The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, July 13, 2019
Emmitt's first attempt to fly to North Korea was not successful. He mixed up North Korea with North Carolina and arrived at the incorrect destination as a result. Emmitt was more confident when he stepped out of the airport right after retrieving his luggage.
"Ah, the city of North Korea," Emmitt said aloud, drawing some confused looks from those around him. "Now, time to find Kim Johnson to end this madnessed about trying to blowed up the great country of the United States of American."
Emmitt approached several people who were waiting for taxis. When he asked them how to get to "Kim Johnson's house," they either gave him confused looks or backed away, almost as if they were scared that Emmitt was trying to rob them, or something.
Unfazed, Emmitt asked a man in a suit the same question. This person was much more helpful.
"Do you mean Kim Jong-un?" the man asked.
"Yes, that is the guy I have to stop from blowinged... bloweding... blowed... blow... up the United States of American," Emmitt replied.
The man chuckled. "Son, you're in the wrong place. You want to be in North Korea. Not North Dakota."
Emmitt walked away, slapping his forehead.
"How am I ever going to arrive in the right place if all these city have the word 'North' inside themself!?" Emmitt complained aloud.
Emmitt decided that he had to sit down, collect his thoughts and formulate a plan for finally reaching the correct destination. He spotted a bench and approached it. There was another man on it, and Emmitt quickly realized that he knew this guy from somewhere, but couldn't quite recall who he was.
The man didn't even acknowledge Emmitt as he approached him; he just stared into space directly in front of him. He also looked incredibly sad, almost as if he had just learned that his entire family had died in a horrible car accident. Just being around him made Emmitt feel like he had lost all hope - that he would never reach North Korea and foil Kim Jong-un's plan to retaliate for Tom Brady's legacy being tarnished by Deflategate.
Emmitt sat next to this man for a couple of minutes, but decided that he couldn't take it anymore. He had to cheer this guy up and ask him why he recognized him.
"Hey, why you so sadness?" he asked the man.
"I dunno," the man replied, his expression remaining the same.
"Why you do not know why you sadness?" Emmitt asked, pressing the issue.
"I dunno, don't care."
"Well if you not gonna tell me why you very sadness, at least tell me your name because you look like someone I knowed in a previous lifetype."
"I'm Jay Cutler, former quarterback of the Chicago Bears," the man revealed, finally turning toward Emmitt, though his solemn expression unwavered.
"Jay Cutlet, I knew I recognizement you from somewhere!"
"That's an 'R' in my name; not a 'T,"" Cutler corrected Emmitt.
"Sorry, Jay Curler," Emmitt said. Cutler didn't fix the pronunciation the second time, probably because he didn't have the energy. "So, why you sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere in the city of North Dakota?"
"I dunno," Cutler answered. "My wife told me to wait here."
"She must be a lovely lady," Emmitt said. "I would actually love to meet the Mrs. Curler."
"NO!" Cutler shouted, surprising both Emmitt and himself. He sat back down quickly and reverted to his nonchalant demeanor. "No, it's OK, I'm sure you have better things to do, and I'm busy, and she's going to have the in-laws over, and I have to paint the fence..."
Cutler's excuses ended right there, as he noticed that an attractive blonde woman approaching him. He quickly took out an index card and a pen from his pocket and scribbled something down, handing it to Emmitt.
"Please," Cutler said, getting off the bench and approaching the woman.
"Thank you?" a confused Emmitt responded. He glanced down on the index card and was surprised to see what the former quarterback had written:
Save me from my evil wife
EMMITT SAVES JAY CUTLER WITH SOME HELP
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 14, 2019
Emmitt rushed into a cab mere seconds after Jay Cutler departed with his wife.
"Follow that man, Jay Curler!" he yelled to the taxi driver. "I need to save his lives!"
Emmitt reread the index card to make sure that he didn't miss anything. He half-expected it to have a different message on it, but the six words remained the same.
Save me from my evil wife
Emmitt flipped out his phone. He knew exactly whom to call. This friend would help solve this problem. He dialed his number and smiled right after explaining the situation. His friend had promised to come through.
"OK, I will meet you there," Emmitt told his friend, ending the call. He then looked into the rear-view mirror to address the cabbie.
"I need to go to the air-o-port!" Emmitt announced.
"Sir, we're already at the airport," the taxi driver replied. "I thought you wanted me to follow that Curler fellow."
"Ah yes," Emmitt answered, realizing he was wrong. "We need to find out where Jay Curler is staying and then we need to go back to the air-o-port to meet my friend."
Emmitt successfully followed Cutler and his wife to the Hotel Donaldson. As the cab circled around the establishment, Emmitt admired the historic building.
"Jay Curler say he have an evil wife, but she sure have good taste in hotel," Emmitt said to himself. "But the person who have the bestest taste in hotel is the guy who find a hotel he can eat for dinner - because he can taste it!"
The taxi took Emmitt back to the airport. Upon arrival, Emmitt posed a peculiar question to the cab driver.
"I'm meeting my friend here at the air-o-port, but he not arriving until tomorrow, which is the day after today, I think, so where do you think I can spent the night?" Emmitt asked.
The cabbie gave Emmitt a very quizzical look.
"You know that we just were a hotel, right?" he asked.
"Ah yes, I forgetted already," Emmitt said, slapping his head. "OK, let's go back to the Hotel Davidson!"
Emmitt spent the night and then took another taxi to the airport. Before long, his friend's flight had arrived.
"Ray Rice, it has been so long!" Emmitt exclaimed, hugging his friend.
"It hasn't been that long, Emmitt," Rice said, embracing the hug. "We just saved the world from the Walking Bucs a few months ago. But I'm glad to help in any way I can. You said that Jay Cutler's wife is evil and needs to be stopped? I can beat her up for sure, but won't I get into trouble again? Don't you remember that horrible incident in the elevator?"
"Yes, I remember all too wells," Emmitt said. "You hit your wife, but she do not deserved it. But it is OK to hit woman if she's evil monster."
Rice nodded, understanding. The two men traveled back to the Hotel Donaldson. They wasted no time rushing up to Cutler's room. Rice prepared to kick the door down, but Emmitt brandished his trusty lock pick.
"Some guy say I am the master of unlocking, so we can use this lock pick ax," Emmitt said.
The two men snuck into the room and were both appalled at what they saw. Cutler's wife, Kristin Cavallari, stood over her husband and appeared to be sucking something out of him. No, nothing sexual; in fact, it was quite the opposite. It appeared to be light emanating from Cutler - perhaps his soul.
As they approached her, they noticed that she didn't look quite right. Her skin was purple and scaly, and her eyes were glowing red. She even had horns growing out of her head.
"Tee-hee-hee, give me more of your soul, Jay!" the Cavallari demon squealed. "You will care less and less until there is nothing left inside of you, tee-hee-hee!"
The Cavallari demon espied Emmitt and Rice, but laughed at their presence.
"Tee-hee-hee, I will suck the souls out of you next, and soon I will have all of the souls, tee-hee-hee!" the Cavallari demon bellowed.
Rice, undaunted, curled his fist and launched it into the Cavallari demon's face.
BAM! BOOM! POW!
Just like that, the Cavallari demon collapsed.
"How can this happen!?" the Cavallari demon cried in agony. "I am immune to men! What kind of monster are you!"
"You're the monster," Rice corrected her. "And my fists of fury are powerful enough to pummel any female."
The Cavallari demon's head tilted to the side, her life completely draining out of her. As this happened, a ball of light came bursting out of her body, flying right for Cutler. It entered Cutler's eyeballs, and the hopeless man suddenly came alive.
"Wow, I'm back!" Cutler exclaimed. "That succubus has been draining my soul all of these years, but she's finally finished! Thanks, Emmitt, I knew you would save me!"
"No need to thank myselves," Emmitt said. "My friend Ray Rice is the guy who got the job doned."
"Nevertheless, I owe you my life," Cutler said. "I'll find a way to repay you somehow, but for now, I want to go outside and enjoy the sun for the first time in years!"
Cutler galloped out of the room, leaving behind Emmitt and Rice.
"Emmitt, you were saying that you're having trouble getting to North Korea?" Rice asked.
"Yes, this very elude me," Emmitt replied. "I cannot for the lives of me find this city."
"I can help," Rice said, placing his hand on Emmitt's shoulder. "In fact, I'll fly you there myself."