Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 17

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

COUNTRY CLUB CONFRONTATION CONCLUSION

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Dec. 17, 2018

The shots wouldn’t stop firing. There was an endless cacophony of bangs and booms as the bullets ricocheted off objects around him. Emmitt stared out helplessly at Aldon Smith’s lifeless body. Smith was a likeable character, but he was expendable, so his death was inevitable.

Emmitt prepared for one final hurrah. He’d stand up and charge at the neo-Nazis, using the juke moves from his playing days to avoid the bullets. His plan was to tackle as many neo-Nazis as possible before getting struck down. Perhaps he’d be lucky enough to hit Aaron Hernandez, which would put an end to all of the bloodshed.

He clenched his fists and decided that he’d make his move on three.

“One…”

Why do I has to get evolve into this mess? he thought to himself.

“Two…”

If I has just minded my own businessmen, I would not be kill in a second by all of these bullet bill.

“Five…”

Whoops, I forgetted what comeds after two.

“Th…”

Before Emmitt could finish the word, the shots stopped. He then heard some strange voices in the direction of Hernandez and the neo-Nazis. It took a while to make out what they were saying, but they were finally in complete earshot.

“You folks look sweaty from all of your shooting,” one man said. “Here’s a nice towel to wipe the sweat off.”

“Looks like you have a runny nose,” another pointed out. “Perhaps you’d like to borrow my handkerchief.”

“If you want to take a shower, please use some of my soaps,” a woman pleaded. “I’ve used them recently, but I’m sure it’ll be OK if you wash yourselves with them.”

What in God’s names are goin’ up theres? Emmitt thought, as he looked up and caught a glimpse of what was happening. Hundreds of people with scars, boils and abscesses on their faces were approaching Hernandez and the neo-Nazis. They were all holding various toiletries, extending them toward Hernandez’s group.

The Walkin’ Buc! Emmitt realized. Indeed, the Walking Bucs had reached Gainesville, and they were just in time to save Emmitt’s life.

Hernandez and the neo-Nazis, who were initially too taken aback to do anything, suddenly realized that they were in danger of being exposed to the nasty staph infections.

“Shoot them all down before they infect us!” Hernandez ordered, but to no avail. There were simply too many Walking Bucs. One by one, the neo-Nazis had toiletries shoved into their faces, and they collapsed, with new sores quickly forming on their bodies. Soon enough, they would be Walking Bucs themselves.

Emmitt was thrilled that these abominations had saved his life, but he quickly realized it would be all for naught if he didn’t escape. He ran out of the country club as quickly as he could, though he heard someone charging behind him. He looked back, and it was Hernandez, who somehow eluded the attack of the Walking Bucs.

“All of my men are dead, but if I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!” Hernandez shouted, pointing his revolver toward Emmitt.

A shot rang out, but Emmitt used one of the juke moves to avoid the bullet. However, Hernandez, who was younger and spryer, was closing in. Emmitt wouldn’t be able to evade a second attempt. He said his prayers as he continued to run, but no shot came. In fact, Emmitt no longer heard Hernandez behind him.

Emmitt looked back and instantly felt relieved. Carl Winslow, who brought Emmitt on to this investigation in the first place, was holding Hernandez’s body, half of which was stuffed into his mouth. It took the head of the FBI a couple of minutes, but he eventually swallowed Hernandez whole. Winslow burped, covering his mouth.

“Emmitt, you’ll never realize the discovery I made!” Winslow said excitedly. “I was watching your shootout, and I saw Aaron take a break from shooting to eat some chicken fingers – Brandon Lloyd’s chicken fingers! So I stood back in the distance and waited until he ran away from all of the Walking Bucs, and then I caught him and ate him whole, so I effectively ate Brandon Lloyd’s remaining chicken fingers myself!”

Emmitt, who was overjoyed, hugged Winslow.

“Now, now, no need to thank me because justice has been brought down on the evil-doers,” Winslow said, patting Emmitt on the back. “No one steals chicken fingers from Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts, Denizen of Doritos and Chieftain of Cheetos.”