Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT HAS FIRST MEETING WITH PATRIOTS COACHING STAFF

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Oct. 2, 2020

Emmitt took over as the Patriots’ new owner earlier this week, so the media naturally asked him what he thought of his coaching staff.

“I know the wizard guy usually have a staff, but I do not knowed the coach got a staff too as well,” Emmitt admitted.

When Emmitt was asked specifically what he thought of his coaches – the word “staff” excluded this time – he just shrugged his shoulders.

“I do not even knowed the name of any coach on the New Zealand Patriot,” Emmitt revealed. “I belief I use to be head coach of the Patriot, but I do not even knowed who coaching him right now.”

Emmitt was indeed head coach of the Patriots in the wake of Spygate II. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, as punishment, forced the team to hire Emmitt as their coach to replace Bill Belichick, but the apparent punishment backfired, as the Emmitt-led Patriots reached three Super Bowls, winning two and tying another. Emmitt, however, retired following the 2015 campaign to help save the world on numerous occasions. He stopped a zombie apocalypse, defused the North Korean nuclear situation and defeated an evil version of himself from a parallel universe.

The Patriots, meanwhile, have not fared nearly as well. JaMarcus Russell took over as head coach in the wake of Emmitt’s retirement, but lasted three seasons. The Patriots did well under Russell at first, but he stopped showing up to games after a while, later admitting that he didn’t know he was coaching New England in the first place.

Bill Belichick’s son, Clive Belichick, took over after that. Clive, like his father, was fond of video equipment. Former owner Bob Kraft warned Clive about getting into trouble with another Spygate-type controversy, but Clive promised his boss that he was not videotaping other teams.

Clive didn’t lie. Authorities found that Clive was secretly videotaping cheerleaders when they were changing in the dressing room. He was promptly arrested last offseason.

Given that the Patriots were the only team in the NFL that didn’t move to Los Angeles – besides the Raiders, who are in Las Vegas for some reason – they had trouble finding a new head coach. In fact, the only guy who wanted the job was Josh McDaniels.

“I was going to leverage this job into another job, and then screw some people over, but I was too lazy to follow through beyond Step 1 of my plan,” McDaniels admitted.

Emmitt arrived at the coaches’ meeting on time and greeted McDaniels, who was once his offensive coordinator.

“Hello, Daniel McDonalds, it are a pleasure to meet you for the first time again,” Emmitt said, extending his hand. McDaniels didn’t take it.

“Emmitt, I am a head coach now, and that means I am above handshakes,” McDaniels said. “I’ve asked everyone to bow to me, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to because you’re my boss, but I will remember your reluctance once I have a higher position than you, and then I will destroy you.”

“Why do you mention reluctance?” Emmitt asked. “Are he the brother of Andrew Luctance?”

Emmitt then approached his offensive coordinator, who happened to be his former quarterback, Anthony Morelli.

“Haha eh yo I member you guy, you guy tell me what to do all time I member, you member, I member haha eh yo,” Morelli said. Unlike the head coach and offensive coordinator, the defensive coordinator was someone Emmitt never met before. His name was Grizzle McGrizzleton, a grizzled football coach who was always in a bad mood.

“Err, football, err,” McGrizzleton sneered.

“Accuse me, please?” Emmitt asked.

“Football players gotta play hard, err,” McGrizzleton growled.

Emmitt stepped away to avoid McGrizzleton’s rancid breath and addressed everyone.

“Guy and girl even though there are no girl, it are a pleasurement to be your ownership even though when they name me ownership, I do not get a ship,” Emmitt said. “We gonna win the Super Game this month and then we gonna be the best team in the National League of Conferences!”

Unfortunately, no one else shared Emmitt’s enthusiasm. Probably because they didn’t understand what he meant.