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Emmitt on the Brink. The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement. This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days. Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology. |
 Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson |
EMMITT MEETS AN UNEXPECTED ALLY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt and Ray Rice realized they’d have to come up with a plan to take down Kim Jong-un before he could carry out his threat to blow up America in retaliation for Tom Brady’s Deflategate scandal. The two men went back to their hotel room to brainstorm, but failed to come up with any concrete ideas.
“There have to be a way to debacle Kim Johnson!” Emmitt exclaimed after about an hour of silence.
“But how!?” Rice shot back, clearly frustrated. “Kim Jong-un is very well protected, and it’s not like he’s never not in his office, since Robert Griffin III is apparently sleeping there.”
The two men decided to turn in for the night, as a fresh start in the morning could help spawn some ideas. However, they quickly realized that there was just one bed in the room. This puzzled Rice, as he specifically asked for twin beds. They went down to the lobby to complain, but the concierge didn’t provide much help.
“Sorry, our rooms have only one bed,” he said. “And don’t bother checking other hotels because they are all the same. Kim Jong-un implemented a law in which all rooms can only have one bed.”
“That’s stupid,” Rice replied. “Why would he make a dumb law like that?”
“It is stupid,” the concierge agreed. “But he instituted that law because he would often bring back the girlfriends he paid for to a hotel, and they’d want to sleep in different beds.
This way, they’d be forced to sleep with him. Not that he’d get any action, or anything, despite the money he gave them.”
Emmitt and Rice agreed to sleep from head to toe, though that was a bit confusing for one of the men.
“Head to toes?” Emmitt asked. “What about the stomach, the neck and the heart? These are all very important organisms in the body.”
Rice explained what had to be done, and before they knew it, they were both asleep. When they awakened the following morning, they found a mysterious note that was slipped under their door.
Emmitt and Ray,
I know what you’re really doing here. I can help. Meet me in the hotel conference room at noon.
The two men discussed their options, but ultimately agreed that they had no choice. There was no real risk; if this happened to be a ploy by Kim Jong-un, he would have seized them in their hotel room.
Come noon, they entered the conference room. It was empty, save for a woman who sat at a table to the left of the entrance. She was facing them and smiling, and upon seeing her, Emmitt’s heartbeat hastened. She was a very pretty brunette with tan skin, who happened to look like she was in her 30s. Rice, however, had a different reaction.
“Emmitt, it’s a trap!” Rice exclaimed. “But don’t worry! It’s a female, so I can make sure she doesn’t bother us, thanks to my fists of fury!”
“It’s not a trap,” the woman said, standing up and approaching them. “I’m Dianna Marie Russini, and I believe I can help your mission.”
She reached out her hand, and Emmitt shook it. She shot a curious glance at Emmitt’s hand, as it happened to be very clammy.
“Ah, sorry,” Emmitt apologized. “I am just confuse. Very confuse. You say your name is Dianna Marie Rusinsky. But people can only has a first name and a last name, so how do you has three name? Which come first and which come last?”
“Some people have two first names,” Rice said before Russini had a chance to respond. He looked at her cautiously. Russini tried to smile back to make him feel more comfortable, but it had the opposite effect. Rice clenched his fists, but did not attack her.
“Ah, well, maybe I will going to call myselves Emmitt Marie Smith!” Emmitt interjected, trying his best to make a joke. He laughed nervously until he realized that no one else thought it was funny.
“I can get close to Kim Jong-un for you,” Russini said, ignoring Emmitt’s failed attempt at humor. “I’ve been dating him for the past few months.”
“Dating Kim Jong-un!?” Rice laughed, his fists no longer clenched. “Ha! Why would you date that loser?”
“For information, of course,” Russini replied, shooting Rice a stern look. “It’s what us female reporters do. It’s how we make our living. Fortunately, I haven’t had to sleep with him yet. He mentioned the one-bed rule, but I keep telling him that I have to get home before 10 p.m., or my carriage will turn into a pumpkin. He’s now trying to write up a law that says carriages may not transform into pumpkins anymore.
“Anyway, Kim Jong-un keeps a key in his desk drawer,” she continued. “It’s the key to North Korea’s nuclear facility. If I can nab it, and you enter the facility and destroy everything, he won’t be able to destroy America.”
Emmitt and Rice looked at each other and nodded. Now, it was Rice’s turn to extend his hand. Russini shook it.
“Welcome to the team,” he said.
DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI’S PLAN TO STEAL NORTH KOREA’S NUCLEAR KEY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini spent the afternoon going over their plan to steal the key to North Korea’s nuclear facility.
“I’m going to head over at 9,” she said. “I already told him I’d be there late because I have to wash my hair for five hours, and he said that would be OK as long as I cut off a locket of my hair and gave it to him for safekeeping.”
“Wait a seconds…” Emmitt interrupted. “You have a locker in your hair? Where you put the key!?”
“That’s locket; not locker,” Russini corrected Emmitt. “So, anyway, once I get to his office, I’ll make him some hot chocolate with marshmallows – he refuses to drink it without marshmallows – but I’ll put a sedative in there. When he wakes up, I’ll be long gone with the key.”
“What about Robert Griffin?” Rice asked. “He’s always hanging out in Kim Jong-un’s office. Won’t he tell his boss that you stole the key?”
“Don’t worry about Robert,” Russini replied. “I have something on him.”
That night, Russini arrived at Kim Jong-un’s office at 9, as planned. Upon seeing her, he stood up. He reached out his short arms to hug her, and Russini had to refrain from scowling at his sweaty, stinky armpits.
“It is shame you have to take so rong to wash your hair!” Jong-un said. “Did you bring me your rocket of hair!?”
Emmitt, who was listening in from the van via the bug Russini had in her purse, turned to Rice with a confused expression on his face.
“Do Donna Marie Rostini really have a rocket in her hair?” he asked. “First, she have a locker, now she have a rocket. How many thing can this woman fit into her hair!?”
Rice didn’t respond; he simply just shook his head.
Meanwhile, back inside, Russini handed Jong-un a locket of her hair. He grabbed it out of her hands and smothered it into his face, sniffing it for about 30 seconds.
“So, what do you want to do tonight?” he asked. “How about we pray mini-gorf!?”
“I can’t, sweetie,” she replied, touching his shoulder, causing his 1-inch penis to become erect almost instantly. “Remember, my carriage will turn into a pumpkin at 10, so I have to be home by then.”
“This is ridicurous!” Jong-un snapped, his “manhood” – if you want to be so generous – becoming his soft once again. “I armost ready to make it a raw that no carriage can turn into a pumpkin, especiarry as earry as 10 o’crock!”
“That could be great, sweetie,” she said. “Maybe to calm you down, I can make some of your favorite hot cocoa?”
“OK, but I want it with marshmarrows!”
“Of course, sweetie. I’ll just go make some right now.”
Russini left the room and ventured toward the kitchen. Minutes later, she returned with the hot cocoa. She handed it to him, and after a few minutes, he was out cold. She quickly began scouring his desk for the nuclear key. Griffin, realizing this was all a ploy, stood up and confronted her.
“You tricked my boss, and now I’m going tell on you!” Griffin announced. Russini, expecting this, had the perfect retort ready.
“Robert, if you do that, I’m going to tweet out that I have inside info on you,” she said, with his eyes widening. “I’m going to say that multiple sources told me that you suck at tweeting and that no one should follow you anymore.”
Griffin looked like he was going to faint.
“No… you wouldn’t do that…” he said, almost gasping for air.
“I won’t do that, if you don’t stop me or tell on me.”
“Fine, fine, just please, for the love of God, don’t hurt my reputation on Twitter!”
Russini rummaged around a bit more through an assortment of Pokemon and My Little Pony action cards, but she finally unearthed the key. She sprinted out of the building and met Emmitt and Rice at the van.
“Dianna, I’m glad you OK, but you shouldn’t run so fast with a rocket in your hair!” Emmitt exclaimed.
“I have the key!” Russini said, ignoring Emmitt. “Now, let’s destroy North Korea’s nuclear facility!”
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBER�S POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
Season 8, Week 1 - OUTRAGE OVER DEFLATEGATE - Sept. 15
Season 8, Week 2 - EMMITT STOPS SEEMINGLY HORRIBLE CRIME - Sept. 22
Season 8, Week 3 - CHIP KELLY ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST AGAIN - Sept. 29
Season 8, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES JAY CUTLER WITH SOME HELP - Oct. 7
Season 8, Week 5 - MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST TOM BRADY - Oct. 14
Season 8, Week 6 - INSIDE EMMITT'S MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN - Oct. 21
Season 8, Week 7 - DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI�S PLAN TO STEAL NORTH KOREA�S NUCLEAR KEY - Oct. 28
Season 8, Week 8 - ENTERING THE NORTH KOREA NUCLEAR FACILITY - Nov. 4
Season 8, Week 9 - ESCAPING FROM JARED FOGLE'S DUNGEON - Nov. 11
Season 8, Week 10 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT - Nov. 18
Season 8, Week 11 - EMMITT AND HIS CREW MEET WITH MICHAEL SAM - Nov. 25
Season 8, Week 12 - OLD NEMESIS ABDUCTS EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Dec. 2
Season 8, Week 13 - EMMITT AND COMPANY INVADE JARED FOGLE'S MANOR - Dec. 9
Season 8, Week 14 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES ULTIMATE THREAT AGAINST AMERICA - Dec. 16
Season 8, Week 15 - THE STARTLING TRUTH ABOUT KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 23
Season 8, Week 16 - ROGER GOODELL AND KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 30
Season 9, Week 1 - EMMITT'S BUTTERFLIES - Sept. 13
Season 9, Week 2 - EMMITT SEEKS HELP FOR NEW DANGER - Sept. 20
Season 9, Week 3 - EMMITT IN HOT WATER AFTER INTERVIEW - Sept. 27
Season 9, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES OLD FRIEND FROM TROUBLE - Oct. 3
Season 9, Week 5 - JOHNNY MANZIEL RECOUNTS EVENTS OF PAST FIVE MONTHS - Oct. 10
Season 9, Week 6 - EMMITT INCITES RIOT - Oct. 17
Season 9, Week 7 - COLLEGE STUDENTS AIM TO DEBACLE EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Oct. 24
Season 9, Week 8 - THE GRAND MASTER PLAN OF THE LEAGUE OF FAILED GENERAL MANAGERS - Oct. 31
Season 9, Week 9 - HOW A SHARK SAVED EMMITT'S LIFE - Nov. 7
Season 9, Week 10 - EMMITT MEETS WITH DONALD TRUMP - Nov. 14
Season 9, Week 11 - CAN EMMITT SURVIVE ATTACK FROM COLLEGE IDIOTS? - Nov. 21
Season 9, Week 12 - EMMITT EXPOSES HILLARY CLINTON - Nov. 28
Season 9, Week 13 - THE CONNECTION BETWEEN HILLARY CLINTON AND MATT MILLEN - Dec. 5
Season 9, Week 14 - EMMITT SEEKS TO SAVE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE - Dec. 12
Season 9, Week 15 - INSIDE THE EVIL DIMENSION - Dec. 19
Season 9, Week 16 - GOOD EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT - Dec. 26
Season 10, Week 1 - A YEAR OF EVIL EMMITT - Sept. 12
Season 10, Week 2 - EVIL EMMITT MEETS WITH ROGER GOODELL - Sept. 19
Season 10, Week 3 - BROCK OSWEILER HOSTS ESPYS - Sept. 26
Season 10, Week 4 - THE SINGLE RANGER SEEKS TO HELP EMMITT - Oct. 2
Season 10, Week 5 - EVIL EMMITT AND EZEKIEL ELLIOTT JOIN FORCES WITH DANTE FOWLER - Oct. 9
Season 10, Week 6 - EMMITT SEEKS OUT ELI MANNING IN MISTISSIPPI - Oct. 16
Season 10, Week 7 - EMMITT REQUESTS THE RICE OF PASSAGE - Oct. 23
Season 10, Week 8 - EMMITT ENTERS THE DRAGONLORD'S CASTLE - Oct. 30
Season 10, Week 9 - EMMITT MEETS DRAGONLORD ROSIE O'DONNELL - Nov. 6
Season 10, Week 10 - OBTAINING BRETT FAVRE'S GOOSE EGG - Nov. 13
Season 10, Week 11 - CONFRONTING NORV TURNER'S TURKEY NECK ONCE MORE - Nov. 20
Season 10, Week 12 - EMMITT IS SET ABLAZE - Nov. 27
Season 10, Week 13 - EMMITT GETS HIS REVENGE ON TURKEY NECK TOWN - Dec. 4
Season 10, Week 14 - EMMITT IS TESTED TO OBTAIN THE SWORD OF LEGENDARY SWORD - Dec. 11
Season 10, Week 15 - THE EMMITTS RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - Dec. 18
Season 10, Week 16 - REAL EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT, THE REMATCH - Dec. 25
Season 11, Week 1 - EMMITT, AS NEW OWNER, ALREADY IN HOT WATER - Sept. 12
Season 11, Week 2 - MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Sept. 19
Season 11, Week 3 - PATRIOTS DROP TO 0-4 IN EMMITT'S FIRST GAME - Sept. 26
Season 11, Week 4 - ANOTHER MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Oct. 2
Season 11, Week 5 - PATRIOTS BLOWN OUT AGAIN - Oct. 9
Season 11, Week 6 - PATRIOTS DON'T LOSE FOR FIRST TIME ALL YEAR - Oct. 16
Season 11, Week 7 - LEAD INVESTIGATOR GIVES INITIAL REPORT ON GILLETTE STADIUM MURDERS - Oct. 23
Season 11, Week 8 - EMMITT HAS MEETING OF THE MINDS TO TURN PATRIOTS AROUND - Oct. 30
Season 11, Week 9 - ROGER GOODELL FINALLY MEETS WITH EMMITT REGARDING STATUES - Nov. 6
Season 11, Week 10 - EMMITT REQUESTS HELP TO DESTROY STATUES - Nov. 13
Season 11, Week 11 - PATRIOTS ONCE AGAIN WIN WITHOUT A QUARTERBACK - Nov. 20
Season 11, Week 12 - ATTACK DURING PATRIOTS-RAIDERS GAME - Nov. 27
Season 11, Week 13 - ROGER GOODELL PLANS FOR STATUE ATTACK - Dec. 4
Season 11, Week 14 - NFL DECIDES NOT TO CANCEL ANY GAMES AMID STATUE-13 ATTACK - Dec. 11
Season 11, Week 15 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS CLASH WITH STATUES NORTH OF THE WALL - Dec. 18
Season 11, Week 16 - EMMITT BATTLES STATUE-13 - Dec. 25
Season 12, Week 1 - A NEW THREAT ARISES - Sept. 10
Season 12, Week 2 - QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF EMMITT'S COMMISSIONERSHIP - Sept. 17
Season 12, Week 3 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ARRIVES IN ANTARCTICA - Sept. 24
Season 12, Week 4 - EMMITT'S TRUEBORN SON HEADS NORTH - Oct. 1
Season 12, Week 5 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR BIG GAME AGAINST STEELERS - Oct. 8
Season 12, Week 6 - THE BATTLE OF SOFTHOUSE - Oct. 15
Season 12, Week 7 - EMMITT SNOW JR. WARNS EVERYONE OF IMPENDING THREAT - Oct. 22
Season 12, Week 8 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ATTEMPTS TO WIN ELECTION - Oct. 29
Season 12, Week 9 - EMMITT GRIEVES; LOVE BLOSSOMS - Nov. 5
Season 12, Week 10 - MYSTERIOUS FORCE WIPES OUT BUCCANEERS - Nov. 12
Season 12, Week 11 - EMMITT'S PLAN BACKFIRES - Nov. 19
Season 12, Week 12 - THE THREE-EYED BALTIMORE RAVEN - Nov. 26
Season 12, Week 13 - EMMITT�S CONFRONTATION WITH THORNIN YOURSIDE - Dec. 3
Season 12, Week 14 - THE LONG FIGHT - Dec. 10
Season 12, Week 15 - THE TRUE ENEMY IS REVEALED - Dec. 17
Season 12, Week 16 - A NEW NFL COMMISSIONER - Dec. 24
Season 13, Week 1 - EMMITT IN THE NORTH - Sept. 15
Season 13, Week 2 - EMMITT RECEIVES GRAVE NEWS - Sept. 22
Season 13, Week 3 - THE BEAR'S SPECIAL TRIP - Sept. 29
Season 13, Week 4 - NEW UNEXPECTED NFL LEADERSHIP - Oct. 6
Season 13, Week 5 - CONGRESS HAS SECRET MEETING TO DISCUSS EMMITT'S RETURN - Oct. 13
Season 13, Week 6 - A SURPRISE TWIST AT THE MAKO REACTOR - Oct. 20
Season 13, Week 7 - SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS AT THE NFL HEADQUARTERS BREAKIN - Oct. 27
Season 13, Week 8 - ANOTHER SENSELESS TRAGEDY - Nov. 2
Season 13, Week 9 - MORE RIOTS COMMENCE - Nov. 9
Season 13, Week 10 - THE BATTLE AGAINST FRANKIE AND THE RAT - Nov. 16
Season 13, Week 11 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REACH ESPN HEADQUARTERS - Nov. 23
Season 13, Week 12 - THE BATTLE AGAINST GRETCHEN UMBRIDGE - Nov. 30
Season 13, Week 13 - ESPN TRIES TO RECOVER AS THE RITUAL BEGINS - Dec. 7
Season 13, Week 14 - CONGRESSMEN AND GOODELL BOT PLAN THEIR NEXT MOVE - Dec. 14
Season 13, Week 15 - EMMITT BRACES FOR THE BEAR'S ARRIVAL - Dec. 21
Season 13, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FORETOLD BATTLE VERSUS THE GIANT BEAR - Dec. 28
NFL Picks - Nov. 20
2025 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 20
NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
