Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE DEATH COUNT RISES

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Oct. 30, 2018

Emmitt arrived onto the scene, but it was too late. There was another apparent homicide relating to the Lloyd family, but the perpetrator had already vanished. This death was a bit different, however. And by “a bit,” we mean one letter.

“The other guys who die had last name of Lloyd,” Emmitt told us after searching the scene of the crime for evidence. “But this guy li-bit different. His last name have one different inside. Instead of the number L, which stand for 50 in Roman noodles, it have the number F, which not even a Roman noodle!”

What Emmitt referring to is that rather than a Lloyd dying, the victim happened to be a Floyd. This particular Floyd was Malcom Floyd, a former receiver on the San Diego Chargers.

“I went to the Google Web side and punch in Malcom Floyd,” Emmitt said. “It comed up that Malcom Floyd was a bad player when it come to fantastic football. He always tease fantastic football player with his talent, but he disappointment. Very disappointment.”

We thought Emmitt might actually be on to something. After all, Floyd had been drafted highly in fantasy football for years because people saw potential in him as Philip Rivers’ No. 1 receiver in the wake of Vincent Jackson’s departure. Unfortunately, Floyd proved to be nothing more than waiver-wire fodder. Could a repeatedly scorned fantasy football perpetrator be the culprit?

We didn’t have to speculate for very long because Floyd awakened to everyone’s surprise. We all assumed he died, so what happened?

“I touch this guy forth head and check for impulse, but I do not hear it,” Emmitt admitted. “Maybe this not the right place to check for impulse.”

Floyd recounted what happened. He was taking a pleasant stroll down the street when a car came from out of nowhere and hit him. The driver seemed to be looking down and didn’t even notice that he collided with the former San Diego wideout. The car then sped off. Luckily, Floyd was able to catch the license plate before closing his eyes.

The police ran the license plate that Floyd gave to Emmitt, and they found a match: The vehicle in question belonged to Nate Burleson, another former NFL receiver. Emmitt and the other authorities raced over to Burleson’s house and crashed down his door. They found Burleson weeping in the corner, stuffing slices of pizza into his mouth.

“NOM NOM NOM, ME SO SORRY!” Burleson wailed. “ME DROP SLICE OF PIZZA IN CAR AND PIZZA FALL OUT WINDOW AND ME NO CAN EAT NOW, NOM NOM NOM!” Burleson suddenly noticed that there were people standing in his residence.

“GO AWAY, ME EAT PIZZA NOW AND CRY BECAUSE I LOST PIZZA IN CAR NOM NOM NOM.”

The police handcuffed Burleson and told him he was arrested for a hit-and-run involving Floyd. Burleson was completely taken aback by this news, but he seemed more concerned that he wouldn’t be able to eat pizza while sitting in jail.