Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 8

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE GOVERNORS CREATE A MASTER PLAN

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

It didn’t take very long for Goodell Bot 2.0 to upgrade to Goodell Bot 2.1. In fact, the update was complete by the time New York governor Andrew Fredo completed yet another television interview with his brother, Chris.

“Hey, Andrew, you seem like you’re a good-lookin’ guy, so you’ve probably got lots of dates lined up?” Chris Fredo asked his brother in an interview that had nothing to do about news. “Maybe you’d score lots of dates like me if you hit the gym, which I would do now if I weren’t sick from the virus, cough, cough, and if you’re wondering, I got Frankie Stechino and Joey the Rat to take out that fat biker snitch’s kneecaps.”

Andrew Fredo, who said nothing when he was on air, was surprised to see Goodell Bot 2.1 functional when he returned to the chambers.

“I am even more hu-man now that I have made the upgrade,” Goodell Bot 2.1 said. “I no longer have to beep after each sentence, and I can now have multiple favorite colors like some hu-mans. My favorite colors are – randomizing – blue and gray. See, I have multiple favorite colors like hu-mans now.”

“Now, now, let’s not have too many favorite colors,” said Michigan governor Gretchen Umbridge, who had an evil glimmer in her eye despite sporting a wide smile. “In my state, I punish those who have more than two favorite colors. The punishment for this, as well as buying seeds to grow flowers, is rather grave, and most of my constituents have no trouble following my orders. There are a couple, however, who have received rather harsh penalties for this.”

Andrew Fredo shuddered. He realized he had to work with this woman because they were on the same side, but she gave him the creeps. Conversely, Goodell Bot 2.1, who had no emotions, had no concerns about the Michigan governor.

“My previous update was responsible for allowing Emmitt and his son to escape my dungeon-, I mean mancave,” Goodell Bot 2.1 said. “What can be done to rectify this? My current version needs to make amends for Goodell 2.0. Now, I will recline in my chair and take a sip from my carbonated beverage like most hu-mans do.”

“We need to slow them down, perhaps make them sick,” said Pennsylvania health secretary Ragnar Levine, whose fake mustache was on the verge of falling off. “What if we gather up some sick people and have them join Emmitt on his mission?”

“I thought about that, but it won’t work,” Fredo said. “When I did my research on how to infect old people so I wouldn’t have to pay their pensions anymore, I discovered that everything would need to be indoors and in a tight space, like a nursing house room. Emmitt is out and about. As we all know, open space and sunlight slows down the virus, which is why we’re telling everyone to stay indoors.”

“You’re right, my mistake,” Levine said. “I was just about to call my mom to tell her to leave the area, but I guess I don’t have to do that anymore.”

“You’re right, you don’t,” Fredo said. “But we still need a way to get to Emmitt. What about the opposite? What if we get everyone outdoors so we can have our minions do a sneak attack on them?”

“What about a good, old-fashioned riot?” Levine asked. “The problem is, no minorities have been killed by cops recently. That one cop killed President Shinra, but he was white.”

“Does he have to be white?” Umbridge beamed with an evil twinkle in her eye. “Whoever said President Shinra had to be white?”

“Of course!” Levine exclaimed, jumping out of his seat, which finally caused his mustache to fall off his face. “The public never knows anything! We control the news!”

Fredo understood what he must do.

“I’m going to schedule another interview with my brother, and we won’t be talking about giant cotton swabs this time,” Fredo said, standing up. “Don’t you worry, there will be riots within hours.”

Fredo walked out of the room and was happy to do so, if only to get away from the very creepy Gretchen Umbridge.