I talked about spammers in another Jerks of the Week entry. I've discussed how stupid these spammers are and how easy it is to spot them. Getting more specific, I want to address three particular spammers I've banned recently.
Our first loser decided to sign up with the user name "New Viagra." Hmm... sounds like a legitimate football fan to me. Clearly he's a Broncos fan and is looking for some excitement because he knows his team is going to suck. So, not only does he want Viagra; he wants some new Viagra! There's nothing like taking a fresh batch of Viagra with your toast and cereal every morning.
In all seriousness, I don't even think the Mexican guy at Taco Bell would have trouble figuring out that this was a spammer. And if the Mexican guy didn't realize it, I think this spammer's profile would give him away: "BUYING CHEAP VIAGRA ONLINE $1.15 Per P"
I thought spammers were there to post annoying stuff so you would accidentally visit their site. Clearly, I was wrong. Some spammers believe that there are people on my football forums peddling Viagra. Either this guy is an idiot or I clearly don't know what sort of people post on my message boards.
Our second spammer is on the wild side. His user name is "zadoreen-spb."
Doesn't seem to crazy, but his interests are: "xxx video movies." Sweet. This guy sounds like me. We even share the same birthday.
Still, this person seems like the average male... until you look at his occupation: "Israel xxx clubs."
This guy must lead the best life ever. He wakes up in the morning and posts on my forums. Then, he watches some xxx video movies. After that, he takes a nap, posts some more and takes a second look at his xxx video movies. Around 8 pm, he showers off, watches some more xxx video movies (if he has enough time), and then goes to Israel xxx clubs.
I almost feel guilty making fun of this guy. This man is living the dream. If I could post on my forum, watch xxx video movies and go to xxx clubs every day, I don't think I'd have a care in the world.
Our third and final spammer is responsible for inventing a word I now use once in a while. His user name is "Bortunoww." His profile is much more amusing:
Biography: Man Location: US Occupation: US Interests: Bortunoww
Looking at this, I wondered if there was a Facebook group where all the people who like Bortunoww meet together. Then, I imagined this guy at a job interview...
Employer: So, where do you live?
Employer: I figured as much, but where in the U.S.?
Employer: Ah, secretive, eh? I like your touch. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Employer: Yes, I can see that. Can you expand?
Employer: So, you were born a man, and that's it? That's your whole biography? You've accomplished nothing since being born a man? What did you do at your previous job?
Employer: Argh. Let's just move on. What do you like to do in your spare time?
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Pretentious Italian Restaurants
My family, my cousins and I went out to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. My mom recommended a Chinese restaurant, but I hate Chinese food. I wanted to go to the cheapest place possible because in the ironic restaurant world, the more inexpensive a place is, the better the food is. Unfortunately, my parents, as well as my aunts and uncles wouldn't hear of it.
We settled on Bertucci's. I like Italian food, and it was a fancy-shmancy enough to get all of my relatives to show up and give me money.
However, once everyone arrived, I quickly remembered why I hate restaurants like Bertucci's. I opened the menu and didn't know what I was looking at. On one page, the headline was Insalata. On another, Pollo. On the next one, Pesce.
What the hell? I want to eat some spaghetti. Maybe some chicken parmesan. Yet, these douche bags want to give me Insalata, Pollo and Pesce? What the hell is Insalata, Pollo and Pesce? To me, Insalata sounds a lot like insulation; Pollo is a game if you put the word "water" in front of it; and Pesce is a short actor. Great. It's my birthday, and this crappy restaurant wants me to eat insulation, pool games and my cousin Vinny.
Thankfully, one of my cousins is an aspiring chef, so she was able to translate this confusing menu to me. Apparently, insalata is salad; pollo is chicken; and pesce is fish. If she wasn't there, I probably would have died of hunger. Seriously, how was I supposed to know this? Does Bertucci's expect every customer to be Italian? If so, that is racist!
Once I figured out what everything was, I still had problems. Looking at all of the dishes, I saw Salmon Florentine. Chicken Isabella. Chicken Anna Maria.
Who the hell are these people, and why are they ruining my meal? What did Isabella ever do to get herself named after a chicken? What about Anna Maria? I'm starting to think that Bertucci's does this on purpose just to piss you off.
And besides, it's bad business. I'm never going back there again because I'm so frustrated. McDonald's makes much more money than Bertucci's because they aren't a**holes and they don't name their food after random people. Imagine if McDonald's renamed their double cheeseburger "Hamburger Robert." Imagine if their quarter-pounder was now "Cheeseburger Jennifer." Imagine if their new half-pounder was "Hamburger Michael Jackson." No one would go there anymore!
Scratch that. McDonald's wouldn't go completely out of business. They'd lose most of their customers, but the fancy-shamcy worldly new-age hippies would come in and call McDonald's "cultured."
In fact, that gives me an idea. I'm going to open up my own restaurant and make up words so that artst-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies come in and call my place "cultured." Here is what the menu would look like:
My ultimate goal is to have my restaurant packed with artsy-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies all talking about how cultured my place is. Then, at the perfect moment, I'll come out of the back yelling, "Ha! This place is not cultured at all! I made up those words! And I pooped in most of the food! I've proven that all of you artsy-fartsy, fancy-shmancy, hookah-smoking, Starbucks-frequenting new-age hippies are frauds! Now get the hell out of my restaurant!"
Who needs Israel xxx clubs with aspirations like that?
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Waitresses at Bertucci's
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention some of the jerks who waited on my family during my birthday dinner.
The Bertucci's hostess had a great a** and a very pretty face. As she was seating us, my cousin jabbed me with his elbow and gestured toward her direction. I nodded in approval.
However, when she came back over to our table about an hour later, she caught me staring at her rear end. Once she looked at me, I winked at her. She then scowled at me and later ignored me when I was leaving. My birthday was a sad, sad day.
Moving on, my cousin ordered a beer. I forget what beer it was, but when a fat waitress brought it over to him, he looked at it and said to himself, "This is not what I ordered."
My cousin is entering his fifth year at Penn State, so I think he knows what he's talking about. Now that I think about it, he was probably more frustrated that the waitress was fat than the fact that she brought him the wrong beer.
When we finally got our food, I had a strange encounter with the same fat waitress. She gave me my Caesar Salad, and as I was about to eat it, she asked me, "Did you order Caesar salad?" I told her I did, and she repeated her question to me.
Completely frustrated, I told her, "Yeah, I ordered a Caesar salad, why?" She then asked me the same question a third time. This went on five times until she gave up.
I still can't figure that one out. Did she think I took a Caesar salad without ordering one? Even if I did, she could have just added one to the bill if someone else was missing a salad. However, no one was missing any salad, so I don't understand why she kept badgering me.
First, being a fat waitress, she was naturally hungry. She was hoping she could confuse me so that I'd relinquish my salad, allowing her to eat it. Being a fat man myself, I was not fooled by her trickery.
Second, this was her way of flirting with me. Because she is a fat waitress, the only thing she understands is food. So naturally, she was trying to tell me that she likes Caesar salads as well, and that because we have a shared interest, we should go out on a date. In the grand scheme of things, however, this was just a ploy so that she could lure me back to her house and eat me.
Either way, I am not hiring her when I am opening up my new restaurant.