Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT MEETS DRAGONLORD ROSIE O’DONNELL

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Unknown, Month?, XYZV

Real Emmitt hardly recognized her. He, of course, was familiar with Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell from his world. She was a monstrous behemoth whose mental prowess was degrading at an exponential rate. She was bordering on the edge of lunacy, which was quite dangerous for a woman of her size. The New York Post had reported that the real Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell had accidentally eaten 75 people when she was going on and on about her latest political tirade. No official charges were made, as police happened to be frightened of her.

This Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell, however, was quite different. She had a radiance about her that was almost angelic. She was quite beautiful and slender, and she seemingly had a golden glow that was emanating from her smooth, silky skin. More importantly, she didn’t sport the real Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell trademark vicious scowl.

“Please kneel before Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell,” one of the guards bellowed.

The striped leopard, the single ranger and Eli Manning all knelt, as commanded. Emmitt, on the other hand, stared at the ground, seemingly scouring for something.

“Why art thou not kneeling?” the same guard asked.

“You say Dragonqueen Rosemont O’Donald losted a nail, so I searching for it,” real Emmitt said.

“I said kneel; not nail,” the guard said angrily. “If thou doth not kneel…”

“Let him be,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell said. She rose from her throne and seemingly glided toward real Emmitt and his companions.

“Emmitt, I presume,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell said. “I’ve been waiting for you for quite a long time.”

“Well, thank you, I apricot it,” real Emmitt said, flustered by her beauty and flattered that she thought so highly of him. “But I hope when you wait for real long, you do something fun like watch a book or read a movie.”

“Time flows differently here in the evil realm,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell said. “I’m sure you’ve noticed, but it’s difficult to keep track of time here. That, of course, is because you missed that ‘time and money’ class in your second grade.

“Everything here, in the evil realm, is a byproduct of your imagination and verbal skills, Emmitt. You are effectively a deity here. Unfortunately, this realm has been tainted by darkness when it was created. That’s because Matt Millen and Norv Turner’s turkey neck entered the portal at its inception. Millen has already been defeated, but Norv Turner’s turkey neck is still at large.

“Emmitt,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell continued, hovering slowly toward real Emmitt. “You must defeat Norv Turner’s turkey neck to exit the evil realm. However, once you do, you’ll be confronted by your counterpart, evil Emmitt, who is running amok in your world. You’ll need the Sword of Legendary Sword to defeat him, which you can find in the magical forest. You must do this before your counterpart kills the three sages and re-opens the portal to the dark realm. Once that happens, the debaclation wisps will enter your world and debacle every good person in existence.”

“The Sword of Legendary Sword…” real Emmitt muttered to himself before looking at Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell. “I play with a plastic sword I call the Sword of Legendary Sword when I was a kid children. How can I found the magical frost to get it so I can debeat my countertop?”

“I will mark it on the map your single ranger has,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell has. A red X appeared on the single ranger’s map to his astonishment, as Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell didn’t even touch it. “But remember, you must kill Norv Turner’s turkey neck first; otherwise you won’t be able to pull the Sword of Legendary Sword. Norv Turner’s turkey neck has shrouded the magical forest with dark magic, but it’ll be dispelled if he’s defeated. To do that, you’ll need a goose egg.”

“And where do I found a goose egg?” real Emmitt asked. “Do we go to the supermarket or the egg store?”

“Sadly, there are no supermarkets or egg stores here in the dark realm because you’ve never shopped for yourself, Emmitt,” Dragonlord Rosie O’Donnell said. She continued to glide toward Emmitt, and was now within inches of him.

“There’s one goose egg in the dark realm. And Brett Favre happens to have it.”