Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Dec. 4, 2015

Derek Anderson, who once played for the Cleveland Browns and Arizona Cardinals, is known for a drunken tirade he made following a humiliating loss to the San Francisco 49ers on Monday night five years ago.

While Anderson was heavily criticized for how he handled the post-game press conference, his rant was the best thing that could have possibly happened to him. After a year off from football, Anderson and several like-minded individuals founded the Drunk Football Network.

"Hey mannn, sometimmmes you gaa watch football and drank at the sammmme timmme," Anderson said. "Hic! Now evvvrryybody can drank and watch footballll like it wuzzz made taaa be."

Anderson went on to hire Bob Papa, Joe Theismann and Matt Millen as the TV broadcasters.

"We're pleased that Jammal Anderson hired us after the NFL Network fired us," Papa said.

Theismann and Millen both nodded in agreement.

"We are the color commentators of the Drunk Football Network," Millen unnecessarily confirmed. "That means... it means that we commentate on the game, and then... and then people listen to us and they hear what we commentate."

"And that's OK!" Theismann exclaimed out of nowhere. "Matt is really fat and takes up the entire booth, but we're happy to broadcast our thoughts to all the drunks out there."

Now, Anderson is taking it one step further. Anderson has announced that there will be a symposium for all drunk NFL quarterbacks this Sunday. This, unfortunately, includes Patriots starting quarterback Anthony Morelli.

"Haha eh yo, I got mail in mail box haha uhh... and eh yo..." Morelli said. "Uhh... I open letter and wife read for me haha cuz word too big haha uhh... eh yo, then I learn I go invite to sypo... syposomething!"

Morelli wasn't the only Patriot who will be attending this symposium. Defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell also received an invitation.

"I tink I no drank alceeehol but dey say I drank alceeehol," Russell said. "Alceeehol yellow drank but I only drank purple drank, do you tink so?"

Emmitt said he's not pleased that he'll be missing his starting quarterback and defensive coordinator for the team's battle at Pittsburgh.

"When I play football in the National Conference, I never have receive mail in the mailbox for synonym," Emmitt said. "I always want to go to synonym but now we won't have our quarterback and coordination for the Steeler. And you know what Steeler mean. It mean a guy who steel somethin'. The Steeler, in a sentence, have stolened our quarterback and coordination."

Upon hearing Emmitt's concerns, Anderson was furious.

"That's fine," Anderson said. "That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. I take this s*** serious. Real serious. I put my heart and soul into this s***. Nothing's funny to me! Nothing!!!"

Joining Anderson, Morelli and Russell will be Kerry Collins and Joe Namath.

"I hope it'll only be white people there, argh!" Collins exclaimed.

Namath had no comment; he was busy sending pictures of his privates to various ESPN sideline reporters.

PATRIOTS SCORE AN AUTOMATIC VICTORY

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2020 College Football Recruiting Rankings - April 14

2020 NBA Mock Draft - Sept. 27

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Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 13

FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM

PATRIOTS SCORE AN AUTOMATIC VICTORY

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