Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

CONSPIRACY HAS COMMISSIONER OUTRAGED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 13, 2016

And here we thought Colt McCoy was just injury-prone.

As you may know by now, Steelers linebacker James Harrison crushed the Cleveland quarterback’s ribs with a war hammer during Sunday’s contest. To his chagrin, Harrison was whistled for a 15-yard penalty because it was a late hit.

“Good sir, there was no way that was a late hit,” Harrison was overheard yelling at the ref who threw the yellow flag. “That was perfectly clean, and if I may remark, you are doing a uninspired job officiating this football match.”

Harrison was suspended for one game, but that wasn’t the major story to come out of this development. McCoy, who couldn’t even breathe because Harrison’s war hammer struck him so violently in the rib area, wasn’t even evaluated by the medical staff. Head coach Pat Shurmur told McCoy to take the field.

“I don’t want any f***ing pansies on my team,” Shurmur growled after the game. “Breathing is not important. Winning football games is important, even meaningless ones when you’re out of playoff contention. Ha! And now I’m hearing that Colt’s dad is once again criticizing me for not sitting his son. Well, his son is a f***ing p***y.”

McCoy was hospitalized afterward and kept in the ICU overnight. Shurmur announced that McCoy will likely start next week’s contest.

“If that piece-of-s*** loser doesn’t play, I’m going to call James Harrison and his awesome war hammer into the hospital to teach that chicken wuss a lesson,” Shurmur said.

Shurmur may have to contact Harrison’s boss, however. News broke Monday evening that Harrison was actually paid off to slam a war hammer into McCoy’s ribs. According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, former receiver Sam Hurd was the one pulling the strings.

Hurd, who sucked so much in the NFL that he had to allegedly resort to selling cocaine and marijuana for a living, reportedly paid Harrison $20 million and five kilos of cat urine.

But why? We’re all miffed. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, meanwhile, is understandably furious.

“I was in the middle of having someone paint a portrait of myself when I got the call,” Goodell fumed. “Why would one of the worst receivers in NFL history want McCoy destroyed by a war hammer? Ugh. Now I’m stressing so much that I’m breaking out. My self-portrait is going to look hideous!”

Goodell told the media that he’s going to take every necessary step to get to the bottom of this. And by every step, he meant one step, as in calling the Skittle Warriors.

“I brought these guys in for a reason,” Goodell said. “They’re on NFL payroll to fight crime so that I may spend valuable time enjoying my own awesomeness. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must undress so the artist may finish painting my two-foot manhood. That’s right.”

We should have word on what the Skittle Warriors discover in this case in the near future. Stay tuned for now.