Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 14

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT OPENS DOOR TO PARALLEL UNIVERSE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 8, 2016

It was a dark and stormy night in Bristol, Conn. At least that’s how Emmitt described it to us when he stormed into the NFL Bible Network offices, with beads of sweat on his brow. The former New England Patriots’ head coach, and current ESPN analyst, lawyer, psychologist and poet described a series of events that occurred Tuesday night that has us baffled.

Emmitt was in his den, watching an episode of Eating Cereal with the Stars – a reality show that he won two years ago – when he dozed off. He woke up hours later, and everything had changed.

“Everything did a crazy 360,” Emmitt said. “My son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third started cursin’ bad curses at me and have a circle of hair around his face, it called a goat head, I think. Then the milk man who also suddenly have a goat head come and smash the milk bottle on the door on the front of the house. Even the bird in the tree singin’ song of evilness with goat head on the face.”

Emmitt shrugged it off and went into ESPN headquarters, where he espied Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, both donning unusual goatees, rehearsing highlights. It went something like this, according to Emmitt:

Chris Berman: Another touchdown pass for Drew “when he farts, there’s a stinky” Brees!

Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!

Chris Berman: And that touchdown goes to Lance “I want to look at gay porn a little bit” Moore.

Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!

Chris Berman: And now it’s up to Tim Tebow to make a comeback, which means there’s a 100-percent chance the Saints are going to win because Tebow is 0-98 in fourth-quarter comeback attempts!

Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!

The goatees Berman and Jackson were sporting were peculiar to Emmitt. Berman’s references seemed a bit evil, which made Emmitt more suspicious. But Tebow unable to make any fourth-quarter comeback attempts?

“These are impossibles!” Emmitt exclaimed.

Emmitt continued to watch, as an interview with Tebow aired immediately following the highlights of New Orleans’ victory.

“I have the worst teammates in the world, and they were completely at fault yet again,” smirked Tebow, who was also sporting a goatee. “I’d just like to thank my lord and savior Satan for giving me this opportunity to play with such bums.”

Emmitt was so startled that he knocked over a pile of Mike Ditka’s mustache combs. Berman and Jackson finally noticed Emmitt’s presence and seemed to realize that he didn’t belong in this realm because he didn’t have a goatee.

“Get Emmitt ‘Black’ Smith!” Berman shouted.

Emmitt was faster than all of Berman’s goons, but when he reached the woods, he tripped over a goateed squirrel and fell flat on his head. When he came to hours later, everything was back to normal.

“It went back around in a 360 again,” Emmitt said. “All the goat head was gone, birds not singin’ evil song from the tree hands and Tim Tebone makin’ fourth-quarter comeback again.”

Was it all a dream, or did Emmitt really open a door to an evil parallel universe? I guess we’ll never know… wait a second… Tim Tebow just walked into our office, and he has a peculiar goatee on his face…