Emmitt on the Brink – Season 7: Week 3

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE ENGLAND

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2019

Emmitt made sure to call Robert Kraft at the break of dawn. We were able to receive a transcript of the conversation, thanks to our impeccable sources here at the NFL Bible Network.

Kraft: Ugh… hello?

Emmitt: Mr. Krass, this Emmitt, the guy who work for you for a long time.

Kraft: Emmitt? Why are you calling in the middle of the night?

Emmitt: It is not middle of the night or end of night either. It’s beginning of the morning. The sun comed into the sky.

Kraft: It’s not morning. It’s pitch black outside!

Emmitt: How is this possibles? I’m lookin’ right up at the sun right now.

Kraft: It’s 3 a.m., Emmitt. Where the hell are you that it’s sunny?

Emmitt: I’m in the city of England.

Kraft: Oh, that would explain it. It’s a time-zone difference, Emmitt.

Emmitt: Time zone? I was no aware that time have zone! How many zone do time have!?

Kraft: It’s… ugh… never mind… what do you need, Emmitt?

Emmitt: We need airplane to come drive us to the United States of American. There is zombie in England. The city soon gonna be crawlin’ with the Walkin’ Buc.

Kraft: The Walking Bucs!? In England!? I’ll board my private jet immediately and come pick you up!

Sure enough, Kraft’s jet arrived hours later. Emmitt, Ray Rice and Josh Gordon boarded quickly and were shocked to found Kraft tied to a chair. A woman in a bikini was feeding him Arby’s sandwiches.

“Emmitt and friends, welcome to my pleasure craft,” Kraft said. “Please do not help yourselves to some of my Arby’s sandwiches because they are all for me. You can be seated, and I’ll join you once I’m finished with Laura over here.”

“My name is Carol!” the woman snarled.

“Yeah, yeah, just keep feeding me sandwiches, babe,” Kraft replied.

Emmitt and his new friends waited for what seemed like an eternity. Emmitt was content with being patient, but Rice wasn’t handling it nearly as well. He began pacing back and forth and finally snapped.

“How long is that fat slob going to keep us waiting!?” Rice whined. “If this man wasn’t nice enough to give us a plane ride, I’d storm in there and punch that hoe in the mouth, and then I’d drag her to the front of the plane!”

“Calm down, Ray,” Gordon said. “It’s not like he can have infinite Arby’s sandwiches on this plane. He has to run out sooner or later.”

Rice shot Gordon an evil look, and was about to say something before Emmitt interjected.

“Guys, Mr. Krass have infinity sandwiches on this plane because he have Arby’s machine that make him a sandwich anytime he want to, but soon the Hour of Soda Reflection gonna be comin’, and this when Mr. Krass take hour break from eating sandwich and reflection on the sandwich he eated while drinkin’ some soda.”

Sure enough, the Hour of Soda Reflection arrived, and Kraft emerged from the back of the plane. He asked for a detailed recap of what transpired in England, and Emmitt and his friends recounted how they barely escaped Downtown Abbott from zombified automatons who wanted to spread their staph infection by sharing toiletries. Kraft had a horrified expression on his face, but only because he wasn’t able to think about his Arby’s sandwiches during the Hour of Soda Reflection.

“Emmitt, we need to do something about this,” Kraft said once Emmitt finished telling his story. “We need to take action immediately so that I can continue to reflect during the Hour of Soda Reflection.”

Kraft went to the cockpit and informed the pilot that they would be changing course and flying to Arby’s Island, a service depot in the middle of the Atlantic where they serve Arby’s to fat people in dire need of sandwiches during long flights.

The plane turned, but hit some turbulence in the process. It wasn’t bad initially, but the entire aircraft began shaking. Emmitt and his friends returned to their seats and strapped on their seatbelts.

Boom!

The back of the plane exploded. Emmitt turned back and saw the bikini-clad bimbo fly out into the sky. Everyone else clutched their armrests and braced for impact as the plane dived downward.