2013 NFL Kickoff Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2013 NFL Kickoff Game – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Broncos-Ravens game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football’s back.

Also, you can discuss the Broncos-Ravens game in the Live In-Game Thread on the forums. Or talk trash in the Sunday Smackdown Section.

7:45: It’s 45 minutes until kickoff, and I’m pretty pissed. The forums aren’t working, as you may have noticed. It gives some weird authentication error and won’t let anyone access any pages. I swear, I’m not drunk and didn’t screw anything up! Luckily, I have multiple people working on this right now.

7:48: Who is this new NFL analyst Bob Costas interviewing? Ryan Seabreeze or something? He really knows his stuff.

7:50: I have a few friends coming over. My friend Pat’s the first one here. I’m also expecting my sister, who will be bringing delicious pasta, and Body Burner, who will be bringing his sexy self. I already had a hoagie and chips, but I’m fat so I’m always down for more food.

7:54: Someone named “U wot m8” below: “Why does this happen during every major football event?” referring to the forum issue. That’s a damn good question. If it were once in a while, I’d chalk it up to a coincidence. But every freaking time… I’m willing to bet that some a**hole who lives in his parents’ basement is out to get me.

7:56: I can’t believe the Ravens are playing on the road because of some stupid, boring baseball game. Is this Orioles-Yankees battle really important? I just checked the MLB.com standings, and it says both teams are at least 8.5 games back of the division lead. And don’t these teams play each other like 500 times during the season? Who gives a damn? I seriously doubt 100 people are going to watch that meaningless game.

7:57: Where did Scott Pioli go? Did he find a crappy player to draft? I rather like his analysis, but why’d NBC make him disappear?

7:58: Forums still not working. F*** YOU A**HOLE LIVING IN HIS PARENTS’ BASEMENT!!!!!!

7:59: My cousin Polina and her husband Chris just walked in. “I’m in my sixth year of college and I’m tired of it!” she announced. I just shook my head. I was at Penn State for six years, and I didn’t want to leave. I took finals drunk out of my mind and got B’s. I was the best college student ever.

8:01: Whoa, hot blonde chick with a red dress and nice legs. No idea what she’s saying, but she’s doing a great job on TV.

8:02: Hines Ward has replaced Scott Pioli! I told you Pioli went away to sign a crappy player.

(I didn’t want to explain myself on that line to ruin a great joke, but I meant Ward now; not the receiver who pissed off all of his opponents during his great career.)

8:05: By the way, my NFL Pick for the Broncos-Ravens game. I better get this one right, or all of my boasting about being better with my picks because I’m now single will make me look stupid.

8:07: “Walter is drunk. Hot blonde chick with a red dress is fugly.” – Andre Carmel.

Jeez… I’m not even drunk yet. I wonder what that says about the girls I actually do go after when I am intoxicated.

8:09: Body Burner just walked in. He sees this country music person and asks, “Who is this f****t?”

Umm… I think he means, who is this heterosexually challenged individual?

8:11: Who is this country music guy anyway? Someone here just said his name is Keith Irving. Screw you for holding up football, Keith Irving!

8:13: I know what you’re thinking – this Keith Irving a**hole is probably the one who ruined my forum. I thought about that, but he has a guitar, so he’s capable of picking up chicks. Thus, he’s not pissed off, so he’s not destroying random Web sites on the Internet.

8:14: But here’s the ultimate question: Why is NBC airing music prior to the games? Football fans don’t care about music. I understand the Super Bowl because random people watch that, but pure football fans are the only ones watching this. None of those people want to hear Keith Irvings.

8:16: Body Burner just told me he had the following exchange with my sister Jackie:

Jackie: I’m going to bring pasta!

Body Burner: No. It’s a football game. Beer. Pizza. Wings.

Jackie: Oh, snacks…

Body Burner: Football game. Beer. Pizza. Wings.

8:19: Ooooh, Bob Costas. People are yelling, so I didn’t hear what he said to us this time to make everyone feel bad about themselves. I’m thinking…

Hi, I’m Bob Costas. We are equals. Unless, of course, you don’t recycle every possible thing in your house, or if you don’t turn off all of the lights in your house, even when you’re in the room and need light, or if you eat meat, or if you eat plants, or if you don’t consider all people to be equals no matter what, or if you don’t have fancy hair and suits like I do, or if you don’t drink expensive wine in your hotel room… in that case, I am Bob Costas, and I am better than you.

8:26: What is this interview about?

Bob Costas: Peyton, you’re a great quarterback, but I have noticed that you haven’t complained about the lighting in this room. Do you not like our NBC Green initiative?

Peyton Manning: Thanks, Bob. Speaking of green, John Deere has a green logo. Buy some John Deere products, Bob. They’re great.

Bob Costas: Peyton, you’ve thrown for a lot of touchdowns, but I have noticed that you ate a piece of chicken the other day. Why are you evil?

Peyton Manning: Thanks, Bob. Speaking of chicken, buy some fried chicken from KFC. Right now, you can get a six-piece meal for just $9.99 – right now at your local KFC.

8:30: Wouldn’t it suck to be under one of those flags?

Body Burner: “Someone got raped under the F! The second F in Kickoff! There were six rapes!”

8:32: Everyone who knows about football here is shocked Shannon Sharpe said “two” properly.

8:34: Body Burner’s girlfriend Jamie: “Wait, the Ravens are playing?”

8:38: Wait, there’s a delay? I didn’t hear Al Michaels say anything because people are yelling. Some interesting comments:

Andre Carmel: They must be delaying the game because of the forum.

HA! TAKE THAT A**HOLE IN HIS PARENTS’ BASEMENT AND KEITH IRVING!!!

VBSiena: Enough time to rub one out I suppose.

Jealous. There are people here, so I can’t do that. Maybe I can sneak away…

8:41: Wait, why can’t they play football in a thunderstorm? Can’t they just treat lightning bolts like a 12th defender?

8:44: No Pioli, no Hines Ward. Guessing Ward got struck by lightning and Pioli’s searching for a new crappy player.

8:45: The Ravens blamed the blackout on the 49ers. No doubt they’ll be saying the Broncos were at fault for this storm.

8:48: The delay is “indefinite.” Maybe they can play this game in Baltimore after the Orioles are done.

8:49: I don’t know about you, but I’m a little confused about why there’s a delay. The radar they keep showing doesn’t have any green over Denver. There’s probably no lightning storm. I think this is Bob Costas trying to turn out the lights.

8:52: Michelle Tafoya just said this game’s starting at 7:10. Well, it’s 8:50 now, so I think she’s giving us outdated information.

8:55: Wait, so Tony Dungy was going to pick the Broncos, but changed his mind to the Ravens because he spent 30 minutes with Joe Flacco and thinks he’s the “real deal?” I guess that means Dungy doesn’t think Manning is the real deal.

9:00: Hockey’s back? Didn’t the season just end?

9:01: Here come the Broncos yayyyyayayayayayay. Again, such BS that the Ravens can’t open up at home because of boring baseball.

9:04: Just checked the baseball scores. Orioles 3, White Sox 1. No doubt everyone at the stadium is asleep.

9:06: Cris Collinsworth says that Joe Flacco isn’t fazed by the booing. I don’t know… I’m sure when he’s in bed at night, he sheds a tear or two that opposing fans don’t like him.

9:07: Jamie with another great quote: “Oh, it’s Flacco! Didn’t he win a game last year?”

9:11: It’s crap that they got someone who’s 17-and-under to sing the National Anthem. I can’t even say she’s hot. My whole night is ruined.

9:12: Oh God, Walt Coleman’s the official. He probably thinks the Baltimore Colts are playing the Broncos, and it’s 1970.

9:14: Jamie: “I feel like the cheerleaders are overdressed.” Truer words…

9:15: Ray Rice PPR point!!!

9:16: How did Brandon Stokley not get the first down? It seemed like it took him an hour to turn around.

9:18: Julius Thomas with a drop. What idiot had him as a fantasy sleeper?

9:19: At least I was right about Knowshon Moreno starting. John Fox hates rookies. I feel like he’d rather get hanged by the balls than start a rookie running back.

9:20: Wes Welker with the first down. Baltimore +7.5 not looking good.

9:21: Jimmy Smith with a rare good play. Broncos punting.

9:22: Ugh, just checked the forums. Doesn’t work. I called my Web host. Didn’t pick up. Looks like the a**hole who lives in his parents’ basement has kidnapped my Web host. This guy is one sick bastard.

9:25: Rahim “The Dream” Moore? Does anyone on this planet actually call him “the Dream?”

9:27: Ravens in the red zone. I’m the only one here actually watching the game. Body Burner and Jamie are talking quietly. My cousin and two others are discussing Harry Potter DVDs. My sister is yelling about pumpkin coffee. I invited people over to watch a game, didn’t I?

9:29: Wow, Torrey Smith with a first down after that ridiculous Flacco throw. First and goal.

9:30: Ravens touchdown! Flacco to Vonta Leach.

Ravens 7, Broncos 0

9:34: Another funny exchange…

Jackie: I made a whole pot of pumpkin coffee, and no one’s having any!

Body Burner: I was expecting to get served coffee.

Jackie: Well, I made it and I also made the food…

Body Burner: That’s because you’re a woman.

9:36: I heard from my Web host. He’s on the phone with the datacenter, and they’re trying to fix the forum. I told him that some a**hole from his parents’ basement is behind it, and he said that was very helpful.

9:39: Moreno, Ronnie Hillman… no Montee Ball yet. I told you, Fox would rather be hanged by the balls.

9:40: Broncos stall again. Sweet.

9:41: My friend Hot Stuff brought her brother. She asked him who he’s rooting for. He said Denver. She replied: “Wait, Flacco is on Broncos, right?”

9:42: That’s close to intentional grounding.

9:44: Ray Rice PPR PPPPPOOOINNNTSSSS!!!

9:45: How dare John Harbaugh use Bernard Pierce? This is bulls***. I have Rice on two fantasy teams, so he must be on the field at all times.

9:47: End of the first quarter. I just noticed that Reverend and Pat have disappeared to the basement for about 20 minutes now. I’d go check in on them, but if they’re doing heterosexually challenged things, I won’t want to interrupt.

9:49: Ugh, how did this turn into a 3rd-and-17?

9:50: Ed Dickson, it’s your job to catch the freaking ball. Why can’t you catch the freaking ball?

9:55: Remember the good ol’ days when that type of contact was allowed? Peyton Manning single-handedly changed the NFL by complaining to the refs after losing to the Patriots in the playoffs.

9:56: Daryl Smith is better than 2012 Ray Lewis, but he has to catch that. That was about a 50-yard difference at that punt.

9:59: Jacoby Jones injured. This never would’ve happened if it weren’t for the stupid Orioles.

10:00: I wouldn’t throw to Marlon Brown. He looks like he’s about to s*** his pants.

10:01: Interception. Note that the officials didn’t get the Bronco defensive back for that illegal contact.

10:02: Touchdown, Manning to Julius Thomas.

Broncos 7, Ravens 7

10:06: I think that kickoffs that go in between the uprights should be something. Not a point or anything like the CFL, but maybe it should push the opposition back to the 15. That would be kind of cool.

10:07: Flacco has looked out of sorts since Jacoby Jones left the game.

10:09: By the way, what the hell is up with NFL.com’s GameCenter field diagram thing? I can’t even tell what’s going on.

10:12: Told you not to throw to the pants-s***ter, Flacco. No chance that was complete.

10:13: Welker muffs!!! Ravens have the ball at the 2-yard line.

10:14: Touchdown, Ray Rice!

Ravens 14, Broncos 7

10:19: Just got off the phone with the Web host. They thought it was a DNS problem at first, but now they think it’s a coding problem. Still no ETA on it getting fixed.

10:21: Definitely offensive pass interference.

10:22: Julius Thomas’ coming-out party. My No. 9 fantasy football sleeper. What, what.

10:24: Touchdown, Julius Thomas. Hope you drafted him.

Broncos 14, Ravens 14

10:26: Hey guys, Cris Collinsworth just said I’m a genius!

10:27: Great, Michael Oher is being a bum, so the advantage the Ravens had with Von Miller out is nullified.

10:28: Manning’s going to have two consecutive possessions if he times this right. It’s going to be 28-14 quite soon.

10:30: The Ravens are handing the Broncos this game on a silver platter with their penalties, sacks and injuries. Could they make it any easier for Manning?

10:31: As if this game weren’t delayed enough, a challenge! It’s so obvious that the ball hopped, so why is this a 2-minute process? Can’t someone tell the senile official that the pass should be incomplete?

10:34: We don’t need to NB-SEE this bulls***. We know it’s incomplete. Why did this take three minutes?

10:36: Sack by Terrell Suggs on third down. Big stop by the Ravens, who need to regroup at halftime.

10:39: Marlon Brown caught a pass. Probably because no Bronco wanted to come near him because he s*** his pants.

10:41: Hey, Revolution is coming back… but it’s on a new night, so half the viewers will forget about it. The ratings will suck, so NBC will cancel it, of course.

10:42: Poopy pants with a big gain.

10:45: I can’t believe Dallas Clark and Brandon Stokley are playing in the same starting offense. Ravens in the red zone.

10:49: Dallas Clark with a terrible drop. Should be 21-14. Instead…

Ravens 17, Broncos 14

10:50: That’s just awful. You’d expect Marlon Moore or Ed Dickson to do that, but there’s no reason Clark should be screwing up like that. They signed him so he wouldn’t make mistakes.

10:51: Halftime. We should be in the fourth quarter by now.

10:53: There are two reasons I’ve never watched Boardwalk Empire:

1. It takes place in the 1920s, so all the people on the show are dead now. That depresses me.

2. Omar is one of the characters. How can he be part of some 1920s bulls*** when he was a bada** guy who stole from drug dealers, killed people with his shotgun and banged tons of chicks? Yes, they portrayed him as gay on the show, but that was obviously some sort of ruse.

10:55: Pioli and Ward are still no longer around. Perhaps they were both struck by lightning. If only Bob Costas were also a victim. The thing though is that the lightning no doubt wanted to stay away from Costas because he’s a giant douche.

11:02: Now, Vikings is a good show. I feel like there could still be vikings who are alive right now. Plus, the wife is hot.

11:05: Another kickoff through the uprights. Start at the 15! I’m telling ya, my rule will change football.

11:07: Wow… How did he not challenge that? Awful!

11:08: Still no Montee Ball. Can’t believe his average draft position was the fifth round.

11:09: Manning to Andre Caldwell, touchdown. He’s in. But seriously, what the hell was Harbaugh waiting for? That non-challenge might just be the difference in the game.

Broncos 21, Ravens 17

11:10: Man, Dallas Clark drops that touchdown… Harbaugh doesn’t challenge and gives Denver a score… the game could easily be 21-14 Ravens right now.

11:12: That French Fry burger is the dumbest idea ever. Can’t you just get a burger and fries and put fries into your burger?

11:14: Dickson with a drop… the Ravens are throwing this game away.

11:15: Oher’s backup allows a sack…

11:16: BLOCKED KICK… WTF…

11:17: Manning touchdown to Welker…

Broncos 28, Ravens 17

11:20: Reverend with a great point: “Why do beer companies always talk about cans? It’s always ‘our beer is cold’ and ‘we have the best cans.’ It’s never about beer anymore. No one gives a s*** about cans.”

11:22: My sister just announced that she cleaned all of the toilets in my house. Sweet. The one in my master bathroom hadn’t been cleaned in nearly two months. It won’t be brown anymore!

11:24: And Dallas Clark just died. Great.

11:25: Body Burner just made me a drink. He then cuddled up with me on the couch. We’ve reached that point of the night.

11:26: Pretty pissed about this game. The two injuries and the dumb non-challenge completely ruined it for Baltimore. The Ravens are reeling right now. They’re done.

11:30: Eric Decker pulls a Dallas Clark. Wes Welker steals a touchdown. Like I said, the Ravens are done. Can’t we just simulate to the end of the game?

Broncos 35, Ravens 17

11:35: Well, the Ravens are getting blown out, and the forums still aren’t working, so I need something to make me feel better about myself. Let’s check out one of my six fantasy teams (PPR scoring):

11:39: A comment from below: “Someone saw Clark putting money on Denver monday, moron!” Not sure whom he’s calling moron, but I could buy it. Clark could be the new Jake Delhomme. Someone kidnapped Clark’s daughter, so someone please help him!

11:44: Cris Collinsworth: “Ehhh you have to wonder what Ray Lewis would say on the sidelines ehhh.”

The Reverend: “I was an accessory to murder!”

11:45: Clark’s daughter’s kidnappers clearly have told him that catching the ball is OK again.

11:46: OK, maybe not.

11:55: Just realized that I can also blame this loss on Circadian rhythms! The delayed start made it tough for the Ravens, and if you noticed, they melted down after halftime when it was super late.

11:56: See? Brandon Stokley is tired. Circadian rhythms!

11:59: Body Burner: “I never really liked Wes Welker. He’s always seemed like a little s***.”

12:00: It’s midnight, so time for some hate mail! This is in the comment board below: “Walk it looks like you need a new job. This whole handicapping thing isn’t working for you. You are just bad.”

I’ve apparently changed my name to Walk. But even if I were bothered by feedback like this, I wouldn’t say I’m bad because of this game. The Ravens had full control until two of their key players went down with injuries and Harbaugh screwed up that challenge.

12:04: More hate mail: “Is that all you do is make excuses like a kid? Be a man and own up.”

NO! I WANT TO BE A KID AND MAKE EXCUSES!!!

12:06: Oh, there was a touchdown of some sort.

Broncos 42, Ravens 17

12:08: My friend Matvei, whom I enter the LVH Supercontest with, just texted me and said that we had the wrong side. I don’t think so… it was 28-0 after Michael Oher and Jacoby Jones went out. Nothing can be done about in-game injuries. The Broncos just aren’t 25 points better than the Ravens. If they played this contest 10 times, most of the outcomes would be close. That’s just the truth of the matter.

12:10: I wish I kept count of drops for the Ravens tonight. Dickson and Clark are absolutely awful.

12:11: Why is Flacco still playing? I’d take him out.

12:14: Wow, pick-six.

12:15: Ha! Danny “DeSean Jackson” Trevathan. Luckily for him, the game’s not on the line. Whoever has Broncos D/ST in fantasy has to be pissed though.

12:16: Injury to insult, Wesley Woodyard is hurt. That’s huge.

12:17: More PPR points for Ray Rice, but he shouldn’t be on the field right now.

12:18: It’s a miracle! A Baltimore tight end caught a pass!

12:19: “Hey, Dallas, someone here has a big prop on Broncos -24. Make sure you fumble the ball if you catch it.” – Dallas Clark’s daughter’s kidnappers.

12:20: Marlon Moore’s touchdown makes this game relevant for Denver fantasy owners.

Broncos 42, Ravens 24

12:26: Comment below: “2 touchdowns in garbage time and Walt still wins his bet. I’m sure Dallas Clark will drop a last second touchdown pass and you’ll lose 3 units though.”

I’ve had worse beats, but no doubt this would happen to me. Screw you, Clark’s daughter’s kidnappers.

12:27: Poor Montee Ball can’t play because he can’t pass protect. Why would the Broncos even draft a running back who can’t pass protect?

12:28: That Oher injury was so huge. That and the Harbaugh non-challenge changed the entire game.

12:30: Awesome one-handed catch by Torrey Smith, but how did the zebras miss that pass interference?

12:33: Kick a field goal and then get eight points!

12:34: Yes! Field goal plus eight gets us the cover!

Broncos 42, Ravens 27

12:35: Even more hate mail from the same guy with the sand in his vag: “Blame your dumb pick on the Ravens mistakes and injuries. The Broncos have had their share of big mistakes and injuries in this game as well. But of course you will only mention the Ravens woes because it makes you feel better about yourself. You are pathetic. ”

Umm… why wouldn’t I do something to make me feel better about myself? That’s the plan. Not sure what Broncos’ injuries were prior to the Woodyard thing, which was super late.

12:37: Wow, Decker is having a terrible game.

12:38: Demaryius Thoms with a 78-yard touchdown. So much for the backdoor cover. Seventh touchdown for Peyton Manning.

Broncos 49, Ravens 27

12:49: Montee Ball looks pretty terrible.

12:54: Game over. Thanks for reading my incoherent thoughts.

The Broncos were great, but again, they’re not 22 points better than the Ravens. I’ll have a game recap soon. Charlie’s 2014 NFL Mock Draft will be updated tomorrow morning. Also, make sure you enter the Survivor Pool (free entry, $350 prize).

Please note that the survivor pool won’t work until the forums are up. I’m sure my team will defeat the a**hole in his parents’ basement’s latest ploy soon enough.