The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018
If someone paid Eagles' receiver Riley Cooper and 49ers' cornerback Chris Culliver each time they used a slur against minorities, they could probably buy out Facebook. To no one's surprise, Cooper and Culliver are both in hot water over actions they committed this past weekend.
Culliver, who made homophobic remarks prior to Super Bowl five years ago, was detained for killing a gay man Sunday evening. Police found the body as they were searching for the Ragnarok Lloyd family killers. They unearthed the remains of this gay man with the words, "Chris Culliver was here" painted onto his chest. The authorities questioned Culliver, who admitted to the crime. In fact, he said it was the 19th time he has killed a gay man this year.
"Thank you, thank you," Culliver said, smiling at the cameras. "Gay people are evil and they need to die, so it's time for someone to step up."
No one knew what to say. The media members surrounding Culliver seemed appalled by what Culliver had just admitted. Sensing they didn't agree with him, Culliver went on a rant.
"Hey, I'm doing you all a favor, OK?" Culliver snapped. "What happens if you're sleeping, and a gay guy sneaks into your bedroom, pulls down your pants and inserts his pee-pee into your butt?"
One person asked a follow-up question, which was whether Culliver expected to be suspended. Culliver just shrugged his shoulders and walked to his car. As we would soon discover, Culliver would not be penalized by the league.
"We let the individual teams handle these matters," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "Plus, suspending Chris would interfere with my whole hating all ethnic groups policy. This includes white people too. I hate everyone whose name isn't Roger Goodell, to be honest with you."
The person to take the most offense to this was Cooper. This may surprise many, but Cooper has undergone several years of sensitivity training, as mandated by the Eagles. He was locked in a room for quite a long time. Several black leaders stopped in and told him how great their race is. Cooper also put together puzzles of famous black people throughout history. The Rosa Parks puzzle stumped him for about a week, but he eventually solved it and felt better about black people.
"I'm very disappointed in Chris," Cooper said with a tear in his eye. "You'd think an African American like Chris would understand the hardships minorities have had to face over the years. Perhaps he needs some sensitivity training as well."
Ironically, however, Cooper will be the one punished by his own team.
"We're ashamed by Riley's comments today," said a disgruntled Jeffrey Lurie, owner of the Eagles. "We can't believe that after all of his years of sensitivity training, Riley used the A-A words. Chris is a black man, but just because he's black doesn't mean he came from Africa, or that he's an American."
The Eagles said Cooper will play in Sunday's game against the 49ers, but the wide receiver will be punished via sensory deprivation for several days. He'll then be forced to watch a continuous video on why saying the words "African American" can be hurtful to black people who are neither African nor American.
Goodell once again repeated that he wouldn't be punishing anyone, but he noted that he supports Lurie's decision.
"All ethnic groups are terrible, as far as I'm concerned," Goodell said. "However, if I had to decide, I think I hate gay people more than I hate Afri- I mean black people."
RAMIFICATIONS FOR RILEY COOPER, CHRIS CULLIVER
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 17, 2018
Think Roger Goodell is regretting not doing anything about the Riley Cooper and Chris Culliver remarks from last week? What occurred in Sunday's 49ers-Eagles tilt is a reminder that sometimes a punishment can act as a deterrent.
Cooper was booed mercilessly when he took the field at Lincoln Financial Field. He took the microphone prior to kickoff and apologized to all of the fans.
"To all of you in the stands and everyone watching on TV, I'm really sorry about everything I've said," Cooper said with tears pouring out of his eyes. "I'm sorry I used the N-word five years ago. I'm sorry I assumed Chris Culliver was an African American. And most of all, I'm sorry that I attended a Kenny Chesney concert. I swear I'm not a fan of that guy's music; I was just told there would be tons of hot chicks there."
The initial reaction was mixed. But then people started cheering. And then the cheers turned into chants of "Ches-ney sucks! Ches-ney sucks!" Indeed, Kenny Chesney does suck; we hate to editorialize, but it's a shame Chesney can't be subjected to sensory deprivation like Cooper was last week.
The game started, and it was a bit of a snoozer. The Eagles were winning 9-3 until quarterback Matt Barkley took a drive off in the fourth quarter to sign autographs and take pictures with some adoring fans. With only 10 men on the field, the Eagles' offense was at a major disadvantage. The center snapped the ball to no one, allowing Aldon Smith to scoop it up and run into the end zone for a touchdown.
Philadelphia, now down 10-9, had to answer with a score to avoid defeat. Barkley cocked his arm back and fired the ball with all of his might. It sailed 10 feet through the air and landed into Cooper's arms - and there was a wide-open field in front of him.
Could Cooper be the hero of this game? It certainly appeared to be the case as he crossed the 40, then the 30, the 20, the 10, 5... and Culliver came out of nowhere to tackle him. The two men flipped around in mid-air, and Cooper landed on Culliver's backside. This seemed a bit awkward. Cooper once hated black people, and now was lying on top of one. Culliver, meanwhile, hates gay people, but he could feel Cooper harden.
"Oooh, that feels kinda good," Culliver whispered.
"You think that feels good?" Cooper whispered back. "Just wait until what I have in store for you in the hotel room after the game."
"Hotel room?" Culliver responded. "Screw the hotel room. Just bang my brains out now, you redneck bastard."
"Oh, I like it when you talk dirty," Cooper replied. "Come here, you sexy African American!"
And just like that, the men ripped each other's jerseys off and started having intercourse on the football field. An enraged Goodell called the incident "shocking and disturbing," and promised that there would be consequences this time.
"I hate black people and I hate gay people, just like I hate everyone else, so the idea of two of those groups having sex with each other is quite appalling," Goodell said. "I'm considering lifetime bans for both Chris and Riley. I've learned my lesson about deterrents, so I need to make sure that a gay black man and a gay white man never have sex with each other ever again!"
Goodell was then asked if there was any progress on the Lloyd family murders.
"No, I have no time for that now," Goodell barked. "I'm actually running late to a meeting I scheduled with Kenny Chesney. He promised me that he would reveal how he's able to hypnotize hot chicks into falling in love with him with his crappy music."