Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 5

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

GOVERNORS FACE CRITICISM FOR PANDEMIC ACTIONS

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

The pandemic has been harmful to nearly everyone in the United States. Many have lost their jobs. Domestic violence is spiking. The greatest victims from the virus outbreak, however, are the elderly.

The median age of death from the virus has been 79, which is greater than life expectancy. As a result, many young people have been concerned about their own safety, remaining indoors and wearing masks on the rare occasions in which they have to leave their homes.

The elderly, however, don’t have the luxury of any freedom. They’re trapped in nursing homes, which ordinarily wouldn’t be a problem. However, some claim that government officials have made this a deadly dilemma for old people.

Take New York, for example. Governor Andrew Fredo is being accused of sending those infected with the virus into nursing homes. Fredo denied any wrongdoing when appearing on his brother’s scantly watched television program.

“Eh yo, why does everybody got a problem wit’ me?” Fredo asked his brother. “You got a problem wit’ me? Then I got a problem wit’ you! Why would I do something like dis? Maybe because killing da old people means I don’t have to pay their pensions anymore, but I wouldn’t do dat because of dat reason even though it’s a great convenience from me, ya know what I’m sayin’?”

His brother, Chris, not paying attention to what Andrew was saying, held up a giant cotton swab.

“Hey brother, you’re a real good-lookin’ guy, huh?” Chris asked. “Well, if you’re a real good-lookin’ guy, you won’t mind if I put this cotton swab in your bum hole, huh? I know all about dese cotton swabs because I used dem when I was real sick with the virus, like I was stuck in my basement the entire time, and please ignore the fat biker who said dey saw me outside. It was my evil twin, capiche?”

Now that we know that Andrew Fredo is completely innocent of killing old people – and we also won’t address Chris Fredo exposing himself to people in public while sick – let’s discuss Pennsylvania, where Governor Dog Wolf appointed Ragnar Levine to health secretary. Levine is alleged to putting sick people in his mother’s nursing home while taking his mother out of that very same nursing home.

“How the hell was I supposed to know that surrounding old people with those infected by the virus would kill everyone?” Levine asked. “This is not common sense. No one knew how this virus would impact everyone, especially old people. Perhaps if you had a crystal ball, you could’ve known that old people would die if exposed to the pandemic. So, with that in mind, it was purely a coincidence that I removed Mother from that nursing home. Mother is now living with me, and she even packed my lunch today.”

We can see now that Levine is innocent as well. There’s one more example. Michigan governor Gretchen Umbridge is being accused of sending felons into nursing homes to pummel the elderly to death.

“This is pure nonsense,” Umbridge said with a crazy sparkle in her eyes. “I sent the convicts there, but I ordered them and the elderly to not be within eight inches of one another. Now, let’s get to the matter of small business owners defying my shutdown orders. Deep down, you know you deserve to be punished, don’t you, small business owners?”

As you can see, none of these governors are guilty of elder abuse. Old people have tragically died during the pandemic, but all of these deaths have been proven to be circumstantial. With that in mind, please don’t listen to other news publications that tell you otherwise. You should get all your information here at the NFL Reliable Sources Network, and nowhere else.