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2009 was a rough year. Unemployment increased. Tons of houses continued to foreclose. The Jersey Shore was born. Squaresoft ruined its Final Fantasy franchise. Tons of celebrities died. And worst of all, we had to go through an entire NFL season without hearing Emmitt debacle the English language on ESPN. It’s been more than a year now since Emmitt was fired, and things continue to get worse. Hopefully ESPN comes to its senses and re-hires him soon. Maybe they’ll even fix their former best show NFL Primetime while they’re at it. Fortunately, I have enough of Emmitt’s quotes from 2008 saved up to create a third (and hopefully not final) Emmitt Anthology. Enjoy the Emmitt Anthology Volume III, or click here if you’re looking for the Emmitt Anthology Volume I or Emmitt Anthology Volume II. |
 ESPN: Bring back Emmitt Smith. He have more sentence to debaclize! |
I’ve sorted all of these Emmitt quotes categorically, and have included a comment with each one. Enjoy!
The Simple Emmitts
The following Emmitt quotes are comprised of one or two small grammatical errors. Emmitt made so many of these, I considered it a miracle every time he went 10 words without a blunder.
- “The Titans are trying to prove theremselves as the lead AFC contender for that division.” (Commentary: Emmitt must have missed school the day his second-grade teacher explained that “theremselves” is not a real word.)
- “I don’t know. I cannot make those decision.” (Commentary: Can he not make those decision because he can’t put those sentence together?)
- “Since Day 1, you was drafted by these folk here and they do not appreciate what you bringing to the football field.” (Commentary: How dare these folk here not appreciate what he bringing?)
- “This will allow them to make up ground as the season go on.” (Commentary: One of Emmitt’s more grammatically correct sentences. Emmitt should put this one on his resume once he applies to CBS, FOX or the NFL Network.)
- “Jennings make a great catch to get it at its highest point.” (Commentary: Just one more letter, Emmitt, and the sentence is grammatically correct. Come on, Emmitt! You can do it! Just one more letter!)
- “When I look at the Vikings, I see a problem at quarterback position.” (Commentary: I guess the Vikings signed Brett Favre because of Emmitt’s sage advice.)
- “Tony Romo need to become the leader of the Dalla Cowboys.” (Commentary: Emmitt apparently hates putting the letter “s” at the end of most words.)
- “This is the kind of leadership this offense need …(5-second pause)…s.” (Commentary: It only took Emmitt five seconds to realize that there needed to be an “s” at the end of the last word of his sentence. Progress!)
- “Guys was hittin’ hard (on why he retired)” (Commentary: Now, guys is speakin’ bad.)
- “He has the speed to make something happen once he get into the secondary.” (Commentary: One can only wonder if Emmitt can make something happen once he get into the second-grade reading level.)
- “Get the ball to Marion Barber hands.” (Commentary: Screw the apostrophe-S! It’s useless!)
- “And the Broncos just laid an egg. They turned the ball over an ungodly amount of time… times.” (Commentary: Emmitt also makes grammatical errors an ungodly amount of time… times.)
- “Those things are big part of going into the playoff.” (Commentary: Much like articles are a big part of constructing a sentence.)
- “You must learn to conquer your opponent on the road. Until you do that, you will be known as the same old Cardinals – a team that look good but does not play well on the road.” (Commentary: Emmitt must learn how to conjugate his verbs. Until he does that, he will be known as the same old Emmitt – an analyst that look good but does not non-debaclize his words.)
- “Give Marshawn Lynch those 20 carries again because it’s time. It’s time, it’s now. Marshawn Lynch need to step up tonight.” (Commentary: It’s time. It’s time now for ESPN to bring Emmitt back.)
- “You take what the defense give you.” (Commentary: In the end, the letter “s” was Emmitt’s demise at ESPN. Well, that, and about 300 incoherent sentences.)
- “I think you take the time to go through the rest of the season, see how the rest of the season play out.” (Commentary: As opposed to going through the rest of the season and not seeing how the rest of the season play out. Is avoiding this an option?)
- “This is where this offense need to be at.” (Commentary: Unfortunately, Emmitt, this is not where this sentence need to be at. Please try again.)
- “The Dolphins has a very legitimate shot of going to New York and beatin the Jets.” (Commentary: Unfortunately, Emmitt doesn’t has a very legitimate shot of going to Bristol and getting his job back.)
- “When I look at Donovan McNabb, who have had his share of struggles like everyone else in the National Football League…” (Commentary: Emmitt can certainly relate to Donovan McNabb and his share of struggles.)
Emmitt Made a Doo Doo
Believe it or not, but everything Emmitt said the past year wasn’t factually correct. I kid you not!
- “Defense, you have all the veterans over there. You are running this organization and this team.” (Commentary: Hmm… and all along, I thought the owner ran the organization. Shows how much I know!)
- “So to be honest with you, the Broncos was not the right test… Well, actually, it was the perfect test for Matt Cassel tonight.” (Commentary: So, Emmitt is being honest with us, but is contradicting himself mid-sentence? Why am I not surprised?)
- “…And forcing Jason Campbell to beat them… beat them… with the… with your… with his arm.” (Commentary: Seems like Emmitt’s beating himself with the… with your… with his own words.)
- “Ben Roethlisberger NEED a running game so they can extend the play-action.” (Commentary: Ben Roethlisberger apparently is more than one person because “they” need to extend the play-action.)
- “He wears it on his chest and he’s so proud of bein in this National Football League.” (Commentary: As opposed to the other National Football League.)
- “Defenses are gearing things to shut him down in the air and force Michael Turner to win.” (Commentary: Defenses are forcing Michael Turner to win? That’s not a good strategy! Shouldn’t they force him to lose?)
- “Offensive coordinator Turk Sch… Sche… Scherner *Suzy Kolber: “Turk Schonert.”* Turk Schonert.” (Commentary: Emmitt’s lucky Suzy Kolber was there; otherwise, he would have called this guy “Turk Scherner” all night.)
- “This is just an amorition. This won’t happen every week against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.” (Commentary: My Microsoft Word has five suggestions for “amorition:” adoration, admonition, abortion, ammunition and admiration. Sadly, none of them fit.)
- “Parcells has come in and turned down the whole culture.” (Commentary: Parcells turned down the culture? That xenophobic jerk!)
Emmitt is Spelled “E-M-M-I-T-T”
Emmitt tries to sound profound in the following quotes. Unfortunately, he’s saying something either remarkably dumb or incredibly obvious.
- “This team is definitely into trouble. When I think about the New England Patriots right now, they lost back in February in the Super Bowl game. And now they lost their key quarterback in Tom Brady in the first week of the season.” (Commentary: The thing I’m going to miss most about Emmitt is how he downplayed everything. Super Bowl “game.” Tom Brady being a “key” quarterback. Can we petition ESPN to re-hire Emmitt?)
- “I believe the Indianapolis Colts have Peyton Manning still at the quarterback.” (Commentary: Emmitt may not know how to pronounce Turk Schonert’s name, but at least he’s done enough research to know that Peyton Manning is still at “the quarterback.”)
- “Their defense is rated the worst defense in run-stopping defense.” (Commentary: As opposed to the defense being rated the worst defense in run-stopping offense.)
- “If Jake Delhomme don’t mess it up, they can go a long way with it.” (Commentary: Wow. Emmitt actually made a valid prediction. Jake Delhomme “do” mess it up. How can ESPN not rehire Emmitt?)
- “I think defense win championships.” (Commentary: Remember, defense do not win championships. Emmitt only think defense win championships. This is only a theory for now.)
From Emmitt’s What the F— File
I’m not sure what to make of these quotes. Drunks getting tossed out of bars are more coherent than this. If you can decipher what Emmitt was trying to say, you’re either really gifted or really troubled.
- “They do not have a back back there that they can bill their offense from.” (Commentary: Perhaps the offense will be “billed” when they go through a collections agency.)
- “When you have to deal with personalities like Reggie Bush, who is considered not an inside runner but a special kind of runner.” (Commentary: If one running back is an inside runner, and another back is a “special kind” of runner, then they have apparently different personalities, even if they have the same type of personality. Emmitt’s debacled words; not mine.)
- “He’s the guy that give you the strength.” (Commentary: There’s a guy? Why didn’t A-Rod go to him instead of using steroids?)
- “They cannot get on him like he want to.” (Commentary: Sounds like the plot of a gay porno.)
- “Not only did they make plays, they made BIG plays. Big bombs.” (Commentary: They should change the dialogue in Zero Wing: “Not only did someone set us up the bomb, someone set us up the BIG bomb.”)
- “The kid obviously has not earned the rice of passche… passache…” (Commentary: I had to watch this 10 times to figure out how to spell Emmitt’s first version of “passage.”)
- “This is what need to happen right here in New England. You have Super Bowls. You have a Bentley. And you goin’ give it to a kid that cannot drive. That doesn’t make any sense!” (Commentary: Emmitt has never been more correct. What he said doesn’t make any sense.)
- “And now he’s getting pressures from areas where we have not see him get pressures from. So, Peyton Manning need to get the ball out a li-bit quicker.” (Commentary: If you stare long enough at this sentence without getting a seizure, it might make a li-bit of sense.)
- “And even if you was not in the top five, the Pittsburgh Steelers will play tough defense regardless.” (Commentary: Oh, if only I could have seen the look on Emmitt’s face when his teachers tried to explain proper sentence structure to him.)
- “When I think about the Dallas Cowboys, I am completely disappointed. I am so disappointed, I can even have all the words to describe how disappointed I am.” (Commentary: Never has a truer sentence been uttered by anyone on this planet.)
- “It takes more than just heart and brain… and brawns to go out here and win the game. You have to bring your brain to the table.” (Commentary: I’m beginning to think that Emmitt is related to Hannibal Lecter.)
- “The Falcons may run into that wall, as you call a rookie wall. Hey may hit that will. Or he may not.” (Commentary: As long as you’re committing grammatical errors, you might as well acknowledge all possibilities so you don’t look even more foolish.)
- “If Tony Romo gets back there and play like he has over the last three or four weeks, the Cowboys would not make it to the playoff.” (Commentary: qef9oghw09g38f1dfhj. Sorry, some blood came out of my nose while reading that sentence and I had to clean up my keyboard.)
Emmitt’s Greatest Hits
My favorite Emmitt quotes. I had trouble deciding which ones to put here. I love them all.
- “If they are the front-runnerers, tonight it has to stop the losing.” (Commentary: This has to be one of the top 10 most poorly constructed sentences of all time, right? This is bad even for Emmitt.)
- “So tonight, Eli and the Giants got hit with a bunch of emotions from the… from the Cleveland Browns football players.” (Commentary: Damn emotions. The Giants were able to withstand “happy” and “sad,” but when “angry” came at them, they just couldn’t take it anymore.)
- “This team… mentally – 90 percent of this game is mental. And in that 90 percent of the New England Patriots game, they are losing confidence. They’re losing confidence all around.” (Commentary: And we thought Yogi Berra was bad. The lesson here remains, if you say enough words, eventually you’ll be able to construct a semi-coherent thought.)
- “This runnin attack of the Tennessee Titans is really what woke… woke… woke…” (Commentary: Unfortunately, Emmitt wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Steve “I’m Smarter Than You” Young interrupted him.)
- “People don’t understand. When you have a knee injury, whether it’s a scope or whatever it is, there’s something special about having that knee injury that’s not real special.” (Commentary: There’s something special about having that knee injury that’s not real special. Thank God Emmitt’s not a doctor.)
- “These guys have been in a position of winning and leading the division. Now, they playin’ catch up. And ketchup only good on French fries and fish. *Laughs.* It’s just not goin’ happen. It’s just not goin’ happen. It’s just not goin’ happen.” (Commentary: Emmitt made a funny hwa hwa hwa hwa!!!)
- “I trust the man when he say, ‘There may have been a couple players quit.'” (Commentary: Who in the world said “There may have been a couple players quit?” No one debacles the English language that poorly. I think Emmitt’s making stuff up.)
- “This stadium right now has his number, and tonight he has an opportunity to do so.” (Commentary: To do what? I think Emmitt forgot part of that sentence in his hotel room.)
- “How come you this cannot continue on throughout the rest of the season?” (Commentary: Yes, tell us, ESPN. How come Emmitt you this cannot continue on throughout next season?)
- “Now if your offense is as efficient has it that is has been why won’t you do this more?” (Commentary: This is proof that Emmitt is one of the greatest interviewers in our generation.)
- “But for Clinton Portis, all he has to do is st… remain pass… port… patient Kyle Horton in Chicago…” (Commentary: Really? “St…remain pass… port… patient?” Porky Pig’s not even that bad. And who the hell is Kyle Horton?)
- “Ed Hochuli messed up the Chargers’ career. But not only their career; their season.” (Commentary: Yup. The Chargers’ career is messed up and they’re contemplating retirement. Sorry, San Diego. It’s all over.)
MISSING
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