Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013





Jerks of the Week: Nov. 25, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: Pizza Gluttony

I have a confession to make. I am a very fat man who loves food. It's true. I eat lots of unhealthy food all the time, and then I write about my experiences in Jerks of the Week. There... I said it.

Now, you may counter by pointing out that I've written about my frequent trips to Saladworks and my goal of losing a tenth of a pound each week. The truth of the matter is that I still buy fast food on weekends, and I haven't finished a mile in the pool in about half a year, thanks to a severe case of lethargy.

You know, it feels good to come clean. Now I know how drug addicts feel. The first step is admitting that you have a problem, so here I am.

Why am I bringing this up now? Well it's becoming a big issue, and it got worse when I went down the shore and stuffed my face with unnecessary (but delicious) calories. It got even worse when I returned home. You see, they opened up a Little Caesars right around the corner from my house. It literally takes three minutes to walk there. That's where this story of my pizza gluttony begins...


Little Caesars:

I used to love Little Caesars as a kid. It didn't top Station Pizza, the awesome local pizza joint near my parents' house, but it was a nice change-of-pace option. Unfortunately, the Little Caesars in my neighborhood closed down, so my sister and I weren't able to eat there for quite a while.

Fast forward 15 or so years later. Now, I live in a development right outside of Philadelphia. The development used to be a golf course, so I frequently find golf balls in my backyard. There was nothing around us at first, but they built a Bottom Dollar and then a Dunkin Donuts. Next, they constructed a decently sized strip with six stores. No one knew what these stores would be for a while, but we finally had our answer in May:

1. Frozen Yogurt Place: I'm not a big fan of frozen yogurt. Yogurt is healthy, so it's a big turn-off for me.

2. Verizon Distributor: I have Verizon service, so I suppose this is useful.

3. A Kids' Haircut Place: Kids bring nothing but disease and misery, so I'm offended by this.

4. A Kids' Clothing Store: Great! More disease and more misery for me! Why are these developers so selfish? They only think about themselves and all of the parents and all of the children. What about me!?

5. Larry's Steaks: I'm not sure who Larry is, but he's opening a cheesesteak joint within walking distance from my house. Thank you, Larry!

6. Little Caesars: NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

I immediately alerted my sister about this. I anticipated that she would be quite excited, but that was not the case.

Me: Hey, they opened a Little Caesars right around the corner from my house!

My Sister: So?

Me: So? So!? What do you mean so!?

My Sister: Little Caesars sucks now.

Me: How dare you say such things?

My Sister: It used to be great, but now they changed everything. They make it before you get there so you can just pick it up, but it tastes like microwave pizza.

Undaunted, I wanted to prove my sister wrong. Prior to the preseason games one Saturday evening in August, I took a stroll down to Little Caesars. I passed by a hot woman with blond hair, but she was with her son in front of the kids' haircut place. Muttering swear words under my breath, I entered Little Caesars.

There were five people or so in line. This pissed me off. How dare these a**holes come into my neighborhood and invade my Little Caesars? I thought. They should stop being selfish and let me in front of them. Why is everyone so damn selfish!?

Fortunately, the line moved pretty quickly. Someone would walk up to the counter and say, "I want two large pepperoni pizzas" or something, and the black chick with the missing teeth at the register would just hand them their pies. This girl didn't seem too bright, by the way. Consider this exchange:

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: Somebody just orda three pizza! I gonna need three more pizza up front!

Person Yelling from the Back: What kind!?

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: Gimme one plains and one pepperonis!

Person Yelling from the Back: What about the third one?

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: Whatchu talkin' bout?

Person Yelling from the Back: One plain, one pepperoni and what's the third one?

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: I don't need no third one!

She did say she needed three pizzas, right? I thought for a second that I was so hungry that I was imagining things, but it quickly became clear that she was, in fact, completely stupid. When she asked for $5.30 for my large pepperoni pizza, I handed her a $5 bill, a quarter and a nickel. She stared at the change with a dumb expression on her face, and said the following:

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: Dis don't come out to $5.30.

Me: What? It's five dollars plus 25 cents plus five cents.

Black Chick with Missing Teeth: Oh, sorry it's been a long day, I thought you got a quata and a dimes.

Umm... so wouldn't that exceed the $5.30 I was due? What an idiot.

I exited Little Caesars. The milf and her child were still there. The kid was rummaging through the trash can, so the milf had to pull him out.

"DON'T GO INTO THE TRASH CAN!" she shouted. "RATS CRAWL THROUGH THERE SO YOU'LL GET SICK!"

Like I said, misery and disease.

The 3-minute walk back to my house seemed like an eternity because I couldn't wait to stuff the Little Caesars' pizza into my mouth. I carried the box upstairs, sat down at my desk, took out a slice, and bit off a third of it.

It was... umm... not very good... it actually tasted like microwave pizza. The sauce was watery, while the cheese was kind of hard. The dough didn't taste good either.

So, what did I do? Did I throw out the pizza and head over to Saladworks? Well, that would be the sensible thing to do. However, I'm not very sensible. I would end up eating the entire pie. Like I said, I'm a fat man who loves food.





Personal Swim Coach:

Even though I've been undisciplined in terms of finishing my workouts, I still want to at least maintain my weight. Given that I devoured an entire pepperoni pizza Saturday evening, I wanted to make up for it by swimming Sunday morning.

I arrived at my new gym, but it took me five minutes to park my car because this blonde woman wearing a green dress and her kid were walking in front of me and didn't have the awareness to move, even when I honked my horn. The woman didn't seem to know where she was going, so she was a bit distracted. She was still in the parking lot by the time I got out of my car. I ended up walking behind her, and I noticed that she had a terrific body, which would be a factor later on.

Anyway, I got changed and walked out onto the pool deck. Green Dress Milf was there, as her kid was about to take swim lessons. Another parent, a chubby bald Russian guy in his late 30s, approached me as I was putting on my goggles.

Chubby Bald Guy: You now going to svim von lap busserfly and von lap freestyle.

Me: What?

Chubby Bald Guy: Go svim busserfly now and zen freestyle. Svim fast!

I don't know why I listened to this guy. Maybe it was the guilt I felt from eating a large pepperoni pizza. Perhaps I wanted to impress Green Dress Milf. Or it could be because this dude was so convincing. I dived into the pool and swam a lap of butterfly as fast as I could.

A slight background on swimming: Butterfly - not busserfly - is the stroke where you use both arms. It's recommended that you warm up before attempting it. I obviously didn't do that, so it didn't surprise me at all when my shoulder hurt like a b***h after finishing one lap. I swam back in pain. Chubby Bald Guy greeted me with compliments.

"You svim good! You svim fast! Great job!" he shouted.

I would've smiled and thanked him, but I was in too much agony. I tried to keep swimming, but it was extremely painful every time I lifted my right arm out of the water. I had to get out of the pool a few minutes later. Chubby Bald Guy approached me.

Chubby Bald Guy: Vhy you stop svim!? You must svim more busserfly!

Me: My shoulder's killing me.

Chubby Bald Guy: No excuse! Go svim busserfly!

Me: I can't, dude!

Chubby Bald Guy: OK, iz OK. You svim good but you need vork on breezing.

Me: What's wrong with my breathing?

Chubby Bald Guy: You alvways breeze every stroke!

Me: Well, I have asthma, so I kind of need to. Plus, I haven't really swum since college.

Chubby Bald Guy: You svim een college, but you no svim een Olympic! You need practice more to svim een Olympic!

I wanted to reply, "f*** you a**hole," but my main priority was rinsing the chlorine off my body and going home to ice my shoulder. I went into the locker room and stepped into the showers - with my swim trunks on, of course. I was only in there for a few minutes, but this was enough time for Chubby Bald Guy to enter the locker room with his 6-year-old son, who was done his swim lesson. Chubby Bald Guy pointed to me and told his son that I go to college. I corrected him, saying that I used to, and that I graduated in 2006. He was shocked because he thought I looked 22 or 23. He then asked me about college...

Chubby Bald Guy: Vhere you go school?

Me: Penn State.

Chubby Bald Guy: Oh ho! Iz Ivy League school een Philadelphia!

Me: No, that's the University of Pennsylvania. I went to Penn State, which is about an hour west of Harrisburg.

Chubby Bald Guy: Ahhh Penn State! Vhat you study een Penn State?

Me: Journalism.

Chubby Bald Guy: Oh ho! So you write for Philadelphia Daily News or Philadelphia Inquirer?

Me: Nah, I run my own Web site.

Chubby Bald Guy: Oh, iz shame. You need practice more to write een zis big newspaper!

Me: I'm fine with my Web site, actually.

Chubby Bald Guy: Oh, iz shame. You look like you no have vork essic.

What a dick. According to this guy, all I have to do is improve my "vork essic" so I can swim in the Olympics and write for one of the two Philly papers. I wish I would've responded: "Look, a**hole, I don't want to swim five hours every day, and my Web site has more readers than both of those newspapers combined, so my vork essic is just fine, thank you very much!"

Then, I thought about his son. That poor kid is going to have to deal with his dad expecting him to swim in the Olympics and reach the top of his profession, and once he disappoints, his dad will say, "Iz shame, you need improve vork essic." The kid, in turn, will rebel and become a drug addict. He'll inject himself with needles and undoubtedly contract some sort of horrible virus.

For once, I realized that kids might actually have to deal with misery and disease themselves.







Bum Shoulder:

My shoulder hurt the following day, but I still went to the gym. I thought I'd try to swim again, but if that didn't work, I could go to the weight room and do some exercises for my rotator cuff.

I hopped into the pool on my own this time - Chubby Bald Guy wasn't there, so I hoped he was rotting in hell where he belongs - and I took my first stroke...

"MOTHERF***ER!!!"

That's what I yelled. People looked at me like I was insane, but I couldn't help it. I was in that much pain. I tried to either kick or swim with one arm, but I quickly realized that it was useless. I got out of the pool, changed and walked over to the weight room.

The gym manager was in the weight room giving a tour. As we shook hands, I noticed that he had a very frustrated expression. He was watching some 18-year-old dude he was giving a tour to. This dude was wandering over to each machine and testing them all out. I found this to be a bit odd, and the gym manager confirmed it when he whispered, "This guy has to inspect every f***ing machine... it's like would ya sign up for a membership already?" Machine Tester walked away, and the gym manager and I talked a bit about football. Suddenly, he changed topics.

Gym Manager: Who is that woman over there? I've never seen her.

Me: The one in the green tank top? Never seen her before.

Gym Manager: Walt, I checked her out earlier, and I'm telling ya, she has an a** that doesn't quit. Go check her out.

I was too far away to see her a**, so I walked by her a few times, and she did, in fact, have an a** that didn't quit. She was wearing these tight black pants that made her a** not quit even more than it would've not quit in the first place. In fact, her a** didn't quit so much that I couldn't stop from staring at it - and eventually, she noticed. She looked at me with a disgusted expression on her face and turned away.

So, in summary, because I chose to ate Little Caesars, I...

  • Gained all of the tenths of pounds I lost over the past few months.

  • Potentially tore my rotator cuff.

  • Got insulted by a chubby Russian man.

  • Embarrassed myself at the pool when I yelled like a b***h.

  • Was looked at as if I were a creeper by the woman whose a** doesn't quit.

    The moral of the story? Eat pizza! Bad things may happen, but it's awesome food, so who cares? Trust me, I'm a fat man. This subject is my specialty.




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    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 25


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 23


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 21


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5



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