Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014





Jerks of the Week: Jan. 13, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: Snowed In and Going Insane

Remember when people were freaking out about global warming? Led by looney tune Al Gore, pimply faced a**holes who couldn't get laid and ugly women with armpit hair stormed the streets in protest, warning us that we were destroying our planet by melting the ice caps. "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG the wildlife is going to die and stuff," they said, even though barely anyone with a functioning brain was paying attention.

Well, I was paying attention. Whether or not I have a functional brain is debatable, but rather than being concerned with global warming, I welcomed it. I tried my hardest to waste as much energy as possible, and I even left my car running in the driveway so its fumes could rise up into the sky. NBC, which is being run into the ground by incompetent hippies, always talks about going green. Well, WalterFootball.com is going brown.

Everyone should join me in going brown. I mean, who doesn't want the world to be warmer? If it can be 80 and sunny every single day in Philadelphia, I'd be a happy man. So what if the ice caps melt? How does that affect any of us? Who cares if the polar bears and penguins drown in the Arctic Ocean? So what if Santa's basement floods? I think it's extremely selfish of these artsy-fartsy new-age hippies to think about the Arctic life when I'm miserable here during the winter months.

I've been especially miserable this winter because the weather has been worse than usual. It's been snowing every other week, and there have been record lows recently. One recent night, the wind chill outside was -20 degrees. What the hell happened to global warming!?

There was a recent week here where it snowed heavily on Thursday and Friday, poured freezing rain on Sunday, and then there were sub-zero temperatures on Monday and Tuesday. I don't even like to leave my house when it's 50 degrees or happens to be raining, so as you can imagine, I remained indoors where I cranked the heat up to 75 degrees. I would've been fine at 73, but once again, WalterFootball.com is going brown.

I was quite warm inside my house, but the downside was that I had no human contact for six of the seven days I hid from the terrible weather. As you can imagine, I began to lose my mind at some point. I'm not sure exactly when this occurred, but I did manage to keep track of what I did for the entire week:


Thursday:

It wasn't supposed to snow until 6 or 7 p.m., so my plan was to write my Jerks of the Week column and compile some of the NFL Free Agent Rankings I've been posting. I was then going to run over to Panera Bread and Acme to pick up dinner for tonight and salad for the subsequent days. I'm a master salad chef now, as I mentioned two weeks ago, so I figured I could complement my world-famous chicken sandwiches with some salad for some nice, healthy dinners.

I managed to finish my Jerks entry around 5:20. I quickly got dressed and grabbed my money. Before heading down into my garage, I quickly looked outside - and I saw that the roads were already completely white!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. How could this happen? They said the snow would begin to fall between 6-7; not 5:20. I looked up and continued to yell. "F*** you, God! Why do you hate me!? Why do you want to ruin my dinner by preventing me from eating salads!? Why, God, why!?"

Dinner wasn't a total bust. I didn't have my healthy salad with croutons, bacon bits and shredded cheese, but I did make two chicken sandwiches. I usually put cheese and ketchup on them, but I decided to be daring and replace the ketchup with barbeque sauce on one of the sandwiches. I don't like to brag, but it was quite delicious.

Who knew I could become a master chef? I still don't know where to buy eggs - in fact, the eggs that Gong bought during the forum party back in August are still in my fridge - but I'd say I've mastered the culinary arts otherwise.





Friday:

I was going to use Friday to get through all of my free agency rankings. I couldn't go anywhere or see anyone, so why not knock out a week's worth of work in just one day?

I was moving along pretty well when some e-mails started coming in. They were from normal site readers who were complaining about strange posts being written in my comment boards. I looked to see what was going on, and I discovered that I had a massive outbreak of spammers.

These spammers weren't of the normal variety, who ask you to click a link so you can purchase cheat Viagra or make your penis grow five feet in just 24 hours. The spammers who were destroying my comment boards were posting cryptic messages with misspelled words and zero links. Here's one example:

The article is imesnemly informative and fruitful. The two hundred best jobs in US which are based on environment, income, employment outlook, physical demand and stress. It will help readers to take proactive decisions and update themselves accordingly. Thanks a lot for providing so valuable facts.

Notice how "immensely" is misspelled there. In every single one of these spam posts, there's either one or two misspelled words. Here's another example:

The purpose of youbute is to allow viewers to watch video content at any time in any place.There are absolutely no restrictions placed on what format this has to take (barring policy violations). You also seem to believe this is the mememolly show rather than a news channel. She merely hosts, none of the script is up to her and she has absolutely no editorial control. This isnt a girl making videos in her bedroom, it's her career, for which she is paid a reported $80,000 salary.

Who the hell is that second person talking about? What girl making videos in her bedroom? I'd understand if this spammer was trying to promote some porno Web cam, but where was the link? Why are they bringing up YouTube on my site? And with the first spam post, what facts are those? I never wrote any facts about jobs or the economy. Why would they spam about that? Why not make yourself sound real by posting something relevant? It seems like these spammers are just extremely lazy, and they're not doing a good job. Whoever hired these scumbags should think about terminating them.

Here's another spam post to emphasize the point:

I did a little fehurtr reading and thinking. My suggestion of use of compressed air is, I think, right. But it may not have had to do with blending the constituents, fermented beer, water, maybe caramel or some other permitted additive. (The idea was suggested to me by the practice of using compressed air to mix effectively different whiskies).Air pressure was a common way to dispense beer in Scotland. Maybe the finished blends were charged with compressed air before barreling for this reason. That now seems the most likely explanation to me.Compressed air is used in refrigeration equipment too, so perhaps the temperature of the tanked beer was kept low through some use of compressed air.I think the explanation must be one of these but pressurisation to assist beer dispense is perhaps the most likely.Gary

What the hell? Compressed air? Air pressure? What Web site does this idiot spammer think he's on, WalterAirPressure.com? I understand that these spammers are from third-world countries where they mate with sheep, goats and their own cousins, and that sometimes, they have sexy trysts with their goat's cousins, but it still doesn't excuse this level of incompetence.

Some spammers were a bit better:

I would like to thnkx for the efforts you've put in wrnitig this web site. I am hoping the same high-grade web site post from you in the upcoming as well. Actually your creative wrnitig abilities has encouraged me to get my own web site now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a good example of it.

This post was at least complimentary, but it was still spam writing. Again, there were misspelled words - you'd think a person who starts his own Web site would be able to spell "writing" correctly - and there was also strange text like, "Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly." What the hell does that mean?

As you can imagine, reading these posts and blocking as many spammers as possible turned my brain into mush. I was beginning to lose it when my Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest partner Matvei, who lives in the Oakland area, messaged me on G-chat:

Matvei: What's it like in Philly right now, are you buried in snow?

Me: Yeah, we've had a ton of snow.

Matvei: It's 63 degrees outside my house right now!

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matvei: Just took a walk to lunch in shorts. I dunno why anyone still lives in the northeast.

Me: I haven't left my house in days!

Matvei: In fairness, though, you might do that in the spring too.

Me: Perhaps.

Matvei was right - but I could at least have my windows open during these 63-degree days. He asked me why I don't move to California. The answer: Too many taxes, earthquakes and hippies. The latter would never like me because of my brown initiative.


Saturday:

I actually got to talk to a live person on Saturday, as Anti-Facebook Girl came over to hang out. She also made me tacos and rice for dinner as I was working during the playoff games. She knows my kitchen better than I do, but she still had a couple of questions for me.

Anti-Facebook Girl: Walt, where's your butter?

Me: I don't have any butter.

Anti-Facebook Girl: Why didn't you tell me that before I went to Acme?

Me: I don't know, I've never bought butter before.

Anti-Facebook Girl: You've never bought butter?

Me: No, why would I need butter?

Honestly, even if I had butter, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I know it's something you cook with, but my famous chicken sandwiches don't require this particular condiment.

Anti-Facebook Girl: Walt, where's your measuring cup?

Me: I don't have one.

Anti-Facebook Girl: Well, how am I supposed to measure stuff?

Me: You can use a ruler.

Anti-Facebook Girl: I can't use a ruler to measure cooking...

Me: Wait, never mind. I don't have a ruler either.

Once again, I have no use for a measuring cup or ruler. I don't know any of the measuring terms. For example, the words "tea spoon" and "table spoon" are lost on me. Why is a tea spoon a measurement when it's used to mix tea? And don't get me started on table spoons. I assume they are spoons made out of table materials, but I don't see how this can possibly help anyone's cooking endeavors.







Sunday:

Despite the fact that she didn't have a measuring cup or butter to work with, Anti-Facebook Girl made delicious tacos and rice. I asked her if she wanted to stick around for the Sunday playoff games, but she wanted to beat the freezing rain that was supposed to hit. More bad weather means more loneliness inside my house!

The two games kept me busy, with the second one ending around 8. I continued to work, but once again, I didn't have anyone to talk to.

Meanwhile, the spam comments continued to pour in:

We set up a lemonade stand once. We were selinlg it for a dime a cup. A guy on a motorcycle showed up with a dollar and we didn't have enough change. He let us keep the whole dollar. We closed up shop and went to spend it at the candy store.

Cool story, bro.


Monday:

I had the college football national championship to watch on Monday night, but this day was still frustrating. The spammers kept flooding my comment boards, but the worst part came during dinnertime. I had the urge for frozen pizza, and I knew I had some in my freezer.

I went down to the kitchen and rummaged through my freezer for this frozen pizza. I found only one frozen pizza box, but my heart sank when I saw the expiration date: May 2012.

So, what did I do? I stuck the frozen pizza in the microwave and then ate the whole thing, of course! The dough was a little rubbery, but it was otherwise pretty good. I didn't vomit, squirt diarrhea or have a seizure afterward, so I'd say dinner was a huge success.


Tuesday:

Temperatures were below zero on Tuesday, so I definitely wasn't going anywhere. Still though, I was getting antsy because this was Day 6 of not leaving my house.

As I was finishing up my live 2014 NFL Mock Draft update, I noticed something strange. My mom bought me this glass fish bowl that's filled with Jolly Ranchers:



I put this on my desk, and I devour about 8-10 Jolly Ranchers per day. I was doing this the entire time I was stuck at home. Yet, despite my Jolly Rancher gluttony, the number of candy in the bowl hadn't decreased at all.

Me: That's weird. Where are all of these Jolly Ranchers coming from?

Fish Bowl: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to, bub.

Me: Whoa, you can talk!

Fish Bowl: Of course I can talk, what are ya some kind of idiot?

Me: Well, it's not usual for glass fish bowls to talk.

Fish Bowl: "Glass fish bowl." We're all the same to ya animate objects. I do have a name, ya know. It's Fred. Fred the Fish.

Me: Fred the Fish? Well, I'm Walt the... uhh... just Walt.

Fred the Fish: Walt the Human. I know exactly who you are.

Me: Really?

Fred the Fish: Yeah you run some football Web site that makes you think you're important. You pick your nose too much and listen to the same damn Miley Cyrus song 50 times in a row. You also watch too much lesbian porn. Would it hurt ya to put on some fish porn for me once in a while?

Me: Fish porn? Don't male fish just fertilize eggs that female fish leave lying around in rock crevasses?

Fred the Fish: Yeah... oh man, nothing turns me on more when a hot fish broad lays her eggs. Oh boy...

Me: You know, I just Googled "fish porn" and it says here some guy in England was arrested for having fish porn on his phone.

Fred the Fish: Yeah, it's kinda illegal, so you might want to make sure your Internet connection is secure before you download some for me.

Wait... what the hell was I doing? Why I was talking to a glass fish bowl? Was I going insane from being home alone for nearly a week, or was this happening because of Monday night's expired frozen pizza?

The possibility of going mentally insane from being secluded for so long had me thinking: Was anything that happened real? Did I talk to a glass fish bowl? Do I even have a glass fish bowl? Were there spammers on the site? Why was there frozen pizza from 2012 in my freezer? Did Anti-Facebook Girl really come over and make me tacos and rice? Or was I imagining all of this? Could it be possible that I've been strapped up in some mental asylum, creating some sort of false reality for myself?

I grabbed another Jolly Rancher from Fred the Fish and thought about it some more.


Wednesday:

I decided I absolutely had to get out of the house. Weather.com said temperatures would reach only 25 degrees on Wednesday, but I couldn't handle a seventh-consecutive day of being home.

I figured I'd hit up the gym to burn off the frozen pizza and Jolly Ranchers I may or may not have eaten. Unfortunately, I had to trudge through the bitter cold of my garage. I then encountered heavy amounts of traffic while driving to the gym. There was also a stretch that limited everyone to 15 mph because of kids getting off the bus. This was yet another example of how selfish people can be: Why do we have to slow down for kids? I feel like the speed limit should increase, if anything.

I got to the gym and changed into my swim trunks. As I was doing so, I overheard a fat man go on a rant:

"I hate people who ask for free handouts. Why should it be my responsibility to take care of them? If you need something, don't come to me! I'll come to you if I want to help you, but don't stick your hand out and beg for something from me because I'm not going to give it to you! I don't care if you can't feed your family! Sacrifice and eat one of your kids if you can't feed your family. If Abraham can kill Isaac and eat him, so can you!"

Wow. I'm all for accountability, but asking people to turn into cannibals is a bit outrageous. And who is this Abraham a**hole to eat someone named Isaac? Why did Isaac have to be eaten? Couldn't they have gone to McDonald's or something and ordered off the Dollar Menu? Abraham's a dick.

I thought about it, and I realized that I wasn't missing much. I spent six days indoors, and all I missed was cold weather, bad traffic and fat men discussing cannibalism. Come to think of it, staying inside and talking to Fred the Fish wasn't so bad after all.




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Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 20


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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