The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS, RAIDERS TO CLASH IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 15, 2015
For the second year in a row, the Patriots and Raiders will battle in the AFC Championship. Both teams coasted to easy victories this weekend. Here's a recap of the two games if you missed them:
Raiders 0, Texans 0 (Texans Forfeit)
Glandor is a sight to watch. Even in warm-ups, he's impressive. Many NFL players have been known to crap their pants after watching Al Davis' 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound lab experiment jog and stretch before a game.
But there were no Texans players watching Glandor warm up. They were nowhere to be found.
"Glandor... is a... great player..." Al Davis said afterward. "Everyone... craps their pants... when they see... Glandor run... a fast 40... I even... crapped my diaper... right now... just thinking... about it..."
The players weren't the only ones who were MIA; the Houston coaching staff was missing as well - all but offensive coordinator Mike Leach.
"I don't know where anyone is," Leach continuously told the officials. "I swear - they're not locked in the broom closet downstairs."
Eventually, Ed Hochuli and his crew made it to this broom closet, which was conspicuously sealed by hundreds of huge metal chains and a giant lock. Using his gigantic muscles, Hochuli ripped the chains into little pieces and forced his way into the closet. Upon entering, he saw six Texans gagged and tied to chairs.
"I told Coach Leach I had an ingrown toenail," Matt Schaub revealed. "Coach told me to come with him. He led me to this closet and knocked me out. That's all I can remember."
When confronted by this, Leach admitted that he locked all six Texans in the broom closet for their own safety, but swore on his own life that he didn't know where the other players and coaches were.
"I spent a lot of time trying to bring down DeMeco [Ryans]," Leach said. "He was a tough one. I had to use my emergency vial of chloroform. Damn him to hell! But once I finished tying DeMeco up, everyone was gone."
With no Texans team present, Hochuli awarded Oakland the victory. Everyone was thrilled, save for Al Davis.
"Glandor... is a... great player... and great players... deserve to play... great games..." the undead owner said. "Plus... I brought... my stopwatch... to time Glandor... in this game..."
A few hours later, news broke that Texans head coach Lane Kiffin would be taking over the head-coaching job at Hofstra University.
"It's always been my dream to be head coach of Hofstra," Kiffin told the media with a tear in his eye. "When I heard that Francis Ford Coppola donated his life earnings to make Hofstra a winning football school, I had to take the job."
Hofstra, a school that didn't even have a football program in the past five years, will be joining the Big East. Their recruiting class is already No. 1 in the country.
"I asked 47 players on the Texans to follow me to Hofstra; it would have been all 53, but I couldn't find the other six," Kiffin revealed. "Sure, all of the guys like Brian Cushing and Owen Daniels have used up their eligibility, but my buddy Ed Oregeron will just give them aliases and stuff. Wait... maybe I shouldn't be saying this out loud. I mean... haha... I was just kidding!"
Patriots 42, Jets 0
None of the talk before this game focused on football. All any analyst wanted to know was how Eric Mangini's date went with Erin Andrews.
"Oh boy golly gosh darn gee whiz," said Steve Mariucci of the NFL Network. "I hope those two kids had a great time oh golly gee whiz darn gosh oh boy."
"Let's just hope for the best," said Howie Long of Fox. "I like to see young couples succeed - almost as much as I like buying Chevys. Hey, if you're looking for a car, go buy a Chevy, and then go to Radio Shack for your new car radio."
"I'm goin' to crack some skulls!" yelled Sterling Sharpe of CBS.
Sideline reporter Chris Myers approached Eric Mangini before the coin toss.
"So, Eric, you must be glad the roof is closed; it'll help your strategy of getting an early lead," Myers said. "And are you going to propose to Erin Andrews? I think I saw you put a ring in your pocket. Tell me if you're going to propose to Erin, and I swear I'll keep it a secret. I won't ruin the moment for you like I did for Ian Johnson."
Mangini scowled and said nothing. In fact, he did nothing the entire game. He didn't call a single play in to Mark Sanchez, refusing to translate any of offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe's play calls. This is what a typical series sounded like for New York:
Shannon: "Figjoig w0g9woigowi reblr bknfdl 39rf909we0hr obb." Sanchez: "What? Can you repeat that?" Shannon: "w9gu shlo8h f#q rg0ghrpbpbdfr ve&evq 3hfq9+8h." Sanchez: "Coach Mangini, can you translate?" Mangini: "No! Stop bothering me!"
The Jets failed to muster a single first down. After the game, Mangini ate a bowl of his mom's macaroni and cheese, and then explained his actions to the reporters.
"Erin never showed up!" Mangini cried. "My mom drove me to the movie theater, but she wasn't there! Then I went to her house, where she said she lived, and it was empty! Then, I went to her aunt's house, and they said they never heard of her! Then, I went back home and signed on AIM. She was online. I asked her why she didn't show up, and it wasn't her! It was Philip Rivers the whole time! He made up a screen name and tricked me! I've been talking to Philip Rivers instead of Erin Andrews for a whole month!"
Rivers only had one word to say:
Meanwhile, Erin Andrews had no comment, but laughed hysterically.
Emmitt, on the other hand, just shook his head and offered some advice for Mangini.
"Eric, you should have knowned better," Emmitt said. "A woman like Erin Andrew is out of your lead. You in the minor leads. Erin Andrew is in the... uhh... lead that have better player than the minor leads, I forget what it is called. But as the wise man say, if you fall of your horse, you better jump back on the horse before the horse trample you with his legs and you die a miserable demise."
Easy for Emmitt to say; he wasn't courted by Philip Rivers' alternate persona for an entire month.