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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Sept. 7, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Forum Spammers

I talked about spammers in another Jerks of the Week entry. I've discussed how stupid these spammers are and how easy it is to spot them. Getting more specific, I want to address three particular spammers I've banned recently.

Our first loser decided to sign up with the user name "New Viagra." Hmm... sounds like a legitimate football fan to me. Clearly he's a Broncos fan and is looking for some excitement because he knows his team is going to suck. So, not only does he want Viagra; he wants some new Viagra! There's nothing like taking a fresh batch of Viagra with your toast and cereal every morning.

In all seriousness, I don't even think the Mexican guy at Taco Bell would have trouble figuring out that this was a spammer. And if the Mexican guy didn't realize it, I think this spammer's profile would give him away: "BUYING CHEAP VIAGRA ONLINE $1.15 Per P"

I thought spammers were there to post annoying stuff so you would accidentally visit their site. Clearly, I was wrong. Some spammers believe that there are people on my football forums peddling Viagra. Either this guy is an idiot or I clearly don't know what sort of people post on my message boards.

Our second spammer is on the wild side. His user name is "zadoreen-spb."

Doesn't seem to crazy, but his interests are: "xxx video movies." Sweet. This guy sounds like me. We even share the same birthday.

Still, this person seems like the average male... until you look at his occupation: "Israel xxx clubs."

This guy must lead the best life ever. He wakes up in the morning and posts on my forums. Then, he watches some xxx video movies. After that, he takes a nap, posts some more and takes a second look at his xxx video movies. Around 8 pm, he showers off, watches some more xxx video movies (if he has enough time), and then goes to Israel xxx clubs.

I almost feel guilty making fun of this guy. This man is living the dream. If I could post on my forum, watch xxx video movies and go to xxx clubs every day, I don't think I'd have a care in the world.

Our third and final spammer is responsible for inventing a word I now use once in a while. His user name is "Bortunoww." His profile is much more amusing:

Biography: Man
Location: US
Occupation: US
Interests: Bortunoww

Looking at this, I wondered if there was a Facebook group where all the people who like Bortunoww meet together. Then, I imagined this guy at a job interview...

Employer: So, where do you live?
Spammer: US
Employer: I figured as much, but where in the U.S.?
Spammer: US
Employer: Ah, secretive, eh? I like your touch. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Spammer: Man.
Employer: Yes, I can see that. Can you expand?
Spammer: Man.
Employer: So, you were born a man, and that's it? That's your whole biography? You've accomplished nothing since being born a man? What did you do at your previous job?
Spammer: US
Employer: Argh. Let's just move on. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Spammer: Bortunoww!!!!






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Pretentious Italian Restaurants

My family, my cousins and I went out to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. My mom recommended a Chinese restaurant, but I hate Chinese food. I wanted to go to the cheapest place possible because in the ironic restaurant world, the more inexpensive a place is, the better the food is. Unfortunately, my parents, as well as my aunts and uncles wouldn't hear of it.

We settled on Bertucci's. I like Italian food, and it was a fancy-shmancy enough to get all of my relatives to show up and give me money.

However, once everyone arrived, I quickly remembered why I hate restaurants like Bertucci's. I opened the menu and didn't know what I was looking at. On one page, the headline was Insalata. On another, Pollo. On the next one, Pesce.

What the hell? I want to eat some spaghetti. Maybe some chicken parmesan. Yet, these douche bags want to give me Insalata, Pollo and Pesce? What the hell is Insalata, Pollo and Pesce? To me, Insalata sounds a lot like insulation; Pollo is a game if you put the word "water" in front of it; and Pesce is a short actor. Great. It's my birthday, and this crappy restaurant wants me to eat insulation, pool games and my cousin Vinny.

Thankfully, one of my cousins is an aspiring chef, so she was able to translate this confusing menu to me. Apparently, insalata is salad; pollo is chicken; and pesce is fish. If she wasn't there, I probably would have died of hunger. Seriously, how was I supposed to know this? Does Bertucci's expect every customer to be Italian? If so, that is racist!

Once I figured out what everything was, I still had problems. Looking at all of the dishes, I saw Salmon Florentine. Chicken Isabella. Chicken Anna Maria.

Who the hell are these people, and why are they ruining my meal? What did Isabella ever do to get herself named after a chicken? What about Anna Maria? I'm starting to think that Bertucci's does this on purpose just to piss you off.

And besides, it's bad business. I'm never going back there again because I'm so frustrated. McDonald's makes much more money than Bertucci's because they aren't a**holes and they don't name their food after random people. Imagine if McDonald's renamed their double cheeseburger "Hamburger Robert." Imagine if their quarter-pounder was now "Cheeseburger Jennifer." Imagine if their new half-pounder was "Hamburger Michael Jackson." No one would go there anymore!

Scratch that. McDonald's wouldn't go completely out of business. They'd lose most of their customers, but the fancy-shamcy worldly new-age hippies would come in and call McDonald's "cultured."

In fact, that gives me an idea. I'm going to open up my own restaurant and make up words so that artst-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies come in and call my place "cultured." Here is what the menu would look like:



My ultimate goal is to have my restaurant packed with artsy-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies all talking about how cultured my place is. Then, at the perfect moment, I'll come out of the back yelling, "Ha! This place is not cultured at all! I made up those words! And I pooped in most of the food! I've proven that all of you artsy-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies are frauds! Now get the hell out of my restaurant!"

Who needs Israel xxx clubs with aspirations like that?




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Waitresses at Bertucci's

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention some of the jerks who waited on my family during my birthday dinner.

The Bertucci's hostess had a great a** and a very pretty face. As she was seating us, my cousin jabbed me with his elbow and gestured toward her direction. I nodded in approval.

However, when she came back over to our table about an hour later, she caught me staring at her rear end. Once she looked at me, I winked at her. She then scowled at me and later ignored me when I was leaving. My birthday was a sad, sad day.

Moving on, my cousin ordered a beer. I forget what beer it was, but when a fat waitress brought it over to him, he looked at it and said to himself, "This is not what I ordered."

My cousin is entering his fifth year at Penn State, so I think he knows what he's talking about. Now that I think about it, he was probably more frustrated that the waitress was fat than the fact that she brought him the wrong beer.

When we finally got our food, I had a strange encounter with the same fat waitress. She gave me my Caesar Salad, and as I was about to eat it, she asked me, "Did you order Caesar salad?" I told her I did, and she repeated her question to me.

Completely frustrated, I told her, "Yeah, I ordered a Caesar salad, why?" She then asked me the same question a third time. This went on five times until she gave up.

I still can't figure that one out. Did she think I took a Caesar salad without ordering one? Even if I did, she could have just added one to the bill if someone else was missing a salad. However, no one was missing any salad, so I don't understand why she kept badgering me.

Two theories:

First, being a fat waitress, she was naturally hungry. She was hoping she could confuse me so that I'd relinquish my salad, allowing her to eat it. Being a fat man myself, I was not fooled by her trickery.

Second, this was her way of flirting with me. Because she is a fat waitress, the only thing she understands is food. So naturally, she was trying to tell me that she likes Caesar salads as well, and that because we have a shared interest, we should go out on a date. In the grand scheme of things, however, this was just a ploy so that she could lure me back to her house and eat me.

Either way, I am not hiring her when I am opening up my new restaurant.







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Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
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Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
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Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 31


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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