Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 19

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS, RAIDERS TO CLASH IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Jan. 15, 2015

For the second year in a row, the Patriots and Raiders will battle in the AFC Championship. Both teams coasted to easy victories this weekend. Here's a recap of the two games if you missed them:

Raiders 0, Texans 0 (Texans Forfeit)

Glandor is a sight to watch. Even in warm-ups, he's impressive. Many NFL players have been known to crap their pants after watching Al Davis' 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound lab experiment jog and stretch before a game.

But there were no Texans players watching Glandor warm up. They were nowhere to be found.

"Glandor... is a... great player..." Al Davis said afterward. "Everyone... craps their pants... when they see... Glandor run... a fast 40... I even... crapped my diaper... right now... just thinking... about it..."

The players weren't the only ones who were MIA; the Houston coaching staff was missing as well - all but offensive coordinator Mike Leach.

"I don't know where anyone is," Leach continuously told the officials. "I swear - they're not locked in the broom closet downstairs."

Eventually, Ed Hochuli and his crew made it to this broom closet, which was conspicuously sealed by hundreds of huge metal chains and a giant lock. Using his gigantic muscles, Hochuli ripped the chains into little pieces and forced his way into the closet. Upon entering, he saw six Texans gagged and tied to chairs.

"I told Coach Leach I had an ingrown toenail," Matt Schaub revealed. "Coach told me to come with him. He led me to this closet and knocked me out. That's all I can remember."

When confronted by this, Leach admitted that he locked all six Texans in the broom closet for their own safety, but swore on his own life that he didn't know where the other players and coaches were.

"I spent a lot of time trying to bring down DeMeco [Ryans]," Leach said. "He was a tough one. I had to use my emergency vial of chloroform. Damn him to hell! But once I finished tying DeMeco up, everyone was gone."

With no Texans team present, Hochuli awarded Oakland the victory. Everyone was thrilled, save for Al Davis.

"Glandor... is a... great player... and great players... deserve to play... great games..." the undead owner said. "Plus... I brought... my stopwatch... to time Glandor... in this game..."

A few hours later, news broke that Texans head coach Lane Kiffin would be taking over the head-coaching job at Hofstra University.

"It's always been my dream to be head coach of Hofstra," Kiffin told the media with a tear in his eye. "When I heard that Francis Ford Coppola donated his life earnings to make Hofstra a winning football school, I had to take the job."

Hofstra, a school that didn't even have a football program in the past five years, will be joining the Big East. Their recruiting class is already No. 1 in the country.

"I asked 47 players on the Texans to follow me to Hofstra; it would have been all 53, but I couldn't find the other six," Kiffin revealed. "Sure, all of the guys like Brian Cushing and Owen Daniels have used up their eligibility, but my buddy Ed Oregeron will just give them aliases and stuff. Wait... maybe I shouldn't be saying this out loud. I mean... haha... I was just kidding!"

NFL Picks - Jan. 22

2021 NFL Mock Draft - Jan. 20

Fantasy Football Rankings - Jan. 11

2022 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 15

NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 14

2020 College Football Recruiting Rankings - April 14

2020 NBA Mock Draft - Sept. 27

');

Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 19

PATRIOTS, RAIDERS TO CLASH IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH

WalterFootball.com is part of the NESN digital network.