Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 1

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT, AS NEW OWNER, ALREADY IN HOT WATER

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Sept. 30, 2020

Emmitt has been owner of the New England Patriots for 24 hours, and he’s already in trouble. Emmitt, who was put in charge in the wake of Robert Kraft’s resignation, will have to answer for what some are calling a blatant act of racism.

It all started when Gillette Stadium custodian Mark Brunell spotted two individuals in a pair of seats. This would have been perfectly normal on an average football Sunday, but this was a Tuesday, and the stadium was closed to the public. Before Brunell could say anything, one of the two men asked him a question.

“Excuse me, janitor, where can we find the bathroom?” the man asked. “We have been sitting here awhile, and I now have the sudden urge to tinkle.”

Brunell was taken aback “Why were they asking to use the bathroom?” he thought. “They aren’t even supposed to be in the stadium!”

“You two gentlemen need to leave now because the stadium is closed,” Brunell said.

One of the two individuals stood up and approached Brunell.

“You can’t tell us what to do!” he snapped. “We are non-paying customers, and we have every right to be here right now, and we also have every right to use your bathrooms whenever we please.”

“If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call security,” Brunell countered. “They will arrest you. Please, don’t make me do this. Just leave now.”

“We’re not going anywhere,” the second individual declared. “We are real-estate moguls awaiting a third party to discuss business. Why we have chosen this location for a meeting when we could have congregated anywhere else is unclear, but that is also irrelevant. We are not going anywhere until our third party arrives. Now, hand over the bathroom key, fiend, or you will regret it.”

Brunell sighed and radioed for security. Minutes later, the two accused trespassers were escorted off the facility.

“You haven’t heard the last of us!” one of them warned. And he turned out to be accurate in that assessment. Hours later, social media was abuzz, as people who have nothing better to do than complain were siding with the two “victims.”

The media reached out to new Patriots owner Emmitt for reaction, and his statement only fueled the social-justice warrior fire.

“This story sound real fish sticky to me,” Emmitt said. “Why do they has to wait in the stadium? Why can’t they has the real estatement meeting in another place? It probably not even real estatement – it probably fake estatement!”

Emmitt was instantly branded a racist.

“How dare he say that about those two victims!” exclaimed one social-justice warrior with rich parents. “Doesn’t he know how oppressed the half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian people are!? If a half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian non-paying customer wants to use your bathroom, you let them – no matter what!!!”

Emmitt was asked if he would close Gillette Stadium for a day so that his employees could learn to be more inclusive.

“No, that are stupidness,” Emmitt said, further angering those with too much time on their hands.