Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 11, 2017

It appears as though Roger Goodell has more trouble on his hands than he initially realized. Despite banishing the New Orleans Saints from the NFL this season, the commissioner quickly discovered that he had to deal with perverted sexual acts on the football field, presumably done for money, during kickoff weekend of the 2017 campaign.

“It was horrible, just horrible,” Goodell said with a slight hint of frustration in his voice. “I thought the mastermind I was looking for was going to do something in the future, maybe after I allowed the Saints to reenter the league. I never fathomed that anything devious would occur this weekend.”

But it did. During the second half of the Colts-Seahawks game, disgraced linebacker Jonathan Vilma snuck onto the field as replacement referee Don King – no, not THAT Don King – was making his announcement.

“Holding. On the defense. That’s a 20-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No wait, that’s not right…”

As King tried to figure out where he went wrong, Vilma stealthily approached Andrew Luck. He then grabbed Luck’s pants, pulled them down, bent him over and performed ungodly things with the quarterback’s rear end using hamsters, toast and mayonnaise.

“Oh God, this just doesn’t feel right!” Luck cried in agony.

King, meanwhile, still had no idea what was going on. He tried to announce the same penalty again. “Holding. On the offense. There were two men in motion. That’s a 25-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No, wait, that’s not right either…”

The other Colt players, who were frustrated with King’s incompetence, finally realized what was going on with their quarterback. Unfortunately, it was too late. Vilma laughed maniacally and threw a smoke bomb. He disappeared once everything was visible again. King, of course, was oblivious to all of this.

“Holding. On the special teams. Two players were engaged with the defender at the same time. That’s a 3-yard penalty. First down, New York. Hmm… I think I got it this time.”

All the talk after the game was how Vilma violated Luck. No one discussed the utter ineptness of the replacement officials; in fact, we were the only ones to pose the question to Goodell at his press conference.

“Worried about the refs, are you kidding me?” Goodell asked rhetorically. “We have a madman on the loose, sticking hamsters, toast and mayonnaise into Pro Bowl quarterbacks’ anuses, and you want to discuss the replacement officials? Are you insane? And what the real refs are asking for is ridiculous anyway. I can’t believe they want $1.50 more per hour. What an outrage. The National Football League is just a multi-billion dollar industry. We can’t afford such extravagances.”

We respectfully disagree with Goodell because the replacement officials are worth discussing. The New York Jets lost because their kick returner was called for an illegal chop block as he was taking the game-winning kickoff to the house. The Washington Redskins suffered a defeat because Robert Griffin III was whistled for roughing the quarterback when he threw what should have been the decisive touchdown to Pierre Garcon. And perhaps the worst offense came against the Ravens, who were whistled for a mysterious “obstruction of justice” 80-yard penalty with 30 seconds remaining in their contest.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like Goodell is going to do anything about this. He’s just too preoccupied with finding the mastermind behind Bountygate II. We’re hoping that Emmitt, his chief investigator, has some good news for us in the coming days, but we’re not holding our breath.