Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT GETS HIS REVENGE ON TURKEY NECK TOWN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
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The fire stopped burning, and real Emmitt stood at the pyre, unscathed. He was covered in ashes, but appeared to be completely healthy. There was also an egg shell by his feet.

“It’s- it’s- it’s-!” Norv Turner’s turkey neck stuttered.

What Norv Turner’s turkey neck couldn’t bring itself to say was that a giant goose was perched on real Emmitt’s shoulder, gazing at real Emmitt’s enemies menacingly.

“How- how is this possible?” Billy Crystal’s turkey neck asked.

“A goose in the evil realm!?” George Clooney’s turkey neck screamed.

“I don’t understand! I thought they were all extinct long ago!” George W. Bush’s turkey neck yelped.

The turkey necks were stunned, unaware of what to do. They all gazed at real Emmitt and his goose, silence following the initial reactions. Real Emmitt, on the other hand, knew the exact word to say. “Debaclation!” real Emmitt ordered the goose.

The goose looked at real Emmitt and seemed to understand what was commanded of it. Seconds later, it soared into the air.

“Where did it go!?” Wade Phillips’ turkey neck asked. “We can’t look up because of the damn chins, so we have no idea where the hell it is!”

Sure enough, all of the turkey necks were at a disadvantage, especially when the goose flew toward each turkey neck and pecked it to the death. First, George Clooney’s turkey neck fell to its demise.

“No, not George Clooney’s turkey neck!” Dustin Hoffman’s turkey neck cried. “We were supposed to have an overly expensive lunch tomorrow and discuss how we’re better than everyone else because we care more about the unfortunate despite not really doing anything to help them!”

Dustin Hoffman’s turkey neck didn’t have much else to say, as it was the goose’s next victim. One by one, the turkey necks fell to their demise. Some tried running, but to no avail. They couldn’t see where the goose was headed because of their inability to look up. Some hilariously ran right into the goose’s beak.

Suddenly, the only turkey neck who was left was Norv Turner’s.

“Do you expect me to beg!?” Norv Turner’s turkey neck hissed. “Fat chance! I promise you this, Emmitt, you will never defeat the evil version of yourself. He knows your exact moves, so he is invincible to you. I may fall, but you will die when you face your dark self again!”

“Debaclation!” real Emmitt shouted once more.

The goose blazed past real Emmitt and thrust its beak into Norv Turner’s turkey neck. Blood, guts and puss spilled out of it, with numerous orifices exploding open at the same time. Norv Turner’s turkey neck collapsed.

Real Emmitt walked over to the cages to free his friends, just as the satisfied goose flew toward him and landed on his shoulder once again.

“Father of geese!” the striped leopard and the single ranger shouted in unison. They bent the knee together.

Peyton Manning appeared as though he was about to recite one of his advertisements, but understanding the gravity of the situation, he knelt as well.