Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 11, 2014

Players who arrived to the Patriots’ practice facility were sent home Wednesday morning, as someone released laughing gas throughout the complex.

None of the athletes were affected. No one claimed to know anything about it.

“Eh yo, I do not… uhh… know about gas that come from green bottle that I bring to practice and knock over, I mean do not knock over and not bring… Eh yo,” Anthony Morelli said.

Unfortunately, Emmitt inhaled enough of the laughing gas that he had to be sent to the hospital.

The good news is that Emmitt is fine and will coach against the Denver Broncos this weekend. The bad news is that the reporters surrounding Emmitt in the hospital had to endure dozens of horrific jokes from the Patriots head coach.

When asked how Emmitt would be game planning for former Patriots offensive coordinator Brad Childress, Emmitt replied, “A horse walk into a bar, and the bartender ask, why do you have four leg? And why do you have a face that is real long? It is so long, I do not even understand how to describe how long it is.”

When asked how the trip back from North Korea would affect his team, Emmitt responded, “Why did the chicken cross the roads? To keep himselves from gettin’ debacled upside the head!”

When asked how he would prepare for Childress’ vaunted two tight end attack, Emmitt replied, “A man walk into a bar and he feel a pain on the forehead. Do you know why? Because he walk into a bar. Not a bar where you drink alcohols, but a real bar that is made out of metal and sometime made out of silver and sometime made out of black.”

At that point, the reporters gave up, but Emmitt kept going.

“Yo momma is so dumb that when she hear that it is chilly outside, she come outside to warm the chilly up because chilly is best serve when it come from a microwave oven,” Emmitt said amid some groans.

“What is black and white and red all over?” Emmitt asked. “This puzzle me. Sometime people say it is a newspaper, but a newspaper do not have the color red unless it have a picture with red on the front page.”

As the media people were packing their bags, Emmitt gave them one more for the road.

“How did Kellen Heller’s parents punish her? They move a couple of pieces of furniture around because Kellen have trouble hearing and sometime seeing. She was confuse. Very confuse.”

Later that night, the effects of the laughing gas wore off. Emmitt issued a statement.

“I hope everyone learn the negative affect the laughing gas can have on individual,” Emmitt said. “Laughing gas is no laughing matters, except for the times you do laugh and make up incredible joke.”