Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS’ SECRET WEAPON

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 1, 2015

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and the structure of the Dallas Cowboys season. Every year is the same for the Cowboys. They struggle early on, prompting rumors to circulate regarding Wade Phillips’ job security, and then they go on a roll until they lose early in the playoffs. Jerry Jones must feel like he has amnesia.

However, there is reason for optimism in Dallas this season. The Cowboys, currently 3-0, have beaten their first three opponents by the combined score of 168-0.

“I think we’re doing a good job,” Phillips said.

The reason for Dallas’ sudden success is a secret weapon Phillips unearthed during the offseason. While visiting his home of Turkey Neck Town this past February, Phillips made a discovery one day when he was wandering aimlessly around the village’s mud hole.

“I found somethin’ good,” Phillips said.

That might be the understatement of the year. What Phillips discovered was a golden orb, capable of making great football decisions as quickly as possible. Phillips began using this golden orb as much as possible, and the two quickly became inseparable. Here’s a photo of Phillips and the golden orb during Dallas’ practice on Wednesday.

Wade Phillips Golden Orb

“The yellow ball told me that runnin’ Marion Barber a lot was no good,” Phillips said.

Indeed. In years past, the Cowboys would have stuck to pounding Barber inside the opponents’ 5-yard line. With the golden orb calling the shots, Dallas has become much more unpredictable. As it stands now, the team has a 100-percent red zone efficiency.

In addition to scoring more often, the Cowboys now utilize Tashard Choice and Dez Bryant more frequently. Roy Williams, meanwhile, has completely disappeared.

“I saw no use for Roy Williams, so he has been eliminated,” the golden orb said. “Rest assured, he will never be heard from again.”

As for Sunday’s game at New England, the golden orb had some harsh words to say about his next opponent.

“We will destroy the New England Patriots on Sunday,” the golden orb said. “Their head coach is illiterate, their offensive coordinator is a stalker, and their quarterback is a drunk. I will devise the perfect game plan to annihilate the team and expose them as a fraud that had no business winning the Super Bowl last year.”

Emmitt expressed no concern regarding the golden orb’s threats.

“I know only one yellow ball that matter, and that is the sunshine,” Emmitt said. “The yellow ball in denial, and denial is not only a river that float in Texas.”

Emmitt questioned the golden orb’s ability to make Phillips into a better coach, hinting that Dallas’ 3-0 start has been a product of pure luck.

“I know Wade Phillip for a longed time, and believe me, Wade Phillip do not know how to coachesize football very good,” Emmitt said. “Wade Phillip is an old dog, and you can’t teach an old dog new trick or treat.”

While Emmitt basically shrugged off the golden orb’s threats, offensive coordinator Eric Mangini took offense to being called a stalker.

“I’m not a stalker, I got Erin Andrews’ AIM screen name fair and square – her friend gave it to me,” Mangini said. “And then I got her phone number from her phone bill that was laying around her house one day. I saw that she left her house unlocked one afternoon when she went to the beauty salon, so I went inside to lock the house for her, and her phone bill was right there on the kitchen table, so that’s how I have it.”

The golden orb chuckled upon hearing Mangini’s remark.

“This is going to be easier than I thought.”