.

“Hey, I’m doing you all a favor, OK?” Culliver snapped. “What happens if you’re sleeping, and a gay guy sneaks into your bedroom, pulls down your pants and inserts his pee-pee into your butt?”

One person asked a follow-up question, which was whether Culliver expected to be suspended. Culliver just shrugged his shoulders and walked to his car. As we would soon discover, Culliver would not be penalized by the league.

“We let the individual teams handle these matters,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “Plus, suspending Chris would interfere with my whole hating all ethnic groups policy. This includes white people too. I hate everyone whose name isn’t Roger Goodell, to be honest with you.”

The person to take the most offense to this was Cooper. This may surprise many, but Cooper has undergone several years of sensitivity training, as mandated by the Eagles. He was locked in a room for quite a long time. Several black leaders stopped in and told him how great their race is. Cooper also put together puzzles of famous black people throughout history. The Rosa Parks puzzle stumped him for about a week, but he eventually solved it and felt better about black people.

“I’m very disappointed in Chris,” Cooper said with a tear in his eye. “You’d think an African American like Chris would understand the hardships minorities have had to face over the years. Perhaps he needs some sensitivity training as well.”

Ironically, however, Cooper will be the one punished by his own team.

“We’re ashamed by Riley’s comments today,” said a disgruntled Jeffrey Lurie, owner of the Eagles. “We can’t believe that after all of his years of sensitivity training, Riley used the A-A words. Chris is a black man, but just because he’s black doesn’t mean he came from Africa, or that he’s an American.”

The Eagles said Cooper will play in Sunday’s game against the 49ers, but the wide receiver will be punished via sensory deprivation for several days. He’ll then be forced to watch a continuous video on why saying the words “African American” can be hurtful to black people who are neither African nor American.

Goodell once again repeated that he wouldn’t be punishing anyone, but he noted that he supports Lurie’s decision.

“All ethnic groups are terrible, as far as I’m concerned,” Goodell said. “However, if I had to decide, I think I hate gay people more than I hate Afri- I mean black people.”