Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT BRACES FOR THE BEAR’S ARRIVAL

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

It wasn’t clear when the giant bear would be arriving, but that was the inevitable outcome. Wendi Nix, after all, stared into her Calgary Flames jersey and foresaw what would happen.

“The Giant Bear and his followers will be here soon,” Nix warned. “After looking into the flames and seeing him, I have the sudden urge to rhyme, so I must say that this could occur at noon.”

“Wednesday New York Knicks, I real confusion right now,” Emmitt replied. “I took rhyme class when I wented to the Florida State College of University, and my professionor never tolded us that ‘soon’ and ‘noon’ rhyme because they begin with a different alphabet in their name.”

Nix shrugged as Emmitt Snow Jr. entered the room. He was holding a hot dog with mustard on it. He looked at Nix for some reassurance that everything would be OK, but she just shook her head. She was right; Emmitt Snow Jr. would not be the same after his revival. Emmitt didn’t know if he could ever grow accustom to seeing his bastard son eat a hot dog with mustard instead of ketchup. Emmitt wondered for a second if he should’ve revived Emmitt Snow Jr. at all, but he shook off the thought. He loved his bastard son, no matter what condiment he preferred, and they needed to fight the giant bear anyway.

“Father, something’s wrong with DeAndre Baker,” Emmitt Snow Jr. said. “Come quickly.”

Emmitt followed his bastard son to ESPN’s guest quarters, where Baker was lying in bed. There was a harp on the dresser, which Baker addressed when he saw Emmitt stare at it.

“I stole that from Jemele Hill as she was being taken into the ambulance,” Baker explained. “But no matter, Emmitt, I think I have caught the lethal virus from Gretchen Umbridge. Do you know what this means, Emmitt? Do you know what this means?”

Emmitt shrugged his shoulders.

“Do it mean that you have the leopard virus from the Umbrella girl?” Emmitt asked.

“No, Emmitt, it means that because Gretchen Umbridge had the virus, she will be classified as a virus-related death, and that will only inflate the numbers,” Baker gasped. “If a high-profile person like her is known to die from the virus, it only means that social distancing will be reinforced, and that means fewer people will be out on the streets. Do you know what that means, Emmitt? Do you know what that means?”

Emmitt shrugged his shoulders once more.

“If fewester people on the street, it probably mean there are gonna be lest people on the street,” Emmitt guessed.

“No-, well, yes, I suppose,” Baker whispered. “But it also means that Quinton and I won’t be able to steal as many things from people, so we won’t be able to honor President Shinra’s death.”

“Did someone say President Shinra?” ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann asked, entering the room. It’s unclear why Olbermann was even there. He didn’t work for ESPN anymore. He didn’t work for anyone because no one likes him, and he has no friends. Not even his own mother wants to be friends with him.

“I stand with President Shrina as the latest black man to be killed by a white police officer,” Olbermann snarled. “If you don’t stand with Shinra by peacefully stealing stuff from stores and peacefully attacking random people on the street, then you are a big, old, dirty bigot!”

Baker tried to explain that President Shinra was a white man who was killed by a black police officer, but he quickly realized that this would be a lost cause, for Olbermann was too stupid to accept the truth and understand logical thinking. He simply nodded, which appeased the former ESPN host.

Emmitt followed Olbermann into the hallway, but wanted nothing to do with the disgusting individual. He ventured back to Nix’s chambers to see if she had an update on the giant bear’s arrival. Emmitt found Andy Reid in there, attempting to ask Nix out on a date.

“So, red woman, hem hem… uhh… hem hem… umm… hem hem… want to go to Five Guys and watch me eat 906 cheeseburgers hem hem… uhh… hem hem… time’s yours,” Reid mumbled.

“Emmitt, I’m glad to see you again,” Nix said, using Emmitt’s arrival as an excuse to get away from the Kansas City head coach. “I have some news about the giant bear.”