The Real John Moss: 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2015
This is a compilation of e-mails from the Real John Moss that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for updates.
I haven’t heard from him all summer, but he sent me an e-mail near the end of the season opener:
Wow, 800 grand AND a new Jaguar? The Real John Moss must be thrilled. Unfortunately, he’ll receive no money, and if he’s lucky, he’ll get a car that looks like this:
The Real John Moss messaged me on G-Chat recently. Where has he been all this time? I found out…
John Moss: waltar
Me:
John Moss!
John Moss: im no more america
Me: Why, what happened?
John Moss: im be departed
Me: For what?
John Moss: no VISA. im get arestid and polece see visa expire
Me: For what?
John Moss: it set up. im inacent. FREE John Moss
Me: What did they arrest you for?
John Moss: fix hi school sport maybe u r not nowing but there is lot money in gambol hs game
Me: Which sport?
John Moss: woman feald hokey
Me: Did you do anything shady? I won’t tell.
John Moss: waltar wat happne is im maybe walk neer there foods and bottle of laxitive fall in by acidant of team im bet aganst but u no im foriner it is conspiricy to arest me
Me: How is it a conspiracy if you actually used a laxitive?
John Moss: comon waltar u no im be real it was acident
Me: So you just happened to have a bottle of laxitives with you?
John Moss: is crime to have botle laxitive??
Me: But you just happened to have it, and you just happened to walk by the opposing team’s bench. Seems sketchy to me!
John Moss: u sound just like girl parants. loook waltar i no futbol start tooday im nead favor
Me: Wait, before we get to that, did you have any relations with this girl?
John Moss: nevar!!1 wlatar u no me u and me are same man. we have no problam with get many ladys
Me: This is true, which is why I had to ask!
John Moss: but this is favor waltar im nead u to find me american girl to mary this way im get citzinship
Me: Why not marry that field hockey girl? Seems promising. You’ve already met her parents.
John Moss: she go collage but was comunity collage. u no me waltar im go top univercity i have standerd
Me: Beggars can’t be choosers, and you’re searching for a wife!
John Moss: mmm u r truth u no who is nice girl
Me: Who?
John Moss: mayb ur conection can help me giorl from collage champinship game abalama
Me: That’s A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend. If you can become a famous college quarterback, I’m sure you can land someone like her.
John Moss: i wil box him for gf in my country it traditionn
Me: Ah, if only you were in Alabama so you could challenge him.
John Moss: wwaltar u r in indistry and u no i cold win champinship if u put me qaurterback abalama
Me: Well, you would use laxitives on the other team…
John Moss: allegadly !
The Real John Moss messaged me on G-Chat recently. He asked me to help him find a wife so he can get back into this country…
John Moss: fined me WIFE. u r lady man at leest give John Moss leftover
Me: What if she’s really fat?
John Moss: waltar waltar wen u eat filay minion all ur life can u go eat beaf jerky
Me: But you seem so desperate to get back into this country.
John Moss: waltar yes extremly. u no i am gratest gambol in univerce and mine country no have gambol on futbol
Me: But then why won’t you marry a fat girl to get back into the United States?
John Moss: i wuld rather be died!!1
Me: Wow, strong words.
John Moss: waltar u no in ur hart of haart that is truth. we r beutiful men. a lion caannot mate with whale. a silvarback garilla can no have sexes with a pig
Me: But I’m sure the lion/gorilla would do it if he had to get back into this country.
John Moss: mmm a garilla making beds on futbol is funy
The Real John Moss messaged me on G-Chat recently. He had a great idea that may revolutionize football…
John Moss: wait waltar WALTAR! i havve it where is rule say garilla cannot play futbol?? if u r put him at runing back who is stop him
Me: But what if he throws the ball at the other team like gorillas often throw feces at things?
John Moss: we put bananana end zone garilla love bananana. waltar im must sleap but we talk later OK?
Me: Sounds good,
John Moss: ! I’ll get in contact with the league offices about the gorilla idea.
John Moss: yes we r becume vary rich my fiend
Me: And maybe they’ll even let you back into the country.
John Moss: woow u r rite okay god nite!!!!!!
Me: Good night, my friend.
I found the following message in my G-mail account:
litle kim is nice
That’s it. That’s the last I’ve heard from the Real John Moss. I feel bad for him, rotting in another country with nothing to do but watch Little Kim videos. If only he could be back in America to fix more women’s field hockey games.
Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
The Real John Moss: 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2015
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