Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

EMMITT MEETS FAMILIAR MAN IN STRANGE PLACE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, July 13, 2019

Emmitt’s first attempt to fly to North Korea was not successful. He mixed up North Korea with North Carolina and arrived at the incorrect destination as a result. Emmitt was more confident when he stepped out of the airport right after retrieving his luggage.

“Ah, the city of North Korea,” Emmitt said aloud, drawing some confused looks from those around him. “Now, time to find Kim Johnson to end this madnessed about trying to blowed up the great country of the United States of American.”

Emmitt approached several people who were waiting for taxis. When he asked them how to get to “Kim Johnson’s house,” they either gave him confused looks or backed away, almost as if they were scared that Emmitt was trying to rob them, or something.

Unfazed, Emmitt asked a man in a suit the same question. This person was much more helpful.

“Do you mean Kim Jong-un?” the man asked.

“Yes, that is the guy I have to stop from blowinged… bloweding… blowed… blow… up the United States of American,” Emmitt replied.

The man chuckled. “Son, you’re in the wrong place. You want to be in North Korea. Not North Dakota.”

Emmitt walked away, slapping his forehead.

“How am I ever going to arrive in the right place if all these city have the word ‘North’ inside themself!?” Emmitt complained aloud.

Emmitt decided that he had to sit down, collect his thoughts and formulate a plan for finally reaching the correct destination. He spotted a bench and approached it. There was another man on it, and Emmitt quickly realized that he knew this guy from somewhere, but couldn’t quite recall who he was.

The man didn’t even acknowledge Emmitt as he approached him; he just stared into space directly in front of him. He also looked incredibly sad, almost as if he had just learned that his entire family had died in a horrible car accident. Just being around him made Emmitt feel like he had lost all hope – that he would never reach North Korea and foil Kim Jong-un’s plan to retaliate for Tom Brady’s legacy being tarnished by Deflategate.

Emmitt sat next to this man for a couple of minutes, but decided that he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to cheer this guy up and ask him why he recognized him.

“Hey, why you so sadness?” he asked the man.

“I dunno,” the man replied, his expression remaining the same.

“Why you do not know why you sadness?” Emmitt asked, pressing the issue.

“I dunno, don’t care.”

“Well if you not gonna tell me why you very sadness, at least tell me your name because you look like someone I knowed in a previous lifetype.”

“I’m Jay Cutler, former quarterback of the Chicago Bears,” the man revealed, finally turning toward Emmitt, though his solemn expression unwavered.

“Jay Cutlet, I knew I recognizement you from somewhere!”

“That’s an ‘R’ in my name; not a ‘T,”” Cutler corrected Emmitt.

“Sorry, Jay Curler,” Emmitt said. Cutler didn’t fix the pronunciation the second time, probably because he didn’t have the energy. “So, why you sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere in the city of North Dakota?”

“I dunno,” Cutler answered. “My wife told me to wait here.”

“She must be a lovely lady,” Emmitt said. “I would actually love to meet the Mrs. Curler.”

“NO!” Cutler shouted, surprising both Emmitt and himself. He sat back down quickly and reverted to his nonchalant demeanor. “No, it’s OK, I’m sure you have better things to do, and I’m busy, and she’s going to have the in-laws over, and I have to paint the fence…”

Cutler’s excuses ended right there, as he noticed that an attractive blonde woman approaching him. He quickly took out an index card and a pen from his pocket and scribbled something down, handing it to Emmitt.

“Please,” Cutler said, getting off the bench and approaching the woman.

“Thank you?” a confused Emmitt responded. He glanced down on the index card and was surprised to see what the former quarterback had written:

Save me from my evil wife