Remember when people were freaking out about global warming? Led by looney tune Al Gore, pimply faced a**holes who couldn't get laid and ugly women with armpit hair stormed the streets in protest, warning us that we were destroying our planet by melting the ice caps. "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG the wildlife is going to die and stuff," they said, even though barely anyone with a functioning brain was paying attention.
Well, I was paying attention. Whether or not I have a functional brain is debatable, but rather than being concerned with global warming, I welcomed it. I tried my hardest to waste as much energy as possible, and I even left my car running in the driveway so its fumes could rise up into the sky. NBC, which is being run into the ground by incompetent hippies, always talks about going green. Well, WalterFootball.com is going brown.
Everyone should join me in going brown. I mean, who doesn't want the world to be warmer? If it can be 80 and sunny every single day in Philadelphia, I'd be a happy man. So what if the ice caps melt? How does that affect any of us? Who cares if the polar bears and penguins drown in the Arctic Ocean? So what if Santa's basement floods? I think it's extremely selfish of these artsy-fartsy new-age hippies to think about the Arctic life when I'm miserable here during the winter months.
I've been especially miserable this winter because the weather has been worse than usual. It's been snowing every other week, and there have been record lows recently. One recent night, the wind chill outside was -20 degrees. What the hell happened to global warming!?
There was a recent week here where it snowed heavily on Thursday and Friday, poured freezing rain on Sunday, and then there were sub-zero temperatures on Monday and Tuesday. I don't even like to leave my house when it's 50 degrees or happens to be raining, so as you can imagine, I remained indoors where I cranked the heat up to 75 degrees. I would've been fine at 73, but once again, WalterFootball.com is going brown.
I was quite warm inside my house, but the downside was that I had no human contact for six of the seven days I hid from the terrible weather. As you can imagine, I began to lose my mind at some point. I'm not sure exactly when this occurred, but I did manage to keep track of what I did for the entire week:
It wasn't supposed to snow until 6 or 7 p.m., so my plan was to write my Jerks of the Week column and compile some of the NFL Free Agent Rankings I've been posting. I was then going to run over to Panera Bread and Acme to pick up dinner for tonight and salad for the subsequent days. I'm a master salad chef now, as I mentioned two weeks ago, so I figured I could complement my world-famous chicken sandwiches with some salad for some nice, healthy dinners.
I managed to finish my Jerks entry around 5:20. I quickly got dressed and grabbed my money. Before heading down into my garage, I quickly looked outside - and I saw that the roads were already completely white!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. How could this happen? They said the snow would begin to fall between 6-7; not 5:20. I looked up and continued to yell. "F*** you, God! Why do you hate me!? Why do you want to ruin my dinner by preventing me from eating salads!? Why, God, why!?"
Dinner wasn't a total bust. I didn't have my healthy salad with croutons, bacon bits and shredded cheese, but I did make two chicken sandwiches. I usually put cheese and ketchup on them, but I decided to be daring and replace the ketchup with barbeque sauce on one of the sandwiches. I don't like to brag, but it was quite delicious.
Who knew I could become a master chef? I still don't know where to buy eggs - in fact, the eggs that Gong bought during the forum party back in August are still in my fridge - but I'd say I've mastered the culinary arts otherwise.
I was going to use Friday to get through all of my free agency rankings. I couldn't go anywhere or see anyone, so why not knock out a week's worth of work in just one day?
I was moving along pretty well when some e-mails started coming in. They were from normal site readers who were complaining about strange posts being written in my comment boards. I looked to see what was going on, and I discovered that I had a massive outbreak of spammers.
These spammers weren't of the normal variety, who ask you to click a link so you can purchase cheat Viagra or make your penis grow five feet in just 24 hours. The spammers who were destroying my comment boards were posting cryptic messages with misspelled words and zero links. Here's one example:
The article is imesnemly informative and fruitful. The two hundred best jobs in US which are based on environment, income, employment outlook, physical demand and stress. It will help readers to take proactive decisions and update themselves accordingly. Thanks a lot for providing so valuable facts.
Notice how "immensely" is misspelled there. In every single one of these spam posts, there's either one or two misspelled words. Here's another example:
The purpose of youbute is to allow viewers to watch video content at any time in any place.There are absolutely no restrictions placed on what format this has to take (barring policy violations). You also seem to believe this is the mememolly show rather than a news channel. She merely hosts, none of the script is up to her and she has absolutely no editorial control. This isnt a girl making videos in her bedroom, it's her career, for which she is paid a reported $80,000 salary.
Who the hell is that second person talking about? What girl making videos in her bedroom? I'd understand if this spammer was trying to promote some porno Web cam, but where was the link? Why are they bringing up YouTube on my site? And with the first spam post, what facts are those? I never wrote any facts about jobs or the economy. Why would they spam about that? Why not make yourself sound real by posting something relevant? It seems like these spammers are just extremely lazy, and they're not doing a good job. Whoever hired these scumbags should think about terminating them.
Here's another spam post to emphasize the point:
I did a little fehurtr reading and thinking. My suggestion of use of compressed air is, I think, right. But it may not have had to do with blending the constituents, fermented beer, water, maybe caramel or some other permitted additive. (The idea was suggested to me by the practice of using compressed air to mix effectively different whiskies).Air pressure was a common way to dispense beer in Scotland. Maybe the finished blends were charged with compressed air before barreling for this reason. That now seems the most likely explanation to me.Compressed air is used in refrigeration equipment too, so perhaps the temperature of the tanked beer was kept low through some use of compressed air.I think the explanation must be one of these but pressurisation to assist beer dispense is perhaps the most likely.Gary
What the hell? Compressed air? Air pressure? What Web site does this idiot spammer think he's on, WalterAirPressure.com? I understand that these spammers are from third-world countries where they mate with sheep, goats and their own cousins, and that sometimes, they have sexy trysts with their goat's cousins, but it still doesn't excuse this level of incompetence.
Some spammers were a bit better:
I would like to thnkx for the efforts you've put in wrnitig this web site. I am hoping the same high-grade web site post from you in the upcoming as well. Actually your creative wrnitig abilities has encouraged me to get my own web site now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a good example of it.
This post was at least complimentary, but it was still spam writing. Again, there were misspelled words - you'd think a person who starts his own Web site would be able to spell "writing" correctly - and there was also strange text like, "Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly." What the hell does that mean?
As you can imagine, reading these posts and blocking as many spammers as possible turned my brain into mush. I was beginning to lose it when my Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest partner Matvei, who lives in the Oakland area, messaged me on G-chat:
Matvei: What's it like in Philly right now, are you buried in snow?
Me: Yeah, we've had a ton of snow.
Matvei: It's 63 degrees outside my house right now!
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matvei: Just took a walk to lunch in shorts. I dunno why anyone still lives in the northeast.
Me: I haven't left my house in days!
Matvei: In fairness, though, you might do that in the spring too.
Matvei was right - but I could at least have my windows open during these 63-degree days. He asked me why I don't move to California. The answer: Too many taxes, earthquakes and hippies. The latter would never like me because of my brown initiative.
I actually got to talk to a live person on Saturday, as Anti-Facebook Girl came over to hang out. She also made me tacos and rice for dinner as I was working during the playoff games. She knows my kitchen better than I do, but she still had a couple of questions for me.
Anti-Facebook Girl: Walt, where's your butter?
Me: I don't have any butter.
Anti-Facebook Girl: Why didn't you tell me that before I went to Acme?
Me: I don't know, I've never bought butter before.
Anti-Facebook Girl: You've never bought butter?
Me: No, why would I need butter?
Honestly, even if I had butter, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I know it's something you cook with, but my famous chicken sandwiches don't require this particular condiment.
Anti-Facebook Girl: Walt, where's your measuring cup?
Me: I don't have one.
Anti-Facebook Girl: Well, how am I supposed to measure stuff?
Me: You can use a ruler.
Anti-Facebook Girl: I can't use a ruler to measure cooking...
Me: Wait, never mind. I don't have a ruler either.
Once again, I have no use for a measuring cup or ruler. I don't know any of the measuring terms. For example, the words "tea spoon" and "table spoon" are lost on me. Why is a tea spoon a measurement when it's used to mix tea? And don't get me started on table spoons. I assume they are spoons made out of table materials, but I don't see how this can possibly help anyone's cooking endeavors.
Despite the fact that she didn't have a measuring cup or butter to work with, Anti-Facebook Girl made delicious tacos and rice. I asked her if she wanted to stick around for the Sunday playoff games, but she wanted to beat the freezing rain that was supposed to hit. More bad weather means more loneliness inside my house!
The two games kept me busy, with the second one ending around 8. I continued to work, but once again, I didn't have anyone to talk to.
Meanwhile, the spam comments continued to pour in:
We set up a lemonade stand once. We were selinlg it for a dime a cup. A guy on a motorcycle showed up with a dollar and we didn't have enough change. He let us keep the whole dollar. We closed up shop and went to spend it at the candy store.
Cool story, bro.
I had the college football national championship to watch on Monday night, but this day was still frustrating. The spammers kept flooding my comment boards, but the worst part came during dinnertime. I had the urge for frozen pizza, and I knew I had some in my freezer.
I went down to the kitchen and rummaged through my freezer for this frozen pizza. I found only one frozen pizza box, but my heart sank when I saw the expiration date: May 2012.
So, what did I do? I stuck the frozen pizza in the microwave and then ate the whole thing, of course! The dough was a little rubbery, but it was otherwise pretty good. I didn't vomit, squirt diarrhea or have a seizure afterward, so I'd say dinner was a huge success.
Temperatures were below zero on Tuesday, so I definitely wasn't going anywhere. Still though, I was getting antsy because this was Day 6 of not leaving my house.
As I was finishing up my live 2014 NFL Mock Draft update, I noticed something strange. My mom bought me this glass fish bowl that's filled with Jolly Ranchers:
I put this on my desk, and I devour about 8-10 Jolly Ranchers per day. I was doing this the entire time I was stuck at home. Yet, despite my Jolly Rancher gluttony, the number of candy in the bowl hadn't decreased at all.
Me: That's weird. Where are all of these Jolly Ranchers coming from?
Fish Bowl: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to, bub.
Me: Whoa, you can talk!
Fish Bowl: Of course I can talk, what are ya some kind of idiot?
Me: Well, it's not usual for glass fish bowls to talk.
Fish Bowl: "Glass fish bowl." We're all the same to ya animate objects. I do have a name, ya know. It's Fred. Fred the Fish.
Me: Fred the Fish? Well, I'm Walt the... uhh... just Walt.
Fred the Fish: Walt the Human. I know exactly who you are.
Fred the Fish: Yeah you run some football Web site that makes you think you're important. You pick your nose too much and listen to the same damn Miley Cyrus song 50 times in a row. You also watch too much lesbian porn. Would it hurt ya to put on some fish porn for me once in a while?
Me: Fish porn? Don't male fish just fertilize eggs that female fish leave lying around in rock crevasses?
Fred the Fish: Yeah... oh man, nothing turns me on more when a hot fish broad lays her eggs. Oh boy...
Me: You know, I just Googled "fish porn" and it says here some guy in England was arrested for having fish porn on his phone.
Fred the Fish: Yeah, it's kinda illegal, so you might want to make sure your Internet connection is secure before you download some for me.
Wait... what the hell was I doing? Why I was talking to a glass fish bowl? Was I going insane from being home alone for nearly a week, or was this happening because of Monday night's expired frozen pizza?
The possibility of going mentally insane from being secluded for so long had me thinking: Was anything that happened real? Did I talk to a glass fish bowl? Do I even have a glass fish bowl? Were there spammers on the site? Why was there frozen pizza from 2012 in my freezer? Did Anti-Facebook Girl really come over and make me tacos and rice? Or was I imagining all of this? Could it be possible that I've been strapped up in some mental asylum, creating some sort of false reality for myself?
I grabbed another Jolly Rancher from Fred the Fish and thought about it some more.
I decided I absolutely had to get out of the house. Weather.com said temperatures would reach only 25 degrees on Wednesday, but I couldn't handle a seventh-consecutive day of being home.
I figured I'd hit up the gym to burn off the frozen pizza and Jolly Ranchers I may or may not have eaten. Unfortunately, I had to trudge through the bitter cold of my garage. I then encountered heavy amounts of traffic while driving to the gym. There was also a stretch that limited everyone to 15 mph because of kids getting off the bus. This was yet another example of how selfish people can be: Why do we have to slow down for kids? I feel like the speed limit should increase, if anything.
I got to the gym and changed into my swim trunks. As I was doing so, I overheard a fat man go on a rant:
"I hate people who ask for free handouts. Why should it be my responsibility to take care of them? If you need something, don't come to me! I'll come to you if I want to help you, but don't stick your hand out and beg for something from me because I'm not going to give it to you! I don't care if you can't feed your family! Sacrifice and eat one of your kids if you can't feed your family. If Abraham can kill Isaac and eat him, so can you!"
Wow. I'm all for accountability, but asking people to turn into cannibals is a bit outrageous. And who is this Abraham a**hole to eat someone named Isaac? Why did Isaac have to be eaten? Couldn't they have gone to McDonald's or something and ordered off the Dollar Menu? Abraham's a dick.
I thought about it, and I realized that I wasn't missing much. I spent six days indoors, and all I missed was cold weather, bad traffic and fat men discussing cannibalism. Come to think of it, staying inside and talking to Fred the Fish wasn't so bad after all.