Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 16

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

SKITTLE WARRIORS’ PLAN TO SAVE EMMITT FOILED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2017

Evil Emmitt, mastermind of Bountygate II, must have some incredible technological capabilities because shortly after we published last week’s story about the real Emmitt being introduced to his goateed counterpart, all communication was cut off from his headquarters. This means that the bug we placed on Emmitt was rendered useless.

So, we have no idea what may have happened during the past week. Our hero may have been forced into partaking in some kielbasa man sex with Viceroy Matt Millen. We can only hope that something this horrifying didn’t happen.

Meanwhile, the Skittle Warriors received word that Emmitt was being held captive by the Bountygate II perpetrators. They considered avoiding the situation for a while, but Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, spoke up.

“Eh yo, guy who got kidnap was guy who tolded me where throw ball,” Morelli articulated as best as he could. “Eh, he guy who boss on team. He gave me job, eh yo, now time for me give thanks by saving haha yo… huh?”

JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle and another former co-worker of Emmitt’s, chimed in.

“Guy… I already forgetted his name… gived me chance when nobody elses didn’ted ha,” Russell said. “Now guy I still forgetted names in troubles and we need savinged him, do ya tink so?”

The Skittle Warriors discussed this and decided it was best to consult their boss, the Tropical Skittle.

“Hem, hem… uhh… injuries… uhh… Emmitt… maybe kielbasa man sex… hem, hem…” said the enigmatic Tropical Skittle. “Uhh… hem, hem… I take full responsibility… umm… uhh… changes need to be made… hem, hem… uhh… time’s yours.”

With the Tropical Skittle’s permission, the Skittle Warriors made their way to the University of Florida’s football locker room. The button Norv Turner’s turkey neck pushed last week to open up the secret entrance didn’t work properly, but that didn’t deter the Skittle Warriors from completing their goal.

“YEAAAAHHHH BEAST MODE! BEAST MODE!!! YEAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” shouted Marshawn Lynch, the Green Skittle, ramming his body into the back wall of the locker room. Lynch’s beast-mode blast was successful – the wall crumbled, revealing the spiral staircase heading down into the Bountygate II headquarters.

The Skittle Warriors sprinted down the steps, but were met at the bottom by Millen.

“So, what do we have here?” Millen asked. “Some young stallions trying to break into our headquarters, eh? If so, you’re out of luck. My boss told me that no one is allowed to enter. And no, I will not take kielbasas for bribes.”

That’s when Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle, took one for the team.

“Jeeezzth Chriiitthhh like ohhhh my gaawwd, I’ll like sthleep with you and ride you all night long Mither Millen, Jeezztth Chriitthh.”

This piqued Millen’s interest.

“All night long, you say?” Millen asked, raising his brow. “Well, you sir are not 100-percent USDA Man. In fact, I wouldn’t even call you 10-percent USDA Man. But I’ll make you a deal – I’ll let you pass in a week if you and all three of your 100-percent USDA Man friends have wild kielbasa man sex with me for the next six days.”

Garcia, Lynch, Russell and Morelli all begrudgingly walked away with Millen. However, Eric Berry, the Red Skittle, smartly hid out of sight during the entire exchange. Once everyone was gone, Berry bolted toward the door.

Berry was well on his way to Evil Emmitt’s office when Turner stepped into his path.

“You’ll need to turn back now,” Turner’s turkey neck said, staring Berry down menacingly.

“Step aside Norv,” Berry said, firmly standing his ground. “You may have beaten my team soundly when you were head coach of the Chargers, but those days are over!”

“I’d think twice about that, nyegh,” Turner’s turkey neck sneered. Turner then revealed an object he was holding behind his back the entire time. He opened his palm, revealing it to Berry, who stood there in complete horror. Absolute fear occupied every bone of Berry’s body as he fully comprehended the magnitude of the object he was looking at – a My Little Pony doll.

“AHHHHH HORSES ARE SOOOO SCARRRRYYY AHHHHHH!!!” Berry shrieked, quickly turning and sprinting back toward the entrance. “PPPLLEEEAASSEEE DON’T HURT MEEE WITH THATTT HOORSSSIIEEEEE AHHHHH!!!”

And just like that, it was over. The Skittle Warriors failed. We still don’t know if Emmitt is even OK, and it’s beginning to look like we never will.