Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

ONE CHALLENGE AWAITS PRIOR TO CONFRONTING KIM JONG-UN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, July 22, 2019

The entire group – Emmitt, Ray Rice, Dianna Marie Russini, Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe, the ninja, and Barry Sanders – descended the hidden stairwell in Kim Jong-un’s office quietly. Kim Jong-un was set to deploy his nuclear weapons against America as retaliation for how Tom Brady was treated in DeflateGate, so the element of surprise was crucial. That’s what the ninja said, anyway, which confused Emmitt.

“I thought the four element were fire, water, thunder and wind, but I am very surprise to hear that surprise is the fifth element in the period table of element!”

“Shhhh!” all the others responded, hushing their leader.

When they reached the bottom of the stairwell, they found themselves standing in the very same room that Kim Jong-un recorded his threatening message. However, there was no obvious door or pathway to follow. It’s almost as if Kim Jong-un vanished.

“It’s like it was on TV!” Emmitt exclaimed. “I can’t believe we inside a place that was on TV, and maybe that mean that people are watching us right now! Hi, Emmitt IV the Jr. Sr. the III! Daddy love you!”

Emmitt’s party members hushed him again, with Rice shaking his head in disbelief that his friend could even say something like that.

“Emmitt, there’s no camera,” Rice whispered. “We can’t be on TV if there’s no camera.”

“I know what a camera is,” Emmitt replied. “But what do he have to do with TV? I thought camera was just for taking pictures.”

“Guys, I found something,” Russini interrupted them. She was lifting up a rug and pointing to a hidden trap door. “Kimberly always used to hide his My Little Pony playing cards under the rug in his office, so I thought he may have also stashed something important here.”

Wasting no time, Sanders opened the hatch, and an unbearable heat engulfed them.

“Look like the element of fire is down there instead of the element of surprise,” Emmitt snickered.

The group once again descended the stairwell, and the temperature seemed to rise exponentially with every step. They were sweating profusely by the time they reached the bottom. However, they were all speechless when they saw what they would be confronted with:

Another hologram of Bowser standing on a bridge. Only this one was throwing countless hammers into the air in addition to spewing fireballs.

“Guys, this is the real deal,” the ninja said. “The Bowser you described before was obviously guarding the fake nuclear facility because he wasn’t throwing hammers into the air. This one is legit.”

“What do we do?” Mangini squealed.

Bowser heard the high-pitched squeak and began moving toward them. The entire group froze, save for the ninja, who charged forward.

“I’ll run under him and hit the ax!” he cried. He ran at full speed, expecting Bowser to jump into the air nonsensically, but it never happened. The ninja ran right into Bowser and was flung into the lava beneath the bridge.

“Nooooooooooooo!” someone cried, but it was impossible to tell who it was. Bowser continued to approach the group quickly. They turned around, but noticed that the hatch door closed behind them. They were trapped.

“This is it!” Mangini whined. “OK guys, I admit it, Erin Andrews isn’t really my girlfriend. She won’t even answer my Skype calls even though I’ve been calling her 25 times per day. She called me a “creep,” but I just wanted to tell her that I love her and want to marry her!”

Bowser’s hammers were now inches away from the group, but they stopped. Bowser oddly looked cross-eyed, and then he toppled over into the lava. Standing behind him was a familiar face. Emmitt recognized him instantly, as he just saw him a week ago.

It was Jay Cutler.

Though the group didn’t see it, Cutler was standing behind the real Bowser and fired a laser pass into Bowser’s head. Cutler greeted his friend, smiling.

“I told you I’d pay you back for saving me from my evil wife, Emmitt,” he beamed.

Emmitt and Cutler began to exchange pleasantries, but Russini quickly put an end to that.

“Guys, we can talk later,” she said. “But we need to stop Kim Jong-un from bombing America.”