The Real John Moss – 2012

The Real John Moss – 2012

The Real John Moss: 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2015
This is a compilation of e-mails from the Real John Moss that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.

I used to post conversations with the Real John Moss last year. If you don’t recall who he is, he would boast about making tons of money betting against me and using his new-earned cash on parties, drugs and girls.

Here’s an excerpt from Week 6 to give you an idea:

***

Two weeks ago, I showed you the following G-chat messages from someone who called himself “The Real John.” I also made fun of him:

I don’t know what’s more disturbing – the fact that TheRealJohn is “bedding” (a.k.a. having sexy time) with American futbol, or that he actually has “20K” to bet despite the fact that he doesn’t know how to spell “betting” or “Walter” or “sure.”

As I posted last week, The Real John didn’t take too kindly to this. He replied with more incoherent messages:

Some thoughts:

1. Emmitt Smith also went to “top univercity.” It doesn’t mean he can read, write, or even conjugate the noun “debacle.”

2. “20000 isnt nothing 2 me.” The Real John is apparently from a different country, since he referred to the NFL as “american futbol.” I think it’s reasonable to guess that The Real John could be from Zimbabwe. I looked it up, and 30,000 Zimbabwe dollars equals $1 U.S. So, that would mean that The Real John lost 67 cents on one bet. No wonder “20000 isnt nothing 2 me.”

3. Good luck buying my “Websight” by winning 67-cent bets. And I can see very well on the Web, thank you.

4. What’s wrong with eating “ffoods” all the time? I love to eat “ffoods” all the time.

5. I admit, I am “fater” than “Rex Gross Men.” You know why? Because I live in America. If I lived in Zimbabwe, I wouldn’t be “fater” than “Rex Gross Men” because I’d have to eat worms that crawl out of the ground. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The Real John wasn’t done. He claims he had a successful Week 4 because I did poorly. Here’s what he wrote:

We’ve determined that 30K of The Real John’s money is $1, so he won a grand total of $2 this week. No word yet if he plans on buying my “Websight” just yet.

I wonder though… what sort of girls, “champain” and new car can he buy for 60K Zimbabwe dollars?

Here’s the car:

Here’s the “champain”:

And here’s the girl:

Whoa, sexy momma!

***

At any rate, I hadn’t heard from the Real John Moss until February when he messaged me on G-Chat. Here was our conversation:

therealjohnmoss: waltar its looooooong time. i was in jale for to months. i make bad on a bet but is all bettar now.n how is you doing these days??

Me: What were you in jale for?

therealjohnmoss: u making wins on your bet? its fight with women prostitut

Me: What started this fight?

therealjohnmoss: i lose sum games with bedding so i was not having money to pay for the sexes so we fight

Me: What happened during the fight?

therealjohnmoss: she bite my arms i do nothing is crazy but is good now. im back for the march gamboling

Me: Good!

therealjohnmoss: when i win big monies u will be couming to my parties no??

Me: Of course!

therealjohnmoss: good my brozer good. u are god man

Me: That’s mighty praise, but i appreciate it.

therealjohnmoss: iz valentine day are you making sex??

Me: No, not today, unfortunately.

therealjohnmoss: im too exosted. i make sandwitch earlier if u are understanding me

Me: I understand.

therealjohnmoss: yesss delishus 🙂

Me: What kind of sandwich?

therealjohnmoss: a blak girl and aziatic was great

Me: Oh, i thought you meant a sandwich you could eat.

therealjohnmoss: wel yes i make subway to

Me: Good, good.

therealjohnmoss: ham sandwitch

Me: NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

therealjohnmoss: wat wat is a nom

Me: Tasty sound like eat.

therealjohnmoss: how does a tasty sound like a eat im not understnad

Me: The sound u make when eating something fast.

therealjohnmoss: ahh likea mac donald

Me: Yes!

therealjohnmoss: iz very fast

Me: Yes!!

therealjohnmoss: u come on bike dont even go in it very god 5 minutes

therealjohnmoss: ok my dear i now am hungry i will find mac donald

Me: Good, eat a double cheeseburger for me.

therealjohnmoss: i eat dolar menu until i win again

Me: Makes sense.

therealjohnmoss: farwell

Me: Adios.

therealjohnmoss: oh im almost forgeting is pay ton couming to the birds??

Me: Which birds?

therealjohnmoss: the bird men filadelphia. my friend tell me its yes

Me: No, i’m sorry to say, but he is not.

therealjohnmoss: payton to randy moss

Me: That would work in 2007, perhaps.

therealjohnmoss: why 2007 its 2012, 5 year

Me: Or 2006 or 2008, pick your year.

therealjohnmoss: i pcik 2012 for payton and moss for the bird men is great players

Me: Were great players. Peyton maybe still, but Moss sucks.

therealjohnmoss: randy moss has 25 touchdown last year vick all he do is run from police the bird men need payotn

Me: i don’t think Moss had 25 touchdowns last year.

therealjohnmoss: look it up

Me: Will do.

therealjohnmoss: randy is very fasts he won superbowl with brady and made sex with his wifes

Me: They lost in the Super Bowl… but yes they made sex with many supermodels.

therealjohnmoss: they lost but they won

Me: Touche.

therealjohnmoss: jus like you and me winnars for life

Me: 😉

therealjohnmoss: ok i eat now. thanks u

Me: Have fun!

I have plenty more conversations that I’ve had with the Real John Moss this spring and summer. I’ll be sharing them with you throughout the year.

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. Sometimes my laptop is off, yet the Real John Moss still tries to contact me. For instance, back in February:

And the next day…

The next time I actually spoke to him was during the 2012 NFL Draft:

The Real John Moss always bragged about having lots of girls at his parties. Based on what he said about Matt Kalil, I believe some of those “girls” looked like this:

I don’t think I’ll be attending any of the Real John Moss’ parties anytime soon.

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He’s been messaging me for a while now, but I never knew what his purpose was – until he sent me this e-mail in May:

You know what’s sad is that TheRealJohnMoss.com Web site used to actually work. Now, the server won’t load. It’s such a shame too because it was a glorious site. I really miss it.

It sucks that the Real John Moss for spending too much money on his famous parties to pay for his Web hosting. But can you really blame him? After all, the “handsome men” he invites look like this:

Very handsome indeed.

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. I actually have to apologize for something I wrote last week. I posted a site he created called RealJohnMossFootball.com:

Well, it turns out I had the URL wrong last week (and so did he). It’s https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link here’s his NFL picks analysis this week:

o k guy its WEAK 3!!! by now u r poor like waltar and i am rich with many womenz eat jellybeen in hawayi i am NOT tell u to gambol, this is just my journey to destrooy waltar, my best frend.

BROWN AT RAVANZ

LOL wat name is brown reely? brown things is ALWAY bad. look is simpel…… brown is color of poops. brown banananas < grean banana < yelow benan. brown is worsts. who eating brown rice o k?? no 1 iz. also ur qaurtarback is named bradon weedin. r u read closly???? WEEDin as in mariwanna. look i get it iz delishus but iz NOT 4 play football. he is thrown 12 intrecepshuns this year and iz maybe do 5 againt laderious web. laderious iz like a spider mans that is why u r calling him WEB u c. im sory but brownies but ask EDGAR ALLAN POO my fiend he is die from see ravan and so is brownz. joe flacoo iz like close to flacon an falcons iz relly nice this year i bed on him... BALTIMORE RAVAN -12 (1 UNIT = $10000)

At the bottom, he wrote, “omg i must run…a ladies is call my fone.”

Hmm… what kind of lady would call a guy who just lost 10 grand on one game? Hmm…

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but I did find an old conversation that we had in July:

The Real John Moss: waltar

Me: John Moss!

The Real John Moss: how r u my fiend

Me: I’m good, how about you my fiend?

The Real John Moss: i am not good

Me: Why not!?

The Real John Moss: i go to vegas lose money

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

The Real John Moss: it okay many nice womans 😉

Me: Good!

The Real John Moss: u r still making websight?

Me: Yes.

The Real John Moss: if u need worker i am ur men as u kno i am greatestin footboll

Me: Yes I know that your football knowledge is legendary.

The Real John Moss: panther win super bowl john moss garantee i might make tv comercial

Me: Like Ryan Kalil.

The Real John Moss: who?

Me: Panthers’ center.

The Real John Moss: im not i dont know he is player? cam newton i know he si good player good cookie u kno him?

Me: Yes I know him very well.

The Real John Moss: u r friend

Me: Yes we are best friends.

The Real John Moss: look is simple logik everyting newton good sciencetist – good cookie – god so football = ????? is good of course

Me: Yes, I understand completely.

The Real John Moss: u will learn

Me: Yes.

The Real John Moss: ok worst team – patrioats ur best player is tightend grokowsky he make sex with 16 yo gurl i make sex with 16 yo i go to jail 20 year so u loose best player

Me: Are you sure about that?

The Real John Moss: yes i look up many sixteens chase me i beat tehm away im cant go to jail

Me: That’s a good idea.

The Real John Moss: is on internet police will caatch gronkosky

Me: I hope so!

The Real John Moss: u dont understand? u go kiss 16u go jail 1 month

Me: I know.

The Real John Moss: 1 boob 2 month

Me: Two boob?

The Real John Moss: 5 month its multyiply 10 minutes

Me: What about three boob?

The Real John Moss: it depend is it = size

Me: Ah, makes sense.

The Real John Moss: yes u c

Three boobs? You think I’m joking? Just take a look:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but I did find an old conversation that we had in August:

The Real John Moss: waler

Me: John Moss!

The Real John Moss: vick yooung wass cut is misteak

Me: You wouldn’t have cut him?

The Real John Moss: doont bet seaguls this year

Me: Why not?

The Real John Moss: hes very nice qaurterback u wtch seaguls will loose e16 game

Me: why would the seaguls loose 16 game?

The Real John Moss: they cut vick young is on tv

Me: But Young was on the Bills.

The Real John Moss: wat vick young he plays seaguls fast

Me: Well, you’re the expert with the big Web site now.

The Real John Moss: yes is true i waz tryinrg to help u. u will see philly seaguls will loose w/o vick young

Me: Oh, but the Bills also cut Vick Young.

The Real John Moss: then they r idiot young make misteak with dog but he is gud qb. what is in bufflo anyways i am hope they send them 2 virgina beach

Me: What’s in Virginia Beach?

The Real John Moss: beach i give u lesson waltar. beach = hot gurl. bufflo = whale is ironic becuz whale live in ocean

Me: Well, hot gurls live in the ocean too.

The Real John Moss: hmmmm yes mermade

Me: Oh yeah.

The Real John Moss: u r smart man

Me: But you are being unfair to the girls in Buffalo. They are not all whales.

The Real John Moss: how do u kno

Me: I’ve heard stories about one hot girl being from Buffalo.

The Real John Moss: she is fairy tail i bet u beleave in boogy man too buffflo is cold

Me: I’m good friends with the Boogy Man, actually. He uses my fantasy football advice. He lost in the championship last year.

The Real John Moss: let me ask u 1 thing wat better sweater or bikinini

Me: Bikini, of course, but fat chicks can wear bikinis too.

The Real John Moss: mmmm u make gud point

Me: And plus, like it’s cold in Sweden, but Sweden is known for hot chicks.

The Real John Moss: wat is that alo wat is better fat chick in bikinin or sweater

Me: Fat chick in sweater is better.

The Real John Moss: intresting wow i read ram cut jackson smith is stupid. im grand manager i take gronkoski #2

Me: Who’s No. 1?

The Real John Moss: andrre smith or gurl from bufflo is cointflip

Me: I think you’re being unfair to gurl from Buffalo.

The Real John Moss: fine i draft her 2 cheer for u i will draft bengal cheer leeder for myself

Me: You are very kind, John Moss.

There are some hot chicks in Buffalo, despite what the Real John Moss says. Other ones, however, look like this:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but I was able to find an e-mail he sent me in September. Apparently, I’m not the only one who receives spam e-mails:

I am Mr Chuanli Yusheng , the Vice President and Branch Manager of The Bank of East Asia (China), Huayuanshiqiao,Shanghai Branch. I know you may be wondering why I am contacting you for this despite all the friends and relations that I have but I decided to do this with an unknown person to avoid any form of blackmail in the future.Mr.Alvin Peter Kappelmann Jr was an account holder with my bank branch. I have been his account officer for 11 years before his death. He died during the World Trade Center bombing in September 11 2001.

Since his death, the management of my bank has made series of efforts to locate his family but all efforts were proved abortive. I also carried out series of research to find his family but it was confirmed that the mother who was the only surviving member of the family died at the hearing of the son�s death. He was already divorced before his death and due to this fact; no one was able to claim the fund he deposited in my bank legally because there was no will to it. He had a secret dollar account with my bank worth the sum of $9,300,000.00 (Nine Million, Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

My purpose of contacting you now is this: My bank during the last executive board meeting resolved that if by the end of this year and there is no beneficiary to the said account, the account will be confiscated and the fund sent to the bank treasury and this is where I am interested in and wants you to come in:

I want you to come in as the Next of Kin/Beneficiary to this account. I have all the titled documents to back your claim and as the Vice President and Manager of this branch, it is in my power to carry out any form of verification on the beneficiary of the said fund and process the fund wire without any problem. I want you to know that this is legal, 100% risk free as all the titled documents would be changed to your name as the new beneficiary of the said funds, and the fund wired to any bank account you wish to have it wired to.

Please note we shall share in the ratio of 50% for me, 50% for you. When the fund finally gets to your nominated bank account.

If you are interested, please send me your: Full names ,Age and address. Telephone and fax numbers. Where I can always reach you and also if the bank wants to reach you on phone)Finally, I shall furnish you with more information�s about this operation. Your Prompt response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards
Chuanli Yusheng

The Real John Moss also showed me his reply to Chunali Yusheng:

firsts of alls i am very sory 4 ur loss im 9/11 victum also 1 of my brozers die from crash in Texis 9/11 NEVAR FORGET an good bless troops

to cut to the cheese im VERY intrested in ur proposel. as u kno by now im sure im very sucesful business man an no one wuld suspect anything i am vry well respect in CHINA so konichiwa my brozer

my full names is JOHN MOSS i am live in filadelfia i AM 32 YEAR olds im not own phne but my sister phone numbar (215) 427-XXXX

pleese respond quik as im need money by SUNDAY for the games

beast regard,
john MOSS

Wonder what the Real John Moss’ sister looks like? Luckily, I have an exclusive picture:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but I was able to find a conversation between us from mid-September:

therealjohnmoss: waltar i am send u mail i need ur advice

Me: Real John Moss!

therealjohnmoss: i forwerd i aam becoming very welthy soon. i need tip for american futbol game this weakend

Me: Congratulations!

therealjohnmoss: i make big beds

Me: I bet they’re really comfortable.

therealjohnmoss: wat?? o yes im very comfertable after iam win u r rite

Me: Good.

therealjohnmoss: listin by sending u this mail it is posible CHINA goverment is look for u

Me: Bring them on. Someone bought me a sword for my birthday, so I will slay any Chinaman who comes to my house.

therealjohnmoss: no is ninja sneeking in ur homes very dangerus

Me: I have the same sword as Arya Stark in Game of Thrones. I’ll be OK.

therealjohnmoss: wat is thrones

Me: A chair that a king sits on.

therealjohnmoss: o yes i hav many and u mak sexs with arya starks??

Me: Well, she has to become 18 first. Or 16 if I visit her in England.

therealjohnmoss: yes 16s is o k. waltar when deal competes we hav many party. u me and CHUNLI

Me: I can’t wait. Chun-Li is hot.

therealjohnmoss: who maybe im only mail with him

Me: I know.

therealjohnmoss: we r all handomes mens iz why gurl cant to rezist

Me: Yeah, it’s unfair to other men.

therealjohnmoss: wen muney come i will get more laddy than b4 overlode. i wil also buy u privite PIZA shop

Me: I can’t wait. I will eat all of the pizza.

therealjohnmoss: im so exsighted i cannot find it

Me: Find what?

therealjohnmoss: iz song. im so exsighted and i cant not find it. t iz funy video in youTUBE ok i go rite in my jurnal now

Me: OK good night.

therealjohnmoss: when milion dollars is mine u will help me bed yes

Me: I will. Better than Sleep Number.

therealjohnmoss: u kno waltar im think ur reeding is not so god u r confuse me a lot sleep and number is counting yaaks b4 beds but is not in contacts of convarsation so im not undersstand

Me: I’m so sorry John Moss, I’ll try to read more so I can be at your level.

therealjohnmoss: maybe wen u r dun with collage

Me: I am done with my collage, it so pretty!

therealjohnmoss: oh wat collage did u go 2

Me: The one with the butterflies and mermaids. But I must go, John Moss, I have to take a shower. Talk to you later!

therealjohnmoss: yes yes “showers” god nights

The Real John Moss is sleeping with a Hutu and a Tutsi? I was able to hack into his computer and obtain pictures of these girls:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but he did join my forum!

Whenever someone joins my forum, an automatic message goes out to that person. It looks like this:

Being completely clueless about this, however, The Real John Moss responded to it:

Ah, John Moss, you wouldn’t have been fooled by this if your awesome Web site had a forum.

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but sent me a friend request on Facebook!

Here’s a link to the Real John Moss’ Facebook Profile.

I don’t know what his privacy settings are, but if you can’t see anything, here’s the top of his profile:

How can all of the hot girls resist that? Here’s the “about” in his info:

So much for that “beding adbice.” He hasn’t updated his site since Week 3!

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He once again didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week, but messaged me on G-chat:

The Real John Moss: hahaaa waltar im maake sexes with a gurl she name is waltrina im think maby she is ur sistar?? but she iz blackk soo maby no

Me: Are you saying a black girl can’t be my sister? That’s racist!

The Real John Moss: iz she ur sistar??

Me: My long-lost sister, yeah.

The Real John Moss: yesssss!! i see her at pankake hose an i see name tag i new i must hav her for my victury i kno she waz ur sistar wen i say to her waltrina do u kno anyting abowt footballs?? and she say no i doont

Me: Is that because I don’t know anything about footballs either?

The Real John Moss: haa iz joke my brozer

Me: It was a great joke! So you banged my long-lost sister… how was it?

The Real John Moss: becuz itz ur sistar amazeing but asides that she iz terribull

Me: She’s amazing but terrible? Please explain.

The Real John Moss: she waz wale i only make sexes witth her becuz she iz ur sistar i only slept modals b4 all so i asks her 2 make me pankakes in mourning but she says no how iz possable???

Me: Because she wanted to eat all of the pancakes herself.

The Real John Moss: but she iz wokr at pankake resturant waltar dose she cook u??? so i kcik her out roound hose kick like taxas rangers im hop poliece do nat come

Me: No, she only works there so she can steal all of the pancakes for herself!

The Real John Moss: u remembar my fite with prostitoot??

Me: Yes.

The Real John Moss: waltar i cannt go 2 jale i hav deel with chunli remembar

Me: Well I won’t report you.

The Real John Moss: u will tell waltrina 2 yess??? woow thanks u my brozer i owe u faver iam in ur det

Me: Well, I will make sure to collect in the future.

The Real John Moss: yes anytheng i promiss u

Me: I’ll have to think of something.

The Real John Moss: o k waltar im go get icy creems im try 2 bang gurl work there

Me: OK sounds good, I hope she makes you pancakes.

The Real John Moss: an she hav school tomorow so i mst act quickk gud bye my frend !!!!!!!!!! wish me luk

Me: OK, good luck and stay out of trouble.

Oh, if you’re wondering what my long-lost black sister looks like, here she is:

“Godbye?” Does he mean goodbye? I hope not! I enjoy talking to him so much.

Maybe it’s not a permanent goodbye. Yeah, perhaps he was just off to have sex with his newest girlfriend. Here’s a picture of her:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He once again didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week. He also hasn’t sent me any messages. Perhaps he’s too busy paying his gambling debts. Or maybe he found the girl of his dreams in a far-off distant land:

The most illiterate sports bettor in the world is a man named the Real John Moss. He loves to e-mail me and talk to me on G-chat. He once again didn’t update his Web site, https://sites.google.com/site/realjohnmossfootball/ this past week. He also hasn’t sent me any messages.

To tell you the truth, I’m starting to get concerned. Maybe he’s been away for so long because he was prepping for the Mayan Apocalypse. Yeah, that’s it. If that had occurred, here’s what his girlfriend would have looked like in the final days: